Part 2 - Sexless Marriage

I have a second thought to my first thread made about My Sexless Marriage ...... now I am thinking:

What is a spouse to do when the other one no longer wants to have sex and you are still wanting and desiring to express your self in a sensual way, to experience the pleasure that comes from being with another?

Are we sit quite and suffer in silence?
Are we to wait until the other is ready?
Are we allowed to find another to help us?

What are you we allowed to do when the other part of US fails on their part?

I haven't read the first part of your post yet but from this one I would say You have a choice. Either you stay quiet and suffer or you get out of a loveless marriage and find another partner who will show you the sex and affection you want and need.

Sex =/= love.
No one owes anybody else sex.
No one ever 'fails' to offer sexual companionship.

If it's really that important to one person, then the two partners should sit down and discus it, perhaps consider seeing a sex therapist. Work through it. That's all anyone is 'allowed' to do.
But if "No sex. Wah." is the sole reason for relationship issues, than that's a pretty low reason to go behind someone's back or anything of that nature, if you ask me.

No..... I would never leave a person simply over no sex, there is more to the story than that --there is nothing going on in our marriage and he will not talk about it..... he just keeps growing farther away from me.

This is a difficult one to understand Rhapsody. If it is medical, MI or med related, yes, I would stay there but there comes a point where you may learn to resent your partner for this reason. I agree maybe therapy would help?

To me Love = Lust. I dont know how else to express this. Really hope it works out for you.

I'm re-reading my post here. And wow, yeah that sounds super confrontational and mean. I apologize, that is not at all the tone I was trying to give off.
I stand by what I said, sex, in my opinion, is not something what should determine the quality of a relationship. But it sounds like you know that, it also sounds like this is just the surface of some larger issues.
My advice would be to lay it down simply for him. You're unhappy and give the reasons why. Let him know that you are willing to work to make things better, by talking, attending therapy, whatever is needed.
If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness and/or is unwilling to work with you make things better, then that honestly doesn't sound like much of a partner to me. I wish you all the best of luck.

(P.S. Sorry again for my first post, I can get pretty sensitive about the subject, as I find the notion of sex (or lack thereof) causing people to act cruelly to be repugnant. But that's not your situation and the last thing I wish to be is rude or insensitive.)

Hello Rhapsody: From my perspective, the remedy for this is open communication between the 2 members of the marriage. If this is difficult (which it often is) then perhaps some couples counseling could help, if both are willing to participate. If it is a situation where one spouse is simply no longer interested in intimacy, & is also unwilling to open the lines of communication, then it seems to me, the partner who still yearns for sexual intimacy has to make a decision as to whether or not to stay or go.

One cannot be expected to simply suffer in silence. We are not saints.

Certainly one can wait for a while. But when does the waiting end? What if there is no end to the waiting? At some point decisions must be made... preferably not in haste...

If by "finding another to help us" you mean gaining sexual gratification outside of the marriage, my thinking would be that, while this may be one option, it is not a helpful one. Turning to someone outside of a marriage for intimacy complicates everything & draws yet another person into the scenario, along with their emotional baggage.

My best wishes to you both...

Thank you... that makes perfect sense, and honestly I couldnt go that route with out true love for a person, hence why I have been faithful to my husband for 30 years --he is my heart.

Ah-h-h... okay... you're "older" folks... (I'm 66.) This explains a whole lot! Women reach their sexual peak in their 40's, I believe it is. Men reach theirs in their teens!

As men age the testosterone level declines & their interest in intimacy & sex starts to go down the drain. Depression tends to creep in to one degree or another (for some allot... for others just a bit...) Impotence also tends to develop to one degree or another. ( I'm sure there are exceptions to these things. There are exceptions to everything.) But I do believe this is more common than not. Older men just become like old bears who wander off by themselves never to be seen or heard from again, so to speak.

I suspect what you are experiencing, with your husband, is simply a part of the normal male aging process. To some extent, I believe this is inevitable. This does not, however, have to be the whole story. But, in order for it to be different, your husband is going to have to recognize there is a problem & be willing to work on it (at a time in his life when he'd probably just prefer to be left alone.) Medical investigation, couples counseling & simply a general opening of the lines of communication between the two of you would be important antidotes to your present situation. Here, again, however, your husband is going to have to be willing to participate. And if he is simply not willing to, this then becomes the point at which you are going to have to make a decision with regard to whether or not, and to what extent, you are willing to continue to live with things as they are.

I can totally relate to this. My husband and I are growing apart by the lightyear each month it seems. I have my interests and he has his. Things have gotten better in the aspect that there is no more tiger vs. bear melee between us in the house. I see that he will never give much of a care about anything (he has been dx with depression) and he sees that he can no longer get under my skin and that's that. So far as sex, he is on so many medications that he can't perform. He is much older than me, so it sucks. I'm barely in the 30's and sometimes I just crave sex with a man...a real man that can work some magic in the bedroom, you know? But with him, I know that's over. So, I just use toys to fill this need and I work out a lot and stay busy with hobbies. My husband? He just eats (and eats) and snores on the couch or in the bed the moment he gets home. He gets bigger and bigger and lazier and lazier and I just get more and more motivated. There is nothing you can do to force someone to have sex with you short of rape, which is illegal, so if you still care about the person and you can deal with it, or you have a plan to cope until you can get out, just bide your time and know that there is more to life than sex. Sometimes, I feel sorry for myself (esp. when I see a couple all hugged up in love and the man is my idea of sexy) but what does that do? No need for self pity and being jealous of others. Use your energy to better yourself, every ounce of it, since you have a surplus that you do not have to expend giving sex to a mate. It's not all bad, but it's not all good either. The hard part is finding your way through it all and dealing with the failed expectations and crushed dreams.