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Default Mar 05, 2015 at 07:36 AM
  #1
I've seen quite a few threads here regarding cases where one partner has a higher sex drive than the other and the problems that they are facing. Since Mrs. Webgoji and I are going through the same issues I thought I would put into words how I dispute the experts advice.

In my case the problem is relatively simple. Pristiq. Mrs. Webgoji began taking Pristiq about 6 months ago and her libido immediately dropped to near zero. This is starting to cause friction between us now. I won't boar (bore?) everyone with the details, but I thought I did want to counter the experts based on my own experience.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...gher-sex-drive

When one wants sex more than the other | Understanding sexuality | Sexual Health | SexualityandU

Above are just a couple sets of advice. Now regarding the general advice:

Quote:
1. Don't take it personally.
I've even repeated this one. But the more I deal with the same issue, the more I've come to realize this isn't correct. A relationship is a partnership of 100%/100%. Regardless of whether it is sex or cooking or changing diapers, when one partner isn't willing to reach a compromise and work with the other, it's very personal. Sex drive specifically is something partners should work through together and simply dismissing it as this partner or that partner's issue is dismissing the role of sex in the relationship.

Quote:
2. Try intimate touch without sex.
I see this one a lot. When you are sexually excited by your partner, this one can be a recipe for disaster. In my case, the sound of Mrs. Webgoji breathing at night or how she smiles or how she looks under her big, frumpy nightshirt are a major turn-on for me. Throw in snuggling and I'm a mess. If I don't avoid that intimate contact, I have to default to #3 below.

Quote:
3. Masturbate.
Tread carefully with this one. It can breed resentment. Seriously. When your partner moves from a living, breathing person to a fantasy object I can personally vouch that they move from that area of closeness in your mind to being "just like that hot chick/dude on the street". You know what you're imagining isn't real and isn't going to be real and that's where it starts; needs and wants not aligning with reality. Now don't get me wrong, this is a great stopgap when you know sex is coming soon. But like many of us, when you don't know if it's coming this weekend or month or at all, it can become a source of resentment.

Quote:
4. Negotiate and compromise on frequency. Schedule it.
I don't know about everyone else, but merely mentioning this has been disaster for me. Mrs. Webgoji wants the spontaneity ... of ... I guess not doing it. Scheduling it or trying to discuss a day we can plan on sex has been met with a big NO. I guess if seeing it on the calendar doesn't cause the partner with the lower libido to cringe and dread that day then it can work ..?

So overall, I think the general advice fails to address the real problem. That there's a relationship issue that needs work. All of the other, in my opinion, is merely trying to band-aid a lack of compromise, communication and desire to put our partner's needs and wants high on our priority list.

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Default Mar 05, 2015 at 04:04 PM
  #2
I agree with you 100%! None of those suggestions have been useful to me in my relationship. Like you said a couple months back, not taking it personally is like not taking it personally when someone stabs you.

Everything my boyfriend does turns me on. His hands, his smile, his voice, when he fixes something, how intelligent he is...I could go on and on. I can't imagine having intimate touch and then lying there sexually frustrated!

I feel like some kind of masturbating fool. But does it help me feel closer to my partner or mend the rifts in our relationship? Absolutely not.

And scheduling. Ah, scheduling. I'd LOVE some scheduled sex. But he says it's too artificial. I guess, like your wife, he'd rather spontaneously NOT have sex.

He refuses to talk about it, saying it makes me sad. He just doesn't get it. I want to talk about it so we can come to some kind of compromise. Who cares if I'm a little weepy during the discussion? That's just me being me. Like I told him five minutes ago, I'd rather be a little sad temporarily than a lot sad permanently. And of course he said nothing. So I left the room in tears.

People who refuse to have sex with their partners need to understand how devastating it is to us. The low self esteem, the confusion, the agony of desiring the person next to you in bed, blaming yourself for the problem. The blame is a big one for me, since nothing seemed to trigger his lack of desire except my own weight gain.

I don't know what the answer is. All I know is the advice doesn't help, and the whole thing just SUCKS.

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Default Mar 05, 2015 at 11:55 PM
  #3
5. Destroy your own sex drive with medication so that you are on the same level.
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Default Mar 05, 2015 at 11:58 PM
  #4
I think if you are demanding sex from her then it will breed resentment and she will feel too objectified to offer it, whereas if you let her stew a bit she will offer you sex out of understanding of your situation. Are you arguing a lot over the subject in a way that makes you seem demanding?
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Default Mar 06, 2015 at 07:26 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet View Post
5. Destroy your own sex drive with medication so that you are on the same level.
On a personal level, I can't lie to you and say this hasn't crossed my mind. Seriously. But here's the kicker ...

When I had the worst depressive episode yet in my life, I couldn't bring myself to have the mental energy for sex. At that time, Mrs Webgoji was still a leading candidate for Naughty Housewife of the Year. We recognized there was a problem there (along with the suicidal tendancies ) and I went to work on myself. Lots of therapy, cycling through 4 or 5 different medications and now I'm nearly at the same libido I had when I was 25 and the anorgasmia is almost completely gone... which is what she wanted until 6 months ago when the doctor put her on Pristiq. It works amazingly well for her anxiety and depressive states, but she won't go talk to the doctor about her dead libido.

So long story short, I'm not going to do that. I worked too hard for too long to get myself to a good place to just wreck it again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet View Post
I think if you are demanding sex from her then it will breed resentment and she will feel too objectified to offer it, whereas if you let her stew a bit she will offer you sex out of understanding of your situation. Are you arguing a lot over the subject in a way that makes you seem demanding?
Personally I don't demand, I've begged a couple times though and we've gone upwards of 2 months without me even mentioning it. We've had 3 sit down conversations about it in the past 6 months. However, she has admitted that going to bed sends her anxiety through the roof because there's a chance I might start nudging or touching her (read: foreplay) and the mere thought of either having to reject me again or having to "take one for the team" just stirs up feelings of dread with her.

So like Mrs Webgoji has said, there's absolutely no reason for it. I take care of the house, take care of the kids, serve her dinner in the evening when she walks in the door, support and encourage her at her new management position ... I do everything right, but simply the kitty is dead.

Regarding Partners with Different Sex Drives

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Default Mar 06, 2015 at 07:28 AM
  #6
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I agree with you 100%! None of those suggestions have been useful to me in my relationship. Like you said a couple months back, not taking it personally is like not taking it personally when someone stabs you.

Everything my boyfriend does turns me on. His hands, his smile, his voice, when he fixes something, how intelligent he is...I could go on and on. I can't imagine having intimate touch and then lying there sexually frustrated!

I feel like some kind of masturbating fool. But does it help me feel closer to my partner or mend the rifts in our relationship? Absolutely not.

And scheduling. Ah, scheduling. I'd LOVE some scheduled sex. But he says it's too artificial. I guess, like your wife, he'd rather spontaneously NOT have sex.

He refuses to talk about it, saying it makes me sad. He just doesn't get it. I want to talk about it so we can come to some kind of compromise. Who cares if I'm a little weepy during the discussion? That's just me being me. Like I told him five minutes ago, I'd rather be a little sad temporarily than a lot sad permanently. And of course he said nothing. So I left the room in tears.

People who refuse to have sex with their partners need to understand how devastating it is to us. The low self esteem, the confusion, the agony of desiring the person next to you in bed, blaming yourself for the problem. The blame is a big one for me, since nothing seemed to trigger his lack of desire except my own weight gain.

I don't know what the answer is. All I know is the advice doesn't help, and the whole thing just SUCKS.

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I'm really sorry your still going through all that.

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Default Mar 06, 2015 at 07:30 AM
  #7
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I'm really sorry your still going through all that.

I'm sorry you are, too. I'm wondering if my boyfriend's alcohol consumption doesn't have something to do with it. About the time this started happening, he was drinking more. He's not what I'd call an alcoholic, but he drinks a lot of beer every single night. Like, A LOT. I just thought of that last night. Something to delve into, I guess....

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Default Mar 06, 2015 at 08:02 AM
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I'm sorry you are, too. I'm wondering if my boyfriend's alcohol consumption doesn't have something to do with it. About the time this started happening, he was drinking more. He's not what I'd call an alcoholic, but he drinks a lot of beer every single night. Like, A LOT. I just thought of that last night. Something to delve into, I guess....

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I don't think it would be the cause of his libido problems, but it sure sounds like a further symptom of something. Maybe even whatever it is that's causing his depressed libido?

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Default Mar 06, 2015 at 09:17 PM
  #9
I totally agree with you, the "professional advice" is, at best, totally useless, and at worst absolutely terrible.

The concept of "scheduling sex" is a problem in my relationship too. I'd actually be okay with scheduling it, if only to ensure that things like housework don't get totally neglected in hubby's enthusiastic quest for lots and lots of sex. He's the one against it, saying it takes all the spontaneity and fun out of it.

I hope your wife talks to her doc about the lack of sex drive. Hugs.
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Default Mar 06, 2015 at 11:10 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Webgoji View Post
) and the mere thought of either having to reject me again or having to "take one for the team" just stirs up feelings of dread with her.

She should offer to take one for the team just for the sake of the relationship. I am sure even asexuals who are in an intimate relationship do this.

Also, may I ask what YOU do, Webgoji? You seem very intelligent and maybe you could release some frustration by being more than just a househusband, which is all that you have mentioned so far in this post.
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Default Mar 07, 2015 at 07:46 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet View Post
She should offer to take one for the team just for the sake of the relationship. I am sure even asexuals who are in an intimate relationship do this.

Also, may I ask what YOU do, Webgoji? You seem very intelligent and maybe you could release some frustration by being more than just a househusband, which is all that you have mentioned so far in this post.
Well let's see here I'll grab the lotion and give her a nice foot rub, switch the TV to a slow music station and have her dance with me in the living room, set up having the kids be gone and make a special dinner for her with a romantic movie (the beef loin with blue cheese sauce was epic), PILLOW FIGHT!, playful wrestling, compliments 4-5-10 times a day about how great she's doing at her new managerial job or her outfit.

Frankly I'm out of ideas on my end. I'm not really the most romantic guy on the planet (and sure as hell not sexy, that's for darn sure) so I don't know what else to do.

As far as self-care goes, after all that and working 50 hours a week and househusband duties, I don't get a day off for me. I wouldn't mind a day with beer, football and movies about giant monsters fighting giant robots or something like that. But we get what we can you know?

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Default Mar 08, 2015 at 05:32 PM
  #12
I think you seem like a truly lovely person, Webgoji....

I, also, have been on both ends of this....neither one is a better place than the other.

I agree with you. It seems to me that the so-called experts have no personal experience.

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Default Mar 10, 2015 at 09:00 PM
  #13
It saddens me to read that you both (Webgoji and gloamingone) aren’t experiencing a healthy level of reciprocity in your relationships .

Being on the opposite end of the spectrum (the antidepressants I have taken for years and major anxiety and depression have basically made me as sexually active as a dead flower), my significant other (who’s appetite for sex would annihilate anyone or anything that tried to measure it – like, wow! ) and I have talked about this, and we have agreed that it is necessary to make sacrifices or do things we don’t really want to do to keep our relationship alive and healthy . What if either one of us experiences a horribly stressful month at work and doesn’t want to have sex? It isn’t really fair to the other to unilaterally withhold sex, and since I am the one that struggles the most with sexual activity, I have made a conscious effort to help her with her needs, such as spending anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour intimately touching her, fingering her, etc., whatever she wants . (Sometimes I can get it on – usually, I can’t.) (We aren’t having sex because of issues with birth control, but when we do, this will become an issue and we are prepared for it. In the mean time, we do what we can.)

I don’t know what advice to offer to the both of you . As far as I am concerned, partners need to come to a compromise on these things, but if one partner isn’t willing to talk about it much less compromise…

I hope you two are able to work it out
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Default Mar 11, 2015 at 07:15 PM
  #14
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It saddens me to read that you both (Webgoji and gloamingone) aren’t experiencing a healthy level of reciprocity in your relationships .


Being on the opposite end of the spectrum (the antidepressants I have taken for years and major anxiety and depression have basically made me as sexually active as a dead flower), my significant other (who’s appetite for sex would annihilate anyone or anything that tried to measure it – like, wow! ) and I have talked about this, and we have agreed that it is necessary to make sacrifices or do things we don’t really want to do to keep our relationship alive and healthy . What if either one of us experiences a horribly stressful month at work and doesn’t want to have sex? It isn’t really fair to the other to unilaterally withhold sex, and since I am the one that struggles the most with sexual activity, I have made a conscious effort to help her with her needs, such as spending anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour intimately touching her, fingering her, etc., whatever she wants . (Sometimes I can get it on – usually, I can’t.) (We aren’t having sex because of issues with birth control, but when we do, this will become an issue and we are prepared for it. In the mean time, we do what we can.)


I don’t know what advice to offer to the both of you . As far as I am concerned, partners need to come to a compromise on these things, but if one partner isn’t willing to talk about it much less compromise…


I hope you two are able to work it out

Your post makes sense, it should be give and take. Communication and compromise are very important.

I just got confused on all the touching fingering etc is this the same gf you were talking about before? You said the one you had you only met once briefly (a year ago?) as you live very far, how could you possibly be fingering or touching her any other way? I am not saying you can't have healthy communication with her or love I just don't understand the touching part? Meeting her sexual needs? How? I am sincerely confused.

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Default Mar 17, 2015 at 02:11 PM
  #15
I am not in a relationship, but I definitely relate to yogurtz sitch with all the females I've dated were very sexual more than most younger people at early 20s but even though there are lots of young people like that.

It comes to my deep fears of a committed relationship. I am truly terrified of both ends. At 21 it's prevented me wanting any marriage type of thing if I meet someone I like. The anxiety started from my parents being consistently exposed to an unhealthy relationship. There is no intimacy, my mom thinks there is by taking my dad to dinner or a casino, but deep down my mom is very superficial and selfish. My dad hates her ******** i see his anguish how he regrets marrying her all the time.

Given what having me born and my sister it gave me enough sense to see don't bother. Especially where people want to use and loose not love and appreciate.

Rather my dad loves my mom she and him probably never had sex in probably since 20 years ago. It's weird for me to think, but that's not what I'm getting at the last time they seemed happy together was before I was born.

It's really put a damper on me even having a serious commitment eventually down the road with someone who is cool at first then just can't compromise on anything. If its sex, I'm out. Not suggesting anyone to do the same. I have to be honest with myself and stay far away from getting near that problem for me. This is just me. As of now, I'm not concerned about long term relationships. Rather frightened of them and these stories are interested and disheartening, but further my fear in bothering with anyone.
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Default Mar 17, 2015 at 02:15 PM
  #16
Btw I definitely relate to being close to someone and they push you away when they don't want sex or what's more common when they want it all the time where it's not fun anymore.
Where I've had it so much before, it made me hate how I looked ironically. I felt I was just there to be another sexual accessory for her pleasure. It was very exhausting and devastating on my self esteem.
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Default Mar 19, 2015 at 07:23 AM
  #17
As an update on my end, Mrs Webgoji is headed to the psychologist and gynecologist on 03.26.2015 to determine if there is anything medication or biologically - wise that might be causing dropped libido. As I mentioned before, she used to be a front runner for Naughty Housewife of the Year ( ) but since about last October, she's had zero libido.

A couple weeks ago she got really drunk and that put her in the mood. Makes me feel kinda crappy that she had to be drunk to endure sex, but at least she's getting it checked next week so that's movement in the right direction.

She develops anxiety at bedtime worried that I might be in the mood (which these days I am perpetually). It's like I'm living with a 95-year old woman. All the fun in our marriage has just gotten sucked away into some black hole.

BUT! Overall, it's just a matter of getting through it until we can find out what's wrong and go from there. I just gotta hang on.

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