need some help with sex stuff

Hope this isn't too inappropriate for this forum, but I'm at my wits end and I really have no one I can talk to about this.

So - I've been married for 5 years now, but we've been together for 7. (no kids.) I'm married to a wonderful man, and he works hard to make me happy, and I really appreciate his efforts and the things he does to make me smile and keep me cheerful. He knows that I struggle with depression, but we always work together and talk out any problems we encounter, and that does help.

Here's the problem - I used to love sex. I mean loooooove it. Anytime, mostly anywhere, and I was hot and raring to go at the drop of a hat.

For at least the last year, I've just had no interest. I still love my husband very much, but I guess I'm just not attracted to him anymore. No matter what I do, I can't get 'in the mood'. I've tried watching porn, playing with toys, self love, nothing seems to work. I don't even enjoy masturbation anymore.

This is causing big problems for my relationship. Hubby feels rejected, and he's always having to hold back so he doesn't hurt me. When we do have sex, I have a hard time getting or staying worked up (read - being lubricated enough for sex to be comfortable), and unfortunately even lubricants like ky jelly don't seem to help. My sex experience now ranges from awkward and uncomfortable to severely painful, sometimes with bleeding afterwards.

One thing we've tried to alleviate this issue is having me masturbate first, and try to get myself worked up a bit so that way penetration is not so difficult. But this isn't really a good solution for a few reasons. 1. With no interest or desire for sex, it's difficult for me to get myself off, even with my favorite vibrator and 2. I don't feel very loved and it's not very considerate that he won't even try to work me up first. It makes sex feel like a one way street instead of the beautiful expression of our partnership that it should be. And even when he does try to get me excited and turned on, for hours sometimes, my body just doesn't respond like it used to.

Another part of the problem is that our libidos seem to be on opposite schedules. He's a morning person, waking up at least an hour before I do, and the first thing on his brain is SEX. I NEVER feel sexy in the mornings. If I ever do feel horny, it's at night before bed - and then he's always too tired to be interested.

I've had a pelvic exam, because I thought maybe it was something wrong with my plumbing. Got a clean bill of health. I even had a blood test thinking that maybe my thyroid levels were off, making my desire low. Also clean bill of health there - so it's not a physical ailment. I am not on any anti-depression meds (tried them in high school, they never did any good for me.)

I guess I just need some support and some new ideas for things I can do to make this better. Like I said, I'm at my wits end here, and I really don't want to lose my husband over this. I'm not attracted to anyone else, so why can't I just like sex like I used to?

How old are you? Age makes a big difference because of hormonal changes and vaginal changes. Also, are you on any drugs for the depression? It's usually the drugs that are the culprit when it comes to issues with sex. They take away the libido and most of the interest so you might want to check into that.

Hello from Minnesota, Sirensong18: First off, let me say your post is not at all inappropriate for either PC in general or this forum in particular. One additional forum you might consider writing about your concerns in, if you haven't already is: Women Fucused Support:

Women-Focused Support - Forums at Psych Central

One thing I know happens, over time, is relationships change. I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know. So perhaps this is at least part of what's going on. If so, participating in some couples counseling might be of benefit. It is also true, I believe that worry over this sort of thing tends to produce a "snowball effect". Some little thing happens, you become concerned. This concern causes you to begin to worry, which makes you worry all the more, etc.

The other possibility though, it seems to me is that there could be something going on related to your hormone levels that a standard blood test would not pick up. As such, I wonder if there might be some value in you seeing an endocrinologist.

As I'm sure you realize, there aren't likely going to be any easy answers here. It's a matter of thoroughly investigating all of the different possibilities. The trick, though, is going to be to remain calm during this process so as not to aggravate the situation any more than it already is. Open communication between you & your husband will also be important & this is where couples counseling may be important.

In terms of things you can do yourself, now, you might look into such things as meditation, yoga, different varieties of physical exercise, etc., just all of those things that we all hear about that can help to reduce stress. (By the way, speaking of stress, are you employed? If so, is your work environment stressful? Could this be a factor?) Good luck with this process!

I'd like to add, are you on birth control pills and if so were there any changes pertaining to that, change of type? Do you get excited/aroused by porn or erotic images or reading? I'm sort of in the same boat as you but I've been married for 17 years and m libido has been so low that I don't fantasize or get interested in porn; erotic novels helped initially but my ability to be aroused by them didn't last, got desensitized or something. I've been on antidepressants all my life, went into menopause last year and so went off the pill which I had also been on all my life. It kills me that both of those could have contributed to a less than satisfying sex life. I went off the antidepressants for awhile but have lot of anxiety, so a psychiatrist put me on a new SSRI which is supposed to be sex-neutral. I had blood drawn last week to test my hormones and my doctor looked up side effects for this SSRI and low and behold, it also has sexual issues as a side effect! So, I want to go off of it, too. I dont' know the answers, yet, but these are things to look into. I fear I may just have repression and intimacy issues, but find it odd that I don't fantasize or see sexual images and get a response.

Another thing I'm trying, without much success due to a family visit, is to go off gluten since I had read forums where women said their libido came back when they went gluten-free.

Thanks for the support everyone.

Jelly-Bean: I am 27 years old. I am not on any anti-depressant meds at this time. I'd tried several brand when I was younger and in high school, but they never did any good for me so I stopped taking them about 10 years ago.

The_Skeezyks: I think you may be right about the "snowball effect." Sex tends to hurt, so then the next time I'm worrying about how it will hurt, which keeps me from relaxing and being able to enjoy myself, so then it ends up hurting even more, and so on. I've been working hard to use positive self talk and not get trapped in these self-fulfilling cycles, but progress is slow going.

I'd love to go see a specialist or an endocrinologist, but with no medical insurance, I really can't afford it. The one blood test (thyroid level check) that I had done was thru a free clinic. I'm not sure if they can refer me to a specialist or not...

As for stress reducing things, I have been actively trying over the last month to do better and be better to myself. My job - (which I love, and isn't really a stressor beyond getting frustrated at stupid people and their stupid first world "problems" that aren't really problems) offers free yoga twice a week. I try to go twice a week, but it's usually just once a week that I can make it. Recently I've also been indulging in bubble baths to relax. I have a glass tabletop that I put across the tub, then I can use the laptop to watch a movie while I soak in the tub. It's quite nice and very relaxing.

WantToGrow: I am indeed on birth control pills, have been since before I met hubby. I've had several different brands over the years, and the new supply I just got is a new generic brand, so it'll be interesting to see if that affects my libido at all.

I used to like porn, and erotic literature is a favorite of mine. But lately even those things don't stimulate me. (Also, most of the "erotic literature" I find online tends to suck now-a-days. Crappy writing, no character development, piss poor stories, etc.)

This whole "gluten free" craze amuses me. Only those with celiac disease can't digest the wheat proteins. They are the only ones who should be "gluten free". The rest of us could probably do good for ourselves by cutting back on the amount of wheat we eat (evolutionally speaking we don't need as much wheat as we tend to intake in these modern times) - but going off gluten entirely doesn't make sense unless you truly have Celiac disease. I think South Park got it right, but that's just my opinion. I hope we're both able to find things to help us with rebuilding our desire and libidos.