LONG POST: Reaction Formation, the rejection of my own sexual orientation.

You know, almost every gay guy I've met has said that my sexuality is such a small part of who I am, of who we all are. But it's something that's eaten ten years of my life, consumed me with a constant sense of self-loathing and paranoia. I wouldn't call that a small part of me-- I'd call that a mental illness. Now, I'm not saying homosexuality is a mental illness, but for me, it's a burden, something that follows me like a tall shadow in the shape of a skull.

I don't want to accept something about myself that has done nothing good for me. In doing so, I may invite more misery into my life. All my sexuality has ever done for me is cloud my judgement, muddy my thoughts, darken my days and haunt my mind with a constant nagging, like a dirty fingernail clawing at an old drywall, scraping away dirt and grime only to collect more filth in its cuticles and lay its hands upon my shoulders until I can wall it back up, again.

That is not a small part of who you are! It is a huge part. My sexuality is huge part of my life, why shouldn't yours be? Just because you are attracted to men? It should be small part? That guy made no sense

Listen you need intense therapy to deal with this. You are wasting your life hating yourself for no reason. If you cannot afford therapy ask your parents to Borrow money or use your insurance or find inexpensive sliding scale one or something. Please do. I say with compassion you need help

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Wait, I've always been told by straight person and gay person alike that sexuality is a tiny, if not the tiniest part of a person's persona-- and now I'm hearing the opposite, so you can imagine that's quite a shock to me! I'm aware I need intense therapy, I can't afford therapy, neither will I ask my parents to spend money on it or borrow money for it, I've bled them dry of money with therapy sessions all my life enough and I'm just starting to be able to pay them back. I'm sorry, I'm just floored to hear someone say that sexuality is a large part of someone's persona.

Well it is my opinion. My liking men is a big part of me, how I conduct my life, who I love, who I have kids with, who I am intimate with, who I marry or not, who I live with etc I don't understand how it could be a tiny part of one's life?

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I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time absorbing this-- is there anyone else here who agrees with this sentiment? That sexuality is big part of who someone is? I need to know, because I'm so disillusioned, right now.

Start a new thread asking it as no one else but me reads this thread.

Ps if it wasn't a big part of you who are you wouldn't be as upset about it

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I'm not sure I have the authority to make an entirely new thread based on this one, that might upset a mod or an admin... also, over 500 people have viewed this thread, so it's either nobody's actually reading it but you or they're just skimming. My head hurts, I'm gonna go lie down.

You can start whatever threads you want. I could open one if you want

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I've been reading this thread for a while now and have to agree with Divine that sexuality is a huge part of who you are. I'm bisexual and struggled with this for the duration of my teenage years, finally coming to terms with it and accepting that, yes, I am a woman who is sexually attracted to both men and women. It's men that I prefer being in relationships with though.

It's very liberating to do so, and I highly recommend you do the same.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

Man, this is just... I don't know, this whole day has been a bust for me. Had a conversation with my father about psychiatry and some other ethical issues at lunch, it left a bad taste in my mouth and now I have that lingering anxiety that my whole family is plotting some sort of coup against me to disown me or have me thrown in a group home or something-- I know they're not, it just feels that way. I think it's because I saw a pig car earlier, pig cars have always made me anxious-- I have no reason to fear cops, I'm a law abiding citizen but with all the stuff on the news about how cops just ruthlessly murder people for no reason all I see when I see a pig cruiser is someone who I think may want to hurt me.

One of my former students is always petrified that his dad will kick him out. No one kicks him out. He calls me or comes by school every few days terrified. He once even asked to call his dad asked not to kick him out. I know his dad. He isn't kicking no one out

Being scared of cops is rather typical. I am not but know many who are.

Hang in there

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Believe me, I know they're not gonna kick me out. My family, the dysfunctional disposition aside is fairly laid back about that kind of thing. We don't like to talk about our mental problems until we have to.

As for cops, especially if you're gay or black (or heaven forbid both) you should be leery of them-- they're sociopaths with badges that give them a licence to kill anyone they see as unfit and get a paid vacation for doing so. Part of me is afraid to go to a gay bar because I feel like some fat pig will bust in, hit me over the head with his billy club and drag me out to the sidewalk and curb stomp me and scream something like "Guess you don't have such a purdy mouth, now, do ya, boy?"

You probably don't like to be stereotyped yet you just stereotyped the entire profession. That is uncalled for. I know plenty of cops, none are what you described. Calling all cops sociopath is just ....don't even know what to tell you. Many people on here might be married to cops or have children who are cops or cops themselves. Your comments are offensive

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My uncle is a sheriff and is nothing like you so offensively described law enforcement to be. It's their job to protect and serve, and yes, sometimes they cross the line. I won't deny that, but a good majority of officers are hard working, law abiding and go out and beyond the call of their duties.

I would love an apology, but I know that those aren't always forthcoming, so yeah. I'll just get back to the original topic. What exactly are you seeking? Comfort? Understanding? Compassion for your situation? I've been right where you are right now several years ago. I would, for the longest time, tell myself that being sexually attracted to women was wrong and that the fantasies in my head were sick, twisted, and vile.

I suffered greatly from this, just as you are now. I don't see why you have to allow yourself to suffer like this. Just embrace your sexuality as being part of yourself. You were born this way, you certianly didn't choose to be this way, or who you would find yourself attracted to, so why fight it?

It's so much simpler, so much easier to just stop fighting. To stop getting in your own way and let yourself just go with those feelings, that sexuality that is an integral part of you.

I'm sorry to say, but you are your biggest enemy, your own biggest obistical, what have you. And if you don't feel comfortable with going to a gay bar, then try gay dating sites online. Much less hassle and you can browse the potential candidates from the comfort of your own home.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

I had a therapist tell me once, when I started to get some sex I would stop talking about it so much. You know what? He was right.

I had a therapist tell me the same thing, as well as dozens of friends who all told me all I needed was to 'get laid' and when I finally did (with a woman) it didn't get better, it got a worse. It got a whole lot worse.

If I get laid with a woman it would get worse too as I am not attracted to them. The point is to go for the ones you are attracted to. If they are men then go for men

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Just getting laid didn't really do the trick. It was when I established my first meaningful long term relationship with benefits. That was the best medicine for me. Really, the doctor I was seeing at the time couldn't believe how fast I improved without taking any head meds

I tried to convince op to just start looking for a date/relationship and not worry about sex. I know I obsessively think of sex when I am either not with someone it am in
A bad relationship. When I am in a nice relationship (that doesn't happen too often lol) sex stops being an issue.

Look for love and sex will stop being number one concern

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I'm at the point in the night where I'm starting to agree with this.