LONG POST: Reaction Formation, the rejection of my own sexual orientation.

Can you go on a date with a mutual friend? That way if it turns out bad your friend can be there to support you?

I do think you should try to date and maybe see a psych about taking a light anti-anxiety right before the date. I think that making the date and not going is only enforcing your fears because you don't get to the place where you can see that not all relationships are the same nor are they all destructive again. Can you also talk to this old therapist that said you have c-ptsd and see if they can refer you to a lgbtqia+ specialist who works on a sliding scale/community center?

Sorry I didn't reply earlier.

It may be that you have asexual tendencies. Still, since you have so little interpersonal sexual experience, it's hard to say for sure. Basically, it's time to do research. Go to a gay bar - NOT FOR SEX - but to meet similar people. Hang out. See how others deal with it, make new friends, etc. Try to meet others who have similar tastes and interests so that you can bond. If you decide to experiment with gay sex, that's fine. If not, that's fine too. Put yourself out there in real time and see how it goes. You cannot make a decision based solely on on-line experiences, you need real time experience. Also try to connect with others who identify as asexual and see if you have much in common with them.

As a gay man myself, and not a very successful one at that (unlike you, I lack looks and personality and an understanding family), I think you need more knowledge to determine if gay life is for you. I don't think that many gays really like being gay. They try to make the most of life as best they can. Being gay does not mean you have to dress differently or act differently or be catty, etc. You DO KNOW who you are attracted to - bear men. That is a HUGE plus. Also, they are the most friendly gays going so if there is a crowd you want to be involved in then there's a lot of good company there. Of course, there are some bears that may not be to your liking, however; I think you do know what you're looking for personality wise and won't waste your time with those who are not for you.

Your lack of experience and fears can be overcome. You do have the personal skills and looks to meet likeminded bears. I've met other gays who were very affected by their parents divorce. It can pollute your beliefs and thoughts - you might see love as a bad thing considering what happened to the two most important people in your young life. Perhaps deep down you don't want acceptance of your sexual orientation based on their liberal religious views - rather you want their acceptance of you for who you are - their child. Maybe their separation and divorce hurt you. You wanted a childhood like everyone else and now want to be straight like everyone else. Sadly, a childhood with both parents in the house did not happen for you. They did not give you what you wanted from them - a peaceful home with two loving parents. Is that a good reason to deny yourself love now? Because their love for each other faded and made you hide your problems then when you needed both of them together? It seems that they know the real you but perhaps have never really discussed with you just who you are. Are they waiting for you to do the work (instead of them as the adults in your life) and say, "mom, dad - I'm gay." I sense their divorce hurt your feelings a long time ago. They were too preoccupied with it to give you enough attention then. Did their arguing turn you off to love? Did it make you feel that your existence was a problem? Avoidance may have worked for you then - by being a good boy so as not to make problems when far bigger ones existed - but it isn't working for you now. You have a lot going for you that would make being successful in the gay community very workable. You need to do research to allay your fears and concerns. It may not be what you really want but you can make the best of it if you try. It's time to research and try life in real time. It's time to admit that avoidance is not doing you any good anymore.