Sexless Marriage with Porn

I am feeling confused and hurt. Over the last 3 years of of a 30 year marriage my husband has slowly turned away from sex. At first I thought it was due to the prostate problems he was seeing a doctor for, but then that cleared up and still no sex or sex once every six months. BUT this is the catcher I still by accident, usually walk in on him, find him looking at porn. This hurts me of course as I feel he is wanting them over or instead of me. WHY? HELP!! STOP THE PAIN!! WHY?

I hope this whole thing doesn't come off as TMI. I am not your husband, nor have I ever been married for 30 years, but I am someone who lives with the reality of sexual dysfunction. I love my fiance more than anything in this world, and I am sexually attracted to him, but most of the time, I am unable to get myself into the mindset of having sex. It wasn't like this in the beginning of our relationship; we had a health sex life. But after some time, something changed in me. It has nothing to do with my fiance- it is completely my body and my mind. My body does not have the urge to have sex. In fact, it rejects the idea of it most of the time. If he asks me if I feel like trying, my mind and body immediately shut it out for some reason and become really uncomfortable. It makes me turn away from him and then feel guilty for doing so, but even that guilt isn't enough to find that desire (he never makes me feel guilty, I just do). But here's the thing- porn is fine to me. I know that I have a "sex drive" because I can watch porn and be turned on by it, I can masturbate without issues. And I do. Regularly. I don't know why my body and mind are so turned off by the process of sex most of the time, but it is frustrating for me to know that he sees this too and is confused by it. The best thing I could figure out to do about it was talk to him. Having that conversation was so beneficial, to me and to him. He got the relief of knowing that he wasn't doing anything wrong, and we're now able to talk about it openly and deal with it head on. We're still in the process of learning to deal with it. I think you should sit down with your husband and calmly bring your concerns up with him. I doubt it has anything at all to do with you- it's probably something inside of him that is confusing him as well. Find out what he has to say about it, and go from there. I hope you find some comfort soon, friend.

Thanks for the talk, it helps knowing that others have just lost the desire for sex, but not the love for the other person. My husband and I have talked about this topic many times over and while I know he still looks at porn from time to time the one thing I have asked of him is to not let me know or see it..... as it brings up my own issues and triggers my DID. But he isn't to good at hiding his looking from me and I have to wonder WHY when he knows how much it kills me from the inside out.

Since he's not doing a good job hiding it from you after you've asked him to, I understand why you're upset. If I can ask, what steps have you asked him to take to conceal his actions? Or I guess, how are you finding out about it? Does he leave it open on his computer, leave videos laying around, etc.? I think finding a resolution to that specific problem will make a big difference.

As stated in my first post..... I generally end up accidentally walking in on him when he is looking at it out in the garage or I find the Ipad hidden amongst my stuff in the garage like he hid it real fast as not to get caught red handed. We both have a computer in the house, but with extra house guest he has taken to the garage to sneak his peaks. Normally I think he generally looked at the porn when I took my evening nap.... then he would erase his viewing history off his computer.

Maybe your husband is fighting some depression. That can really shut things down. Porn takes zero effort, but when two people are intimate, it takes a strong emotional connection, effort in pleasing your partner, etc. Depression can make that effort nearly impossible. So maybe it's something like that?

He is diff depresed, but I can't make him go to counseling. ... it has been suggested, and in the mean time I keep getting hurt cause he can't do one simply thing I request - hide his porn viewing from me. *sigh*

I just recently ended a 28 year marriage.... feel very much for you. Sex, making love was not the issue with us. We mentally separated 10 years earlier and this ended up in physical and emotional abuse.

My thought... if it is not working and you are unhappy. Make a change This will be super difficult, but better than having the entire county cop department in your front yard.

Think about you. Porn is not you. Huggles

I think it's apparent that the issue now lies with your husband not hiding his porn from you. You might've already done this, but really get onto him for it. Not like you're getting him in trouble or anything, just remind him (firmly and often) that it makes you uncomfortable and that in order for you to accept this, he has to keep up his side of the bargain too. You shouldn't be the only one unhappy in a negotiation! If he can't conceal his habit, he needs a real kick in the *** to see that you're suffering.

That's what I am aiming for. .... fingers crossed.

Thanks for sharing your story Rhapsody. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone.

My husband and I are in a similar situation. Except that in our case, it's me who can't ever seem to get horny or in the mood, and I end up feeling guilty for rejecting hubby's many sexual advances.

I think pretty much all men (and probably most women) like porn. Regardless of their relationship status, everyone loves watching other people having sex. I think it's just hardwired into our brains.

That being said, I understand the frustration/anxiety with having the spouse be waaaay into porn. My husband used to have his computer desktop on a rotating slide show of all kinds of porn pictures he'd accumulated over time. When I told him that this bothers me, and makes me feel like I'm under pressure (as if sex is constantly on his mind and in demand) he did change the desktop background.

Maybe you both need to set up "alone time" during which he's allowed to check out his porn free of interruptions, and you're free to do whatever you want.

I hope this helps. Hugs.

I have DID, and his looking at porn triggers it big time and it's hell for us both when the DID is triggered, so it's not as simple to just say you have this time to do this.... nor does he use porn on a regular basis. The whole issue here is that If my husband is going to keep up the porn viewing that he must KEEP IT FROM ME AND MY ALTERS, MY DID. Otherwise I fear I may have to leave the house or our marriage for my own sanity and safety.

Ah, that would be out of my scope of understanding. Sorry I can't be of more help, but I hope you are able to find some answers on this forum and with the support of the other helpful people here.

Hugs!

No offense but that really sounds as if you're spying on him. Accidentally walking in on someone would usually make one think twice about walking into that place and time in future. Finding his ipad "hidden amongst your stuff" is a bit suspicious. The fact that you check his browser history is definitely a sign of prying. Is there more to this than meets the eye?

No offence taken...... let me explain so you will understand better.

When I walked in on him it was completely by accident and took us both by surprise, as I never know when he is using as he does not have set time he goes to the garage to look at porn......... 8 out of 10 times that I walk out into the garage my husband is not looking at porn, but rather working or putting around in the garage or at his work bench.

I can remember the last two times I walked in on him accidentally......
(1) he had just gotten home from work and went to take the garbage out while I was on the phone with T-mobile about our cell phone and when I got off the phone I was so excited about the good news that I went out into the garage to share it with my husband and I found him standing over washing machine with the I-pad in hand and I knew what was up.
(2) It was a Saturday and our granddaughter was over and we all had been cleaning out the garage then my granddaughter and I took a break for drinks and food..... after about 15 minutes later I went back into the garage to take my husband some food and a drink and there I found him over his work bench looking at porn on that I-pad.

And what's suspicious about finding his I-pad among my stuff....... he put it there when he went to hide it real fast when he heard me coming into the garage and the fleece blankets I use as my animals bedding was the closest thing to him. I found it later that day when I went to change the animals bedding.

I was not spying on his computer........ the last poster asked what ways he takes to make sure I never saw his porn, so I said I think he erased his history, but I am not sure on that. I did suggest to him that he just use the view incognito window when looking at some thing he does not want other to know about.

..... so as you see there is nothing else to be told here, just a wife trying not be be hurt by some thing her husband does (or) have her DID triggered by it.

Maybe try the "knock before you enter" method.


Not just in the garage or wherever he watches, but as a house rule in general.

This way there's no accidental anything.