[Sirensong18]

…no matter how hard I try. This is driving me to severe anxiety and making my depression much worse.

Background if you haven’t read my other posts: My sex drive has disappeared, and I have no idea why. The sexual experience for me now ranges from just uncomfortable to downright painful. I never seem to enjoy myself. I do not orgasm, and even when he tried with over 2 hours of foreplay one night, hubby can’t get me off either. The only way I can seem to cum is with my favorite vibrator, and even then it’s just an “eh” orgasm, nothing I actually enjoy.

This is so frustrating! I want things to be like they used to be. For our first several years together, I loved sex. I was ready to go at the drop of a hat (any hat.) Hubby could get me off without even touching me sometimes, we were that connected and bonded.

I’m not on any depression meds that might affect my libido. My birth control pill may be to blame. It’ll be interesting to test that theory week after next when I start a new brand. I have gone to the doc, gotten a full pap and even had blood work done, but they can’t find any physical thing wrong with me that could be causing this problem.

I’ve been trying to keep the lines of communication open with hubby. We have made some positive changes based on our talks. For example, we’ve devised a better system for doing the housework. Now, it’s not always just on me to do everything, he is actually helping out a lot. This makes my attitude much better, and it makes me happier to come home after working all day to see the dishes done, floor swept, dinner already made, etc. Much less work for me to have to do, so I then have more quality time to spend with hubby.

I wish he would let me try to schedule sex sometimes, but oddly enough he’s against it. He says it ‘kills the spontaneity and takes all the fun of out it.’ It would be easier for me if I knew when to expect it, maybe I could actually get excited about it ahead of time, anticipate, look forward to it even. Also, I work full time, 40 hours a week. This leaves limited time during the day/evening when I am home and free to do things. Without some sort of schedule, it’s very hard to ensure that everything that needs to get done (housework, laundry, cooking, maybe a little time to myself to read or have a bubble bath, etc) actually gets done. On the days when we do have sex, it seems to take precedence over everything, and NOTHING else gets done. I want to prioritize sex, not just make it another chore – but that seems to be how hubby views having any kind of schedule about it. This is frustrating for me, because without some sort of schedule or plan to the day, nothing gets done (sex or otherwise.)

I think part of my problem is simply being lonely. Besides hubby, I don’t have many people to talk to. My best friend lives in another state, and all my other friends are at least 1.5 hrs away by car. Now that we’ve got a new car, I can actually drive to go see people, so I’m hoping this will help with the loneliness and isolation I’ve been feeling. (Now the problem is just to schedule play dates with other people, not easily done when everyone is either broke or juggling kids.)

The only way hubby and I can seem to have “successful” sex (I say “successful” in quotes because it’s good for him, but not for me) is if I get myself off with the vibrator before we even get started. This helps me to get wet, so then sex doesn’t hurt so much.

But everything about having to do that feels wrong to me. 1. I don’t enjoy it, even though I do sort of orgasm, it’s very short lived and not anything at all worth celebrating. (nothing like how I used to feel when I’d orgasm.) 2. It just seems so rude and inconsiderate to ask me to do that every time. It makes me resentful. It’s hardly loving to ask your spouse to go ‘lube up and bend over’ so you can use them. While this is not exactly what is happening, it’s how it feels to me. 3. I feel terribly awkward the whole time. We have a pretty small apartment, so privacy is not really a thing. It feels weird to go off and masturbate on my own just so I can handle sex. I feel so self conscious and embarrassed the whole time. (FYI it’s an even worse head trip when I try to masturbate with him in the room.)

Since his birthday is coming up soon, last night I pulled out all the stops. I got myself worked up ahead of time (as much as I could anyway), put on stockings, sexy shoes, and a corset, and let my hair down. I tried to do a sexy dance, moving my hips and body to the music we had playing. Difficult to do in high heels, but I tried! Basically I just played sexy, I felt like an actor who was pretending pretty much the whole time.
Apparently it worked. Hubby told me today how much he enjoyed himself last night, and how it made him feel special (which is what I was going for.) I know he tried to make sure I enjoyed myself too, at one point he even dove down on me and ate me out with relish (pun intended!) but it still didn’t get me to orgasm. (In fact, I’ve never had an orgasm from oral sex – it just feels too weird to me, not enjoyable, and I spend the whole time freaking out about how I look from that angle, or that I taste/smell weird.)

I hate having to pretend, to play sexy, to act like I’m having a good time when I’m not. I’d love to ask him to just take a night to focus on me - maybe just no pressure loving touches, slowly building up my arousal to the peak, letting me get off with no anxiety about then immediately having to have sex (read: penetration.) I haven’t asked him to do this for two reasons. 1. It’s almost his birthday, and I don’t want to be selfish. 2. He was just recently complaining that it feels (for him) like all he ever does is try to make me happy, get me in the mood, get me off, and the focus is never on him.

This pretending all the time is tearing me up inside though. I just want things to be better! I feel like I’m trying so hard, but it’s not making much of a difference. I don’t want to make him feel inadequate, or like he’s doing something wrong, or that it’s his fault that I’m not enjoying myself or having orgasms anymore. (I’m not sure it’s anyone’s “fault”, but he seems to blame himself.)


I just need some help and/or support right now. I’m at my wits end, and so very sick of crying about this.

[Webgoji]

You mentioned pain again and I'm wondering if you shouldn't try something a little different. Maybe you should talk to your doctor about Vaginal testosterone cream. It is often prescribed for vaginal pain during sex as well as loss of libido during perimenopause or menopause. But it might help you as well. Below is an example of one experience with it and a couple of other articles.

Vaginal testosterone - I love it! | No Ovaries - Yes HRT - Surgical Menopause | HysterSisters

Testosterone and Estrogen Creams to Treat Vaginal Dryness | 34-menopause-symptoms

Testosterone and Its Benefits to Women

Obviously I'm no doctor, or psychologist or even a trash can lid, but it might be another option for you to try?

[Sirensong18]

I appreciate the suggestion, but this seems to be for post-menopausal women. I'm only 27. Also, I don't have a doctor. No medical insurance = no way to see one without incurring major debt. I get women's health checkups at the planned parenthood. I have tried talking to the folks at a free medical clinic about my problems, even got a blood test from them to check my thyroid levels, but no one can find anything physically wrong.

I'm thinking the problem stems from my depression, and a lack of resources to deal with the grief I still have over my mom dying about 3 years ago. (I'm trying to find a a local grief support group, but I live in a small city and so far no luck.)

I'm thinking I just have to be good to myself, continue to better my diet and exercise more, let hubby help with the housework and not put so much stress/pressure on myself to be perfect. Hopefully the date nights we have coming up will help us to reconnect.

I still don't really desire sex, but I know it is an important part of a healthy relationship, and I want my husband to feel loved. (side note: it'd be nice if I could feel loved too. No matter how many times he tells me he loves me or that I'm beautiful, it is hard to really believe or feel it.)

I just wish there were a better way to communicate what I want him to do when we're actually going at it. I feel like somethings cracked in my brain - like, he'll start touching one way, and I'll really like it for about 10 seconds, then my brain goes 'okay, now something else'. Suddenly that same touch that was working a moment ago no longer feels pleasurable, and instead feels odd or just strange. How can I communicate that I need a different type of touch, or more/less pressure? When I try to say these things, he gets all frustrated like he's "doing it all wrong" and he just quits trying. But if I just lay there and let him do whatever it is he's doing, it may feel nice for a moment, but then it just feels weird and does nothing to heighten my excitement or desire. In fact, it totally pulls me out of the moment because I'm thinking of how weird it feels. And the worst part is that I don't know what else to tell him to do, my brain just tells me that I want something else, some other kind of touch, but it's not like I know what that is specifically.

And then sometimes I'm totally the opposite, he'll start on something with a particular touch or pressure, and I'll love it and want him to just keep going. If he then changes speed/pressure it can totally throw me off so then I can't climax. At least in this instance, it's easy to say something like "oh yes, just like that, don't stop" etc.

So I guess my question to you as a man is, how can I tell him when I need a change of pace/some other kind of touch, without making him feel like it's his fault or that he's doing something wrong?

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Sirensong18

So I guess my question to you as a man is, how can I tell him when I need a change of pace/some other kind of touch, without making him feel like it's his fault or that he's doing something wrong?

I know you guys have started communicating better outside the bedroom and that's awesome. Have you communicated to him how your sense of touch changes? I think it's something you will want to mention outside the bedroom. Mrs. Webgoji and I have a "Concerns" talk every Wednesday where we can talk about the things the other has done that really made our week great or maybe some things that might be concerning us. (Always start positive.) Bringing it up in a "Concerns" talk could go as simply, "It's weird, but it's great when I get touched here, but then it moves for some reason. Do you think next time we could try moving it here and there? That way I get touched every place I want?"

Second, and this is one that women get trapped into, say what you're liking or not liking in bed. Don't be afraid to verbalize it. I saw one woman on a therapy show the other day say, "Stop asking if I like this or that and just do it." Of course the therapist responded that there was no way for him to know what she liked if she wouldn't tell him in the heat of the moment.

So from a man's perspective, it's important to hear what your lover is liking or not liking in the moment. It helps us adjust what we're up to and makes reading body language easier. It's not upsetting to know that sticking our big toe in your ear isn't doing it for you, it upsetting for us to think it is and then find out later.

So speak up and don't make it about you/him. Just something like, "Ah! It moved. Now do over here!" (Heck, it might even turn into a fun little game chasing around your happy spot. )

[googley]

Have you tried to utilize your vibrator while having sex with your husband? To help with your arrousal?