Teen in need

My life's been nothing but confusion since January this year. I'm suffering sexual identity issues, Im scared im going to turn out gay, and it's eating me alive.

It all started when I was at school, and some boys seriously bullied me. They accused me of being gay, and that when I denied, I was only lying to myself. They tortured me almost, they wouldnt stop asking me if I was gay.

After that, a huge mark was made in my mind. I became self conscious, I began asking if perhaps they knew something I didnt know. Id do something Id think was quite gay, eg, say something very camp like "Look at your hair".

To make matters worse, I was loving a girl unrequitedly, which added to my torment, as I wasnt recieving any female attention. Ironically, I wasnt sexually fantacising about men at this point. I was just scared of becoming something I didnt want to become.

It only got worse. I kept checking my actions, looking at things I did and thinking "That was really gay what you just did!" I continued liking this girl, and wishing shed just look at me, and love me. To be fair, I know a good looking man when I see one, but it was nothing sexual. Looking back I can see that I wasnt attracted to men at this point of my confusion, yet it still ate away at me.

Then it began, my fantasies. I had a dream about a guy and kissing him goodnight, and when I woke up I was freaked out! I thought, "There's only one way you're going!". I began to try and see if sexual images of men would turn me on, and they didnt. But my mind wouldnt rest.

I then began to look at my past. Things I did that were questionable, eg the mancrushes I had, times when I thought a guy was good looking.... thoughts that made me think that perhaps ive always been gay but never realised it. But I had always been attracted to females, crush after crush on the opposite sex etc

But I suppose crisises like this only make light from the bad things. Carrying on, I kept thinking "was my life a lie? Did I just fancy girls because I thought I was meant to?" even then, Id much rather live that lie than be gay (no offence to gay people out there)

Sometimes my sexual anxieties would fade, and id think to myself "Why on earth didya go through that phase?" for three days Id be completely at ease with myself, and see women for the beauties they always were with me. I even met a girl who I really liked, and I liked to hav thought liked me too. Were still in touch now, and I wish she culd be my girlfriend.

But my confusion started again, and i keep thinking about kissing my male friends. My attraction to girls has withered, and im scared itll never return, and I'll be doomed to live a lifestyle bullies hav always wanted me to live. You see Ive always been accused of being gay in my life, since primary school. Maybe it was eventually always going to conflict with me.

I tried "gaying" myself up, eg acting gay and seeing if I enjoyed it, I only feel uncomfortable! When I hug male, and whilst I hav no problem doing this, I dont "feel" anything... When a guy was acting gay around me and pretending to do sexual stuff to me, I wasnt turned on. Yet my anxiety remains...........

Life was so beautiful before! What Id do to go back to that time when my mind was free, and my fate wasnt such a huge issue

Fallen Warrior,

I'm sorry for the pain and uncertainty you are feeling at this time.

It is awful to have to endure bullying.

Hormones could be a factor in your feelings. I would move ahead with your given gender, and embrace all the opportunities it holds.

It's awful that "gay" has become a descriptor for so many things.

I would focus on feeling masculine, and not give room to the other thoughts, which may have very well cropped up in light of the bullying you have endured.

Welcome to PC!

Hugs,

EJ

would you mind posting how old you are? that might help us help.

em

First off... Welcome to PC!

I know things may be hard deiciding gay, straight, or bi? I can see girls being really pretty, and I thought that made me a lesbian, but I have such an attraction for guys. But don't stress it. Just be you, and you'll make up your mind and hopefully things won't be hard then. Don't be afraid of being gay. I know some people dislike that or homophobic but there are alot of people that don't mind it. Just stick up for yourself and be strong. It may be hard but things will ease up soon hopefully.

Good luck to you!

lol thanks for ur help ladies..... but I just did some exposure therapy....

I watched the first ten minutes of "Queer as Folk", and lets just say... i dont feel so gay!

Homophobic as I may sound, watching the guys on the gay scene didnt really excite me. And when it got down to the dirty stuff.... I wasnt aroused at all, I was quite sickened.

As I said, I dont mean to sound homophobic, from my experience, Ive learnt to respect gay people, see them as what they are and fellow people no different from you and me.

Altho knowing my luck, im probably gonna be all anxious again tommorow.

thankyou anyway, youve been great help.
hugs lovely ladies

Altho I think my diagnosis is OCD. Ive gathered that I always look into things too much. I always have, and if my OCD is the cuase, Ill learn to live with it.. I suppose I should move to the OCD section now....

alot of people your age (teen) tend to be curious. I highly suspect the bully put the idea into your head and it has caused you to wonder if you are gay or not. I don't think you are since you are so attracted to females. pay them no mind and move on hon.

Thanks, as I said, exposure therapy works.

Watching Queer as folk made me feel that their life wasnt mine. You know what I mean, a feeling deep down. Sort of like knowing you dont like snooker, even if you've never played it!

Their life just doesnt seem like what mine's going to follow, I cant feel it.

Problems I do have is my confidence. These four months have been heart wrenching, as my fear increased, my confidence towards women wayned. I keep fearing that I'll never fall in love with a woman. I spent so much time worrying about my fate, I wasnt focused on girls alot. Another problem I had was, if I found a woman attractive, Id somehow think I didnt really. Ive been knocked off track, and I wish those bullies could get a taste of their own medicine.

Whilst there's nothing wrong with gayness, I perfectly respect them (looking it through my eyes, I was close to becoming one). Everything adds up to be honest. And I apologise for going on, but this is me getting everything straight (lol):

1) whilst being accused of being gay since i was 9, at first, never did anything to me at first. I believe it created a sensitive spot in my mind, and it took a gradual amount of abuse in order to make it a problem. like a wound u continuously touch.

2) love has never been kind to me. i always liked girls who never liked me back. girls i wasted so much passion on, so many nights dreaming and lying awake thinking about them... yet no passion has been returned to me. only once a year ago, and i felt love, but it only ended sadly.

3) Teen years. As pointed out, im in my teens, and curioisty is natural. But what those bullies have done, is made me jittery to any homosexual thought I had. Ive had curiosity before all this, and usually it would make me shudder and id soon forget it. Even then the curioisty was very small and rarely happened. My mind would be directed to girls all the time.

It's fair to say the bullies have placed a burden on me. What could have been a natural period of my life, resulted in a struggle. For all I know, I may have never had gay thoughts if it wasnt for them. The sad part of all this is the fact that no one can know. At school, I cant just say, "I'm sexually confused, what about you?" I cant go to the bullies and tell them what mental conflict theyve caused me.

My school work slipped, homework was the least of my worries. I was a model student, Im currently up for head boy. but none of that concerned me anymore. I spent my days trying my best to survive thougths that worried me. I felt like a ticking time bomb.... it's sad. But its also taught me a serious lesson.

In life, we are all going to be pitted with situations that will at times seem unescapable. Weve just got to learn to live with them. The sad part is, I felt so alone, and I could never tell my parents how I felt.

It's not about the gayness issues, it's the fact I spent four months of my life in a small dark room. Whilst I could have been having fun growing like all of my friends, my problem landed me in a place of isolation. I know I sound insane right now, but Im only getting it off my chest.

Ive grown and matured from all of this, and thats what Im grateful for. I just feel sad that im so uncertain and confused. That because of some boys, what could have been a natural process of my growth became something I feared day by day. Im not going to be mean and wish for the bullies to feel this uncertainty. Its something no one should go through. Thinking youre one thing for all your life, then being told youre another in such a cruel way.

If I ever have children, and they ever feel uncertain about their sexuality, or something. Im going to be there for them, spare them of it and let them know that everything will be alright.

I apologise for my rant, this was a traumatic time of my life. I dont truly hate the bullies for what they caused. I just want some love, for a girl to hold me close and tell me its ok.... damn, that was a straight thought lol

I completely understand. I'm 15, so I know hwo this struggele goes. I'm actually kinda stuck on this myself. I find myself looking at a guy I really like, then looking at one of my good girlfreinds, and thinking about kissing them. But, it'll get better. Just chill out, and what happens, happens, don't try to force any certain direction on yourself, cause in the end that's jsut going to hurt you more. So, be yourself, and see what happens.

Hi Fallen Warrior,
As a mother of a 15 yr old son I want to put my arms around you and give you a big hug. Go to this website www.connectwithkids.com, they have great articles ,that might help you to understand what your feeling and why your feeling it.
Best of luck.

hell they cant say ya gay at 9.... noone has a complete idea by then.
try to trust your feelings. if u feel like u are straight, u r straight. ok?..
i get really confused about lots of things, its probably coz i dont trust my feelings...
i look too deeply into things too! hehehe...
hugs

so from what i see you understood in the end are are not gay?

i will tell you one thing-i remember myself as a teenager also taking everything very serious and how social comunication had it`s influence on me.

i think that what we all have to learn-and the soonr-the better-is rely on OURSELVES.
if you know yourself as a straight-why should any1 have the power to decide for you? to make you suspicious? ONLY YOU know . you know yourself way better then those stupid boys who said you were gay.

maybe even thta dream was a resolt of fear and lack of confidence.

i had some strange dreamns about girls myself....but never thought i was lessbian! becasue i`m just NOT. simple as that. really. things in our life are not as complicated as we make them sometimes.