What am I?

OK, my story is full of complicated details that some how are related to each other, the whole started in 2011, I began to suffer from depression and my life just got darker and darker, I hated everything in my life, I didn't want to complete my studies, I hated food and I lost half of my weight, I was so sick, I didn't want to be around anybody I even lost my feelings for people even my family and my friends, I began to remember awfull things that happened to me when I was young such as sexual abuses that back then I didn't even understand it because I was too to young to know, day after day I was dying inside and I thought of suicide many times, but I didn't give up, I tried to get my self out of this by working and learning a new language but unfortunately I failed, I was fired from my job because when you have depression you feel you're weak and don't have energy to accomplish any task, and by losing my job things became worse and I went back to my dark room for crying and grief then my friend took me to a therapist but I didn't feel she really helped me, and then I saw another one and another one but it was the same result, nobody could help me, all they did is giving medications, nobody tried to get to the bottom of my problems, then one day I met a good friend that helped me a lot and we began to know each other more and more and we've been friends for 2 years, she is the best person I've ever known, but. here is the problem, I loved her not just as a friend it's more than that and this was the first time to know that I am not straight and that made my life worse, I really hate my self for being this and try to convince myself all the time that I am not lesbian and that I don't love her I just love our sweet friendship but I realise that I am really in love with her, I love everything about her, her smile , her voice, her talking with me just everything, I've never felt this way before, I've never loved someone and kept thinking of them in every single second of the day, I really need help cause I know I don't like men and the idea of being with a guy makes me go back with my memory to remember how I was sexually abused by a man, but at the same time I don't want to end up falling in love with girls and being a lesbian I just want to be normal and sure I don't disrespect anyone with any sexual orientation, I accept everybody but I just can't accept my self...

there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian, just to let you know i am not, but i do have a few gay male friends and a couple of gay girlfriends. i don't know if the person you are talking about knows how you feel, but maybe you could explain to her how much you love her, see if she feels the same way, if not then you will know instead of wondering about it yourself. sometimes although same sex friends are not gay just to let you know you may get rejected, but you won't know until try.

I know there is nothing wrong with that but in my society the last thing I wanna reveal is my sexuality because it's not acceptable and I will be rejected and looked down to, and I am afraid if I let my friend know about my feelings she wouldn't accept that and I would lose her which I don't want to cause if I could not be with her as a lover I don't want to lose her as a friend ..... I am just tired and don't know what to do

What are you?


A human being

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, and I want to offer you some support and hugs! This groups is great for that, even if we can't do anything to affect the day to day lives of other members, it just helps sometimes to know you're not alone and that people do care.

Could it possibly be that you are looking to women as lovers because of the abuse you suffered as a child? I could understand not wanting to be with a man after being abused and penetrated against your will. At least with a woman, that (ostensibly speaking) can't happen. I would ask yourself if you're really sexually attracted to her, or if you just like how she makes you feel when you're with her. Would you happily go down on her, does that idea turn you on? Are you actually attracted to her body? Or is it just that you like having someone to talk to, a good friend who you feel safe with?

I like to call myself 'straight with lesbian tendencies'. I find some other women attractive, and I can appreciate the female form. But the idea of sex with a woman mostly turns me off. I would totally share a woman with my husband (if we could ever find one we both agree on who is willing) and maybe even have fun with a strap on, but I could never go down on a woman, and I do not find female genetalia particularly appealing. (Except for boobs, I think everyone likes boobs. lol.)

Being in Egypt, you're a world away from me here in the USA. I understand that our two countries have differing views on homosexuality, and that it would be much more difficult to be "out" in your society. So I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide. Hugs.

Sometimes its risk we take to when you tell her your honest feeling. You may lose some friends, others who really care for you will understand and it's ok. Your relationship will be even better. If you expect your friend or want her to be more than a friend. She doesn't feel the same, it can be awkward. In that risk you take your cons= lose a friends or awkward relationship, pro= even better best friend or she could like you too. Take your pick.