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Sirensong18
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Trig Feb 06, 2015 at 11:02 PM
  #1
Hope this isn't too inappropriate for this forum, but I'm at my wits end and I really have no one I can talk to about this.

So - I've been married for 5 years now, but we've been together for 7. (no kids.) I'm married to a wonderful man, and he works hard to make me happy, and I really appreciate his efforts and the things he does to make me smile and keep me cheerful. He knows that I struggle with depression, but we always work together and talk out any problems we encounter, and that does help.

Here's the problem - I used to love sex. I mean loooooove it. Anytime, mostly anywhere, and I was hot and raring to go at the drop of a hat.

For at least the last year, I've just had no interest. I still love my husband very much, but I guess I'm just not attracted to him anymore. No matter what I do, I can't get 'in the mood'. I've tried watching porn, playing with toys, self love, nothing seems to work. I don't even enjoy masturbation anymore.

This is causing big problems for my relationship. Hubby feels rejected, and he's always having to hold back so he doesn't hurt me. When we do have sex, I have a hard time getting or staying worked up (read - being lubricated enough for sex to be comfortable), and unfortunately even lubricants like ky jelly don't seem to help. My sex experience now ranges from awkward and uncomfortable to severely painful, sometimes with bleeding afterwards.

One thing we've tried to alleviate this issue is having me masturbate first, and try to get myself worked up a bit so that way penetration is not so difficult. But this isn't really a good solution for a few reasons. 1. With no interest or desire for sex, it's difficult for me to get myself off, even with my favorite vibrator and 2. I don't feel very loved and it's not very considerate that he won't even try to work me up first. It makes sex feel like a one way street instead of the beautiful expression of our partnership that it should be. And even when he does try to get me excited and turned on, for hours sometimes, my body just doesn't respond like it used to.

I've had a pelvic exam, because I thought maybe it was something wrong with my plumbing. Got a clean bill of health. I even had a blood test thinking that maybe my thyroid levels were off, making my desire low. Also clean bill of health there - so it's not a physical ailment.

I guess I just need some support and some new ideas for things I can do to make this better. Like I said, I'm at my wits end here, and I really don't want to lose my husband over this. I'm not attracted to anyone else, so why can't I just like sex like I used to?
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kindle&cozymystery
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Default Feb 07, 2015 at 07:03 AM
  #2
Are you taking medications? Some anti-depressants can effect your libido too.
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Default Feb 07, 2015 at 07:45 AM
  #3
Hi Sirensong, I'm sorry you're finding things so difficult right now.
Good move getting the physical check up, always worth ruling out any physical causes, but depression can certainly affect your libido, and the attraction you feel towards others which you mentioned had faded in terms of your husband. So depression is definitely a good point to address too.
[Although just a thought..........if you're taking meds for the depression can you make sure with your doctor that it isn't the side effects of the meds causing or contributing to the problem too. Some meds can cause/add to the types of problems you're having........so worth discussing the pros and cons of changing them if so]
And the depression..............any extra help you could get with that e.g. seeing a T...........??
Or even posting more on here!!
And maybe couples counseling could help too, could help your husband with the feelings of rejection and help him better understand how you're feeling, maybe leading to him being more sensitive/supportive towards you in relation to to the problems you're having, help you both work through them???
Try not to see the problem as wholly your problem, apart from it not being your fault (!!!), you're a couple, and something for you both to work with/through, there may well be things he can do as well to make the situation easier/better.
And........in terms of re-establishing some of the intimacy it might help to look or post in the Sexual and Gender issues forum. I know there have been issues similar to yours posted in the past and some great advice given.
Best wishes
Alison
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Default Feb 07, 2015 at 11:59 AM
  #4
Good Advice Alison, not that you need my input. Hope things get better for you Sirensong18! I've had loss of libido before and it's not any fun. There's lots of different reasons these things can happen, but if you work as a couple hopefully you both will help each other and figure it out. Have a great day!
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Default Feb 07, 2015 at 12:01 PM
  #5
I'm new to this site, so I hope I'm posting things right....😏
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Default Feb 07, 2015 at 01:21 PM
  #6
To answer the questions, I do not take any anti-depression medication currently. I was on several different kinds in high school, including Zoloft, but they never helped or did any good, so I quit taking them eventually.

The only actual medication I am on is birth control pills. I've been on several different brands in the past 7 years. The brand I'm on now seems to be the only one that doesn't give me breakthrough bleeding in-between periods.

Unfortunately, we do not have medical insurance or any way to pay for any kind of counseling/therapy. Also, my husband is quite private and shy, and even if we could pay for therapy I don't think I could get him to go or open up at all. When we were getting married, I had originally wanted the priest from my mom's church to perform the ceremony. When she (the priest) suggested getting together with us for some 'pre-marriage counseling' and 'faith instruction', my husband flatly refused. His point of view was 'why should we have to prove ourselves or our love to someone else? We love each other, and that's all that matters.'

Another part of the problem is that our libidos seem to be on opposite schedules. He wakes up early in the morning, and always has sex on the brain first thing. Sex is the farthest thing from what I want when I first wake up. If I ever do want sex, it's late at night when he's tired and just wants to sleep.

Like last night - I had to work late, and I had walked to work, so I was surprised to see hubby there with the car to pick me up when I was done. Turns out he'd gone to the grocery store (score - one less errand for me to have to run). He'd also washed all the dishes and cleaned the stove in the kitchen while I had been working, so when I got home and saw all this I was in a very good mood. After a brief snack and one episode of Futurama, it was time for bed. I was actually horny for the first time in months! But by then it was after midnight, and while hubby told me he appreciated the thought, he was just too tired.

I just can't seem to win. I'm so frustrated and sad about the whole thing. I think I will try posting in the Sexual issues forum and see what they have to say.

Thanks for the support.
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Default Feb 07, 2015 at 02:42 PM
  #7
Hi Sirensong, well it sounds like it's got to be a lot easier for him to try setting the schedule his libido runs on to another time............and maybe if you could talk to him about doing more "unexpected" things (like the picking you up, like the washing the dishes, and cleaning......) more often?? Maybe those things could help just a little??
And while it is great if you can talk to him about your depression, sometimes the practical help/support can make a real difference too, so if he could do some more of that......??
And some more help with the depression.........there will be some newer antidepressants out there now so maybe some newer/different ones may help more than the one's you've tried in the past?? And maybe you could find a T who works on a sliding scale (payment related) for you??
But some really understanding/supportive people on this forum if you want to keep posting.........but good luck on the Sexual issues forum too!!!
Alison
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Default Feb 08, 2015 at 02:44 PM
  #8
I would try to accept things as they are. Explain the situation and wait until you're ready for sex.

It's a pretty strong statement to say you aren't attractive to your husband - are you attracted to anyone else or just feel disinterested in sex?
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Default Feb 09, 2015 at 07:11 AM
  #9
Well let's see here ...

To quickly answer one question, most men are in the mood first thing in the morning. The bulk of our testosterone is produced at night so we're swimming in it in the morning and that puts us in the mood.

Depression can really kill your libido and that would be the first thing I would suspect. It won't be really predictable either. One depressive episode may have zero effect on your libido, but the next can kill it. So that's where I would start.

And like Frankbtl was saying, there are newer antidepressants out there. For me, Zoloft is like children's aspirin; it's worthless for depression and just make me numb. Maybe something like Pristiq or Viibryd?

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Default Feb 09, 2015 at 06:15 PM
  #10
Different birth control pills can affect your libido and ability to enjoy enjoy sex, by the way. If this started happening shortly after switching brands, that's something to consider.

You also mention you felt horny for the first time when your husband picked you up from work and took care of some errands…as frankbtl pointed out it may be a practical issue of being too exhausted for sex and needing some help with the errands. Perhaps you could prioritize the sex (do it before the dishes and the Futurama) and then have him help out with the housework after.
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Default Feb 11, 2015 at 10:12 PM
  #11
Thanks for the suggestions. I think it is likely the case that I am simply too stressed out and overworked to enjoy sex lately. I'm always worrying about housework, and it never seems to end!

Thankfully, I've had a chance to chat with my husband about it, and he's asked me to make a list of things around the house that he could do while I'm working to help make life easier. (My first response is - UH DUH look around there are tons of things to do, like clean the kitchen table, sweep or mop once in a while, dust, vacuum, or how about just look around and see the dirty and clean it up!) My second, and much more rational response, is Hallelujah! If all I have to do is make a list for you to have you be more involved in the housework so I don't have to have it all be on me - that I can handle. So I'm off to make a 'honey do' list, haha.

As for anti-depressants, I don't want any. 1. I don't have any insurance and can't afford to pay for prescriptions, and 2. I'm trying to live a more natural life, using herbs and natural medicines. Big pharma simply isn't for me - but I wish I could find some therapy or counseling near me at low/no cost. Without any kind of insurance, and barely any disposable income, I'm sure that I can't afford any therapy on my own.

Thanks again everyone for the input! It's greatly appreciated.
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Default Feb 21, 2015 at 11:03 PM
  #12
the "no money" stress can be a real killer... try to spend time together , walk at the mall, at the park, just cuddle...life is not always about sex,, when you quit thinking about it all the time you may suprise yourself and find it happening....

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