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Old 03-08-2015, 11:09 PM #11
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Default Telling LCM about BDSM

I want to clarify some things here. These points will be explicit both sexually and in terms of self harm. Please don't read if that will upset you. What I am saying I need to tell her is this:

1) I told her I have a long term goal of being in a relationship. She assumed (as anyone would) that I meant a typical relationship with a man. She encourages me to talk to men that I find attractive, and consider go outside my comfort zone emotionally, but hold off sexually. All of that is good and something I need to do for any romantic/sexual relationship. However, she is ignoring this other element completely. I do not want to a) accidentally get into a relationship that plays into my fetishes but crosses the line into abuse without me realizing it or b) get into a relationship with a great guy who is completely vanilla and watch the relationship slowly completely fall apart because we aren't sexually compatible. I can't keep lying to myself and pretending that this isn't a serious component to my sexuality. This isn't gonna go away and it has to be considered.

2) I told her that I was pursuing and talking to guys online. She asked me what sites I was using. I reluctantly lied and told her okcupid. I asked her why it mattered, and she said it was because it changes tht type of person I might encounter. I'm actually on fetish sites. That's a HUGE difference.

3) I actually often feel like she is pushing me to meet men a little faster than I want to. She assumes it's because I'm scared. While that's true, it's also because I am educating myself on BDSM and trying to establish what kind of man I am looking for extremely clearly as well as reaching out to older members of the community for advice on safety and communication. I would MUCH rather take this slowly and with extreme caution. I think I need to tell her that this relationship goal is much more complicated than she thinks.

4) LCM is hurt and upset with me because she thinks I self harmed earlier this week. While that is technically true, it isn't exactly that simple. I was aroused and happy and took a blade to my skin. I wasn't upset or looking to relieve emotional pain. I did it solely for sexual reasons which is COMPLETELY different than what it was in the past. Granted, I do avoid actually cutting in my play because I did abuse that in the past, but I told her that I wouldn't hurt myself and I was lying. I hurt myself all the time, almost daily, just not by cutting and not to relieve emotional pain.

This isn't something I take lightly at all. I am a strong person and I'm not going to submit to just anyone.
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:33 AM #12
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Default Re: Telling LCM about BDSM

I'm an s. You need to say it's hard for you to be in a relationship because your fantasis are different from others. It took almost 3 years for me to tell my last T. I'm sure it's in my notes. Cutting is sexual no matter why it's done. It gives you the release like an orgasm. You can tell her you don't want a relationship because you're exploring your own sexuality.
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Old 03-09-2015, 09:38 AM #13
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Default Re: Telling LCM about BDSM

I'm in a slave/Master relationship. When I told my T she thought I was seeking pain. Sort of a redemption from past sins. This made me feel terribly guilty. So I tried to stop. Honestly. But I couldn't & can't. It's what I am.
Many people will say, oh this relates to ur past trauma. Really it has nothing to do w/ it. It never really comes out, but has only empowered me. I love it.
My T didn't really accept it & things I wanted to discuss about the lifestyle she just didn't understand nor wanted to. So I decided to stop seeing her. I don't need that source of guilt anymore.
I'm different. I'm unique & in today's standards of trying desperately to fit in, I know I need to find my own path.
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:25 AM #14
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Default Re: Telling LCM about BDSM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Patagonia View Post
I'm in a slave/Master relationship. When I told my T she thought I was seeking pain. Sort of a redemption from past sins. This made me feel terribly guilty. So I tried to stop. Honestly. But I couldn't & can't. It's what I am.
Many people will say, oh this relates to ur past trauma. Really it has nothing to do w/ it. It never really comes out, but has only empowered me. I love it.
My T didn't really accept it & things I wanted to discuss about the lifestyle she just didn't understand nor wanted to. So I decided to stop seeing her. I don't need that source of guilt anymore.
I'm different. I'm unique & in today's standards of trying desperately to fit in, I know I need to find my own path.

Maybe my kinks and fantasies were caused by my past trauma. Maybe they weren't. I don't think it's that simple. I think someone's sense of sexuality and the origins of it is deeply complex and probably can't be pinned down to simply one or two things.

Pretend for a second that it was 100% caused by trauma (which I don't think is true). It makes no difference. The trauma I went through happened when I was in preschool- 12. The brunt of the physical and sexual stuff happened in elementary and early middle school. Stuff that happens to a child is going to permanently alter the way they will view the world. I don't even mean that in a strictly negative way. I could be completely healed from my trauma but still have a "different" perspective on sex. However, tons of people without abusive histories love BDSM and it clearly isn't completely trauma based.

All I know for sure is that this is something that has been apart of my sexuality since the very moment I started being able to acknowledge having sexual urges and debatably even longer. I don't think this is going to go away. It will grow, evolve and shift as I do, but this isn't something I believe I can continue to run away from or pretend isn't important to me.

I really hope LCM will support me and understand that this is very serious to me. I really need her acceptance and guidance even if her guidance is that she thinks I should seek out a mentor within the community.
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:51 AM #15
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Default Re: Telling LCM about BDSM

You still may not be ready to find a therapist, but I'd really urge you to do so before getting into BDSM in practice. My experience has been that it is possible to do it in a way that is psychologically healthy for you, but also very easy to do it in a way that may retraumatize you or reinforce feelings of self-loathing, self-destructive tendencies, etc. The latter is, in my experience, *not a good thing.* Really, really not. I'm glad I had a T who was willing to let me talk about these things, and explore my motivations, to make sure that what I was doing was satisfying for me but also healthy.
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:54 AM #16
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Default Re: Telling LCM about BDSM

And just to add to that, it's perfectly possible to choose the "right" partner, someone with good experience, ethics, and intentions, and still traumatize and damage yourself during play. It's not fair to you, and it's also not fair to that other person, either.
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Old 03-09-2015, 11:06 AM #17
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Default Telling LCM about BDSM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Middlemarcher View Post
You still may not be ready to find a therapist, but I'd really urge you to do so before getting into BDSM in practice. My experience has been that it is possible to do it in a way that is psychologically healthy for you, but also very easy to do it in a way that may retraumatize you or reinforce feelings of self-loathing, self-destructive tendencies, etc. The latter is, in my experience, *not a good thing.* Really, really not. I'm glad I had a T who was willing to let me talk about these things, and explore my motivations, to make sure that what I was doing was satisfying for me but also healthy.

Exactly. Which is why I've been hesitant to pursue a relationship. I've been talking to other people who are into this on other sites. Specifically much older subs who lost their virginity after being fully aware of their sexual urges towards submission and masochism. I was raising the question about being so sexually inexperienced and nervous yet all of my sexual fantasies involve at least some sort of bondage and verbal degradation. I was wondering if I should attempt to pursue a vanilla relationship first because of my inexperience and fear of intimacy. They all uniformly told me that once I do get into my first relationship, absolutely any sexual elements will probably be alluring and fun. However, my fantasies will come back after the initial novelty wears off which could be very quickly and I will be left wanting more. I don't think it's fair to me or anyone I'd get with to be dishonest about this. I don't want to knowingly go into a relationship that will ultimately fail because of sexual incompatibility or fall prey to a predator or find a very good and compassionate Dom who innocently traumatizes me.

I actually do feel ready to find a trauma T. I am going to start to look again. I am just holding off the search a little bit because i'm overwhelmed by the search to be honest.
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Old 03-09-2015, 05:30 PM #18
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Default Re: Telling LCM about BDSM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miguel'smom View Post
I'm an s. You need to say it's hard for you to be in a relationship because your fantasis are different from others. It took almost 3 years for me to tell my last T. I'm sure it's in my notes. Cutting is sexual no matter why it's done. It gives you the release like an orgasm. You can tell her you don't want a relationship because you're exploring your own sexuality.
In bold ~
Im sorry , That is not true, Cutting is done for many reasons they are certainly not all connected to anything sexual.


Growli, I hope that your LC is supportive. As most everyone is saying.. BSDM is fine and great, you just do need to be careful, that's all, careful.
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Old 03-09-2015, 06:50 PM #19
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Default Telling LCM about BDSM

I would probably try to date people who aren't s/m first maybe even have sex and then proceed with s/m? I am not sure about your first contact being s/m? Be careful regardless what you decide to do


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Old 03-09-2015, 09:08 PM #20
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I would probably try to date people who aren't s/m first maybe even have sex and then proceed with s/m? I am not sure about your first contact being s/m? Be careful regardless what you decide to do


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My point isn't that I'm looking for an immediate answer to this. Issues like that are just something that has been seriously bothering me for a very very long time.

LCM asked me over a year ago while I was still in patient if I was bisexual. I said that I am not but that I believe sexuality is fluid and that I would be accepting of myself if I did meet a woman I was attracted to. I asked her why and she said that I seem sexually "scattered" to her because I was pretty sexually overt in groups but "not towards anything specific". Still not sure what she means by that. But I am sexually scattered. I dream of very "violent" sex but am so afraid sex in general. I don't know how much I want to carry outside of the bedroom. I inflict pain on myself and I love it, but then I feel so guilty for it. I'm not making any immediate choices concerning what type of relationship I want to start out with and in what context I want to lose my virginity, but I do think I need to start talking about all of this before I end up in a bad situation.
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