i NEED help

hi, this is my first post here, and i am desperatly needing someone to talk to and some help.

i think i am suffering from sexual aversion disorder, i CANNOT cope with sex, sexual contact, being touched anywhere on my body, sexual comments, being told that i am "fit" or "sexy" or anything like that.

anything to do with that kind of thing makes me very uncomfortable, i cry during and after intercourse, i can just about manage sexual contact.
ive been with my partner for about 3 years, at first our relationship was ok, we had a healthy sex life, tho he has always had a higher sex drive than me. he enjoys pornagraphic material which has always made me feel uncomfortable, but now even more so.
i love him very much, and cant imagine being without him, i am happy with him until "IT" is mentioned, i feel like attacking him cos i cant bear the thought of it, then when we do it i want to be dead, i think to myself i wish i was dead so i wouldnt have to do it, it is making us both unhappy. he says he stil wants to be with me, but how can he? i think he would much rather be with somoene who can fulfill him rather than make him feel bad for fancying them.
i feel cruel because i'm stopping him from enjoying a sex life, if i left him he could have as much enjoyable sex as he liked, with someone who can show affection and enjoyment, he could be happy, but i cant leave i love hiom too much, but i feel that i am ruining his life. i dont know what to do....., i feel like harming myself whenever sexual commments are made, i want to make myself unattractable so NOONE will want me.

i cant go on like this, neither of us can
thank you for taking time to read this
leasa x

Hey there. You said that you had a healthy sex life with your partner initially but then things deteriorated... because he had a higher sex drive than you.

Was there more to that? Did something else happen around that time, or do you think it is mostly about his having a higher sex drive?

Does he notice you crying while you are having sex with him? How does he respond to that?

What kinds of pornography is he into? (I'm thinking specifically of sadistic / massochistic stuff and / or activities that you feel uncomfortable about)

Does he really want / pressure you to engage in activities you don't feel comfortable about and / or is sex painful because you aren't adequatly aroused or because he is rough or something?

Marriage councelling could help. There are programs that have been developed for when one partner doesn't enjoy sex anymore. Usually those kinds of aversions develop because ones needs aren't being adequately met. The aversions can be overcome but it will involve your partner putting his desires aside for a time and being more responsive to things that you like (e.g., non sexual contact like massage and then a gentle progression onto activities as you are comfortable with them).

hiya and ty for replying.
yes our sex life started healthily i dont think it deteriorated because of his sex drive, the problem is more based with me than him. ive had an abusive past and have always felt sex is dirty and wrong, ive spent periods of time without sex or any sexual contact with anyone.

i am disgusted with sex and sexual contact/references, i think he could be a little more understanding but, at the same time i can understand (i think) how frustrating it must be for him.

the whole situation is just confusing me, i dont know if im wrong for being angry with him for still expecting me to have sex (even if it is very rarely) because at the same time i think that he is just wanting what is normal within a relationship, so then i become angry with myself for not being able to satisfy him, i feel lost and confused with it all. i wish that he didnt have such a high sex driive and didnt feel the need to go on about sex (what feels like) all the time.

i am just so confused, im thinking about going to relate but i dont know whether i am emotionally stable enough to be doing any work on myself right now

Leasam!

Definitely find a therapist!!! That is a very tough issue to deal with.

Years ago (in my first serious relationship) I avoided sex. I avoided it because I found it terribly painful and I just couldn't cope with the pain. I couldn't even talk about it and just tried to find ways to avoid it. It was a long time before I would understand that the pain came from me being unable to relax. I really had to learn how. And yeah, a lot of it had to do with my upbringing (always being told that sex is wrong, etc.). That manifested itself in physical pain for me. I wish I'd gotten help at the time because that relationship ended up never being satisfying sexually. Talk to a therapist about getting past all the negative reactions you have -- I'm sure those are making you tense and miserable and that'll totally ruin sex. But don't let it ruin your relationship! There are people out there who are trained at helping with this kind of stuff!!! It's not even uncommon!

Sidony

Hi Leasom,

Please go to a therapist. He or she can help you reach peace in this.

I wish you the best,

Jan

Leasam, I agree with above, consult with a competent therapist. I too have been physically/sexually abused as a kid and had a very hard time with s-x....I dreaded it, hated it, cursed it.... You need to process and heal from the trauma so that it loses its grip over you...sorry you're in such pain...Best of luck!

leasam, my thoughts go out to you. I know how it feels to be terrified of sex. It sounds like seeing a therapist about this is the best choice here, esp if you have an abusive past. Just keep in mind that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. if he loves you he'll help you work through it. it sounds like you do have a deep emotional relationship with him, so I think if you both go to counseling you can find a way through it.

A friend of mine and her husband had a healthy sexual relationship until a year ago. She'd been abused in the past and changes with her physical and mental health caused her to be very depressed and sex became too painful for her. it made her miserable, and her husband didn't understand what was wrong. she and her husband saw a therapist and are doing much better now.

best of luck to you. maybe we'll both get over our fears.