Partner feels distant when I orgasm

My partner says that when I am just about to orgasm, or during my orgasm, or when she sees me feeling intense pleasure -- at those moments she also feels farther away from me. It's as though I've left her behind and gone to another place, she feels. Is this her issue, or mine? She says the solution is that we should go more slowly and remain connected emotionally at all moments, including orgasm. And she implies that I shouldn't have too much excitement, muscle tightness or anticipation even in the moments just before orgasm, because this is when I'm distancing myself from her, she says. I have had over 70 partners in my life and most of them were really happy with my ways in bed, so this is unexpected. She also did experience some sexual assault, and lovers who were cold or unemotional, who she felt were using her.

She told me the other day that lovemaking shouldn't be for "stress relief". All my life, I always thought it was a great way to relieve stress. And I'm very emotionally open and vulnerable during sex, sometimes I cry. I love to make eye contact whole making love. I'm NEVER blithely ignoring her emotional needs or focusing primarily on my own pleasure.

In these same moments she's referring to -- when she felt distant from me --- I on the other hand, was feeling a strong sense of being closer to her as I climaxed. What's going on here?

I'm pretty calm and easygoing most of the time, not so filled with anxiety anyway. Sometimes I get disillusioned with sex entirely because of her complications around it. With almost all my other partners it was more easy to mutually come together in a sexual release, without hangups or ideas of wrongness coming into the picture. So when I feel down about it, I just don't even masturbate for a while. This leads to pent-up sexual frustration I think. If it's been days or weeks since I had an orgasm, maybe that's what she's sensing in me. Whatever it is, she's very sensitive and finely tuned to it. But I don't see how having a feeling of anticipation and desire is something to avoid having! She says that my expression of desire sometimes overwhelms her and makes her want to slow me down. So I listen, pay attention to her signals, and go slower, every time to the best of my ability. But sometimes I just want us both to let go of inhibition and be wild! I don't like feeling held back, like I have to be so careful and tiptoe along to convince her to make love -- that doesn't seem natural.

Am I mostly dealing with projection, with her recovery from past hurts? Is she just imagining this distance, because of some previous boyfriend who was distant? Or is this something new I need to learn -- Could it be that I'm blind to my emotional distancing or compartmentalization? I thought I was a great lover and very sensitive & caring. Have I been doing something wrong all these years with all my partners? Or is this about her and her past?

I love this girl so much, and plan to stay with her the rest of my life, and she knows that. Every day I show plenty of non-sexual affection. I would appreciate some help with understanding where she's coming from. We discuss everything freely but she doesn't like my tendency to "overanalyze" when it comes to lovemaking. So I thought this forum could be helpful.

Thanks!!

Welcome to Psych Central (PC) johnbk. Sorry to hear you have been suffering from a difficulty in your relationship. The traditional concept of lovemaking is the man and woman join. It is a quick connection following by a quick ending.

A woman may require a half hour of touching and holding before she is ready for intimate touching. The experience of lovemaking can be enhanced if the man is willing to change his ways and rather than seek self satisfaction and quick orgasms, the man seeks to open the woman slowly emotionally.

If you want to read more about this Tantric or Taoists method of intimacy, there is a book here to describe in great detail.
http://www.amazon.com/Tao-Love-Sex-J...f+love+and+sex

Some people at PC will find a therapist will also help them sort out the roots of their relationship.

Many people find compassionate, caring people here at PC. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

There are articles that go into more detail about coping
http://www.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

It could very well be that your partner is still affected by her past experiences and this is preventing her from being able to enjoy herself fully during sex. You've mentioned that she told you her "solution" is to go more slowly. What are your thoughts on this? Do you feel you spend sufficient time on foreplay and then the actual sex? Women usually tend to take much longer to get in the mood and then orgasm.