Masturbation Question

I feel like I have a major problem with this. I cannot achieve orgasm with anyone but myself. I don't know if it's because I"m a survivor of many cases of abuse, and the only way I can do it is laying down and locking my legs in a straight position.

I feel like I"m a freak because this is the only way...at least for me...I've really tried other ways but it doesn't work...I just can't get "there."

I believe some sexual acts have "learned" components, especially when they relate to other people. I suspect since you have abuse issues you have to practice and learn to get comfortable in new ways? Too, could be it takes a certain someone, etc.

The sexual portion is "built in" and that you achiee orgasm at all means you have all the right "parts" and they work? I was cheered when I was younger and thought there was something wrong with me to realize that and understand the rest is just behavior/learning/emotional stuff.

lexie, it took me a long time to be able to relax enough to have an orgasm with a man. i think it goes back to childhood. masturbating, alone, helped me with being with a man. try working into a more relaxed position......just keep working on it......love, pat

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Lexicon78 said:
I feel like I have a major problem with this. I cannot achieve orgasm with anyone but myself. I don't know if it's because I"m a survivor of many cases of abuse, and the only way I can do it is laying down and locking my legs in a straight position.

I feel like I"m a freak because this is the only way...at least for me...I've really tried other ways but it doesn't work...I just can't get "there."

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Holy crap. That's the only way that works for me, as well. I thought I was a freak too. I still think I am, but at least I can cross this one off the 'reasons why' list.

A good book on the topic:

The Sexual Healing Journey

Take care, emmy

<font color="red"> WARNING!!! WARNING!!! WARNING!!! - Straight forward Sex Talk... do NOT read it it might harm YOU. </font>

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I agree with Perna.... for we often learn (teach) our mind and body how or what to react with during sexual orgasm - plus I speak from personal experience for I too went thru this problem a while back and I had to abstain from pleasuring myself for many many many months in order to let my body reprograms its self and see my husband as my goal for sexual sharing / pleasure again.

* * * * * * * *

Dr. Douglas Weiss has spoken on this form of addiction and how it can often lead to problems with a real person (if and when) we use manual masturbation instead of a person for our sexual pleasure..... he explains this happens due to the fact that our bodies were made to connect mentally and visually with that which see and believe to be our sexual pleasure at the moment of orgasm.... this is referred to as SEX GLUE.

.... Dr Weiss goes on to tell of a man that always masturbated with his cow-boy boots on and generally was looking down when he climaxed, therefore, his mind & eyes had placed the boots in his sexual mind as his object of pleasure and he could not make love with a real person without having his boots on or he would not have an orgasm. - this man had to re-train his brain.

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An article I put in my own words..... on SEX GLUE (written for a males pov, but used for females as well)

<font color="blue"> YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE BRAIN TO YOUR SEXUALITY. </font>

Changes occur in the male physical body during the sexual act that not only changes its physical appearance, but also affects it physiologically in many ways when a man is being sexual. FACT – to be a sexually successful man, you must have a sexually successful brain. Typically what a man thinks about and focuses on is what he ends up doing.

While all the case studies confirm that men spend a lot of time thinking about sex many times throughout the day, we must ask the question why so many men are not having sexual success. One reason is because of the manner in which men are thinking about sex. Another reason is the men’s brains have actually been trained about sex. This faulty thinking and training hinders the sexual success that men could experience. The good news is that there is an answer for these problems. It is possible to create a sexually successful brain.

<font color="blue"> WHAT IS SEX GLUE? </font>

When a man ejaculates his brain receives its maximum chemical reward (more powerful than any illegal street drug). Critical to a man’s sexual success is understanding that whatever he looks at while having an ejaculation is what he will sexually connect or “glue” to.

Whatever his eyes focus on when he sexually releases - - - a person, image, object, will become etched in his brain as a photographic attachment toward that person, image or object. <font color="blue"> This called “SEX GLUE”.
</font> So after a period of time of having sex with the same person, when he sees her, he is going to feel attached to her.

Hence the reason why lights should always be on during lovemaking and eyes wide open – make the eye contact to insure mental bonding of the two.

(This process is true for both men and women during sex)

<font color="blue"> A true fact: </font>

Men will emotionally and sexually become glued to what ever it is that he views through the eyes during his sexual release, even that of a once youthful, beautiful and slender wife that has now put on little weight and is changing with old father time. Not to mention what happens to the body after giving birth to a few of his children (smiles).

Excellent warning there Rhapsody Thank you.

I agree with Perna with respect to the 'learned component'.

I guess there are a few things you could do... One of them (to work towards someone else being able to give you an orgasm) is to do everything the same as you do but guide his / her hand. I think that there is a bit of a learned compnent to positions and the like. My legs like to be rigid too :-)

Another thing you could do is some of the 'sensate focusing' stuff that I found on Wiki. Male sexual dysfunctions are often treated that way and female sexual dysfunctions are too (though it is of course controversial whether not having an orgasm constitutes a 'dysfunction'). The purpose of those exercises is to take the pressure off by having an aim of experiencing pleasure rather than experiencing orgasm. It is a way of learning (with your partner) what you like and what your partner likes too (with respect to both giving and receiving).

Sometimes orgasms can be a little like happiness... If you search for it directly then it always will elude you (too much pressure) but if you take the time to enjoy the moment (with the sensate focusing stuff) then it will just happen... Eventually.

I used to need to have my legs rigid. Then I learned (for myself and via a partner) to be able to vary the position slightly and clench my groin area. Turned out that clenching the groin (lower abs etc - I'm not so good on the precise details of the anatomy there) was what I really needed to do and that basically making my legs go rigid seemed to work because a by product of that was to clench those other areas...

Once you get the hang of clenching those internal and external midsection muscles (which I'll admit I haven't quite and I am SOOOO out of practice) then you can vary the position rather a lot... At least... This seems to be what started to happen with me...

Practice practice practice... good luck!

oh rhapsody i just love reading your posts, they're so insightive and good. i want you as my relationship counsellor is that ok with you lol

love ya.......

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jinnyann said:
oh rhapsody i just love reading your posts, they're so insightive and good. i want you as my relationship counsellor is that ok with you lol

love ya.......

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You got it - any time....................................

............ ............

Another thing to remember: With masturbation, you learn what touches work for you. A partner doesn't automatically know that, and not just any partner will do. Sometimes you get lucky, and find a partner who's able to stroke you the right way. Most that don't, are teachable. You have to teach him what feels best to you; not everyone likes the same things.

Some women need more foreplay than others, and not all men are good or patient when it comes to foreplay. If he's not willing to learn, he's not a good sexual partner.

I rarely have an orgasm with a partner, but it's happened. I do have a problem relaxing and letting myself enjoy the sex, as opposed to worrying about how to please him, but I want to emphasize that difficulty with sex with a partner isn't necessarily about something you've learned or done wrong.

(((((Everyone)))))

I just wanted everyone to know how much I appreciate all the input on this subject. I don't always reply...but I am listening.

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Maven said:...
A partner doesn't automatically know that, and not just any partner will do. ... If he's not willing to learn, he's not a good sexual partner.

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My husband.... when we first started out, he said to me. "YOU? are going to tell ME? how to eat ***??"

Hello Dumbarse?! I've got one! You don't?! lmao

He's gotten better. But sadly, still has a ways to go . Thank God for "Bob". He's met Bob but... I don't think he cares for him.

You must not lose faith in humanity.
Humanity is an ocean;
if a few drops of the ocean are dirty,
the ocean does not become dirty.
~Mahatma Gandhi~

I am so glad we can have open discussions about sex here. it does the heart good

Hm, neat post, Rhapsody.....& thx for the warning.

Lexie.......hugs to you.

Des

I was thinking about how Rhapsody's post was relevant to the question that the original poster asked and on a second read through this bit struck me:

> Dr. Douglas Weiss has spoken on this form of addiction and how it can often lead to problems with a real person (if and when) we use manual masturbation instead of a person for our sexual pleasure.....

Dr. Douglas Weiss is opposed to masterbation because he views it as a form of addiction that prevents people bonding to their partner because of the lack of sex glue?

> he explains this happens due to the fact that our bodies were made to connect mentally and visually with that which see and believe to be our sexual pleasure at the moment of orgasm.... this is referred to as SEX GLUE.

Referred to as SEX GLUE by who? I've never heard of that before. Who does he reference as talking about Sex Glue? Where are the scientific studies that back up the notion?
What message is the poster meant to take from this?

Its my fault I can't orgasm with a partner because I've been doing something so unnatural as masterbating???

Or do you just mean to suggest that she should look at her partners eyes while she is masterbating...

I suppose that I might ask about where your mind is when masturbating. Do you practice a diversity in if you are thinking of you or someone you lust after or love or someone you fantasize about- real or not real? Is there a pattern to your success while masturbating? Does one thing work and not another?

I suppose when I think of stuck or not stuck or glue... I think of diversity in exploration rather than going to a glue status.

I know that the definition may differ but the acceptance of myself and my desires has been facilitated by practicing practicing practicing...

I am admittedly dysfuntional in the sexual arena of my life...(cringe) but masturbation and acceptance and hey...enjoying it lots... and exploring different ways to orgasm has allowed expandingment and has allowed me to become...at least a bit.. unstuck. Thank goodness. Tis progress.

As you become more comfortable with yourself and have success and joy with your own orgasms...then, with trust of your partner, you can move in to the area of sharing what works for you alone with your partner.

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alexandra_k said:
Referred to as SEX GLUE by who? I've never heard of that before. Who does he reference as talking about Sex Glue? Where are the scientific studies that back up the notion?
What message is the poster meant to take from this?

Its my fault I can't orgasm with a partner because I've been doing something so unnatural as masterbating???

Or do you just mean to suggest that she should look at her partners eyes while she is masterbating...

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Ok - I am not pointing fingers at any one just stating the facts......

Any person (male or female) who masturbates often for sexual release can be creating future problems for them and their life long partner, for they are setting their body and mind eye up to sexually connect with some thing else other than the person they love.

AND......... YES - if you are to masturbate -
do it with EYE WIDE OPEN and look your partner directly in the EYES at the moment of sexual release - your orgasm.

You do NOT know what you are missing until you try this EYES WIDE OPEN thing..... it is an physical, emotional and spiritual coming together of that I could NEVER put into words, yet I have felt it, boy have I ever felt it.
....... WOW!! BAM!! FIREWORKS!! CHRISTMAS in JULY!!

Dr Weiss is a psychologist with a degree in sexual dysfunctions.... and he him self has had to over come a sexual addiction of porn & masterbation that always destoryed his marraige - So I would say that he has the facts from both medical knowledge / studies and personal experience.

YOU can LOOK his name up on line - it is every where's: Dr. Douglas Weiss

Here is a LINK to some of his books..... I have most of them.

LINK: http://tinyurl.com/28hb9t

P.S.

I am NOT saying that masturbation is wrong (for I par take of its pleasures from time to time) with hubby's approval - but masturbation should NEVER be your main form of sexual release or even 50% of it, other wise the body will become confused and connected to an object for its pleasure.... therefore making it near to impossible for you to reach orgasm any other way.

thanks for making your views more explicit. i guess i have trouble with some of the claims that you are taking to be fact. I've be interested to know what studies establish the following 'fact':

> Any person (male or female) who masturbates often for sexual release can be creating future problems for them and their life long partner, for they are setting their body and mind eye up to sexually connect with some thing else other than the person they love.

So the majority of people in the world who masterbate well before they are ever sexually active with a partner... Are setting themselves up for future sexual problems? I thought that people who didn't masterbate as children / teenagers tended to be the ones with the sexual problems later in life???

> if you are to masturbate -
do it with EYE WIDE OPEN and look your partner directly in the EYES at the moment of sexual release - your orgasm.

so one shouldn't masterbate until one has a partner, is this what you are saying?

> You do NOT know what you are missing until you try this EYES WIDE OPEN thing..... it is an physical, emotional and spiritual coming together of that I could NEVER put into words, yet I have felt it, boy have I ever felt it.
....... WOW!! BAM!! FIREWORKS!! CHRISTMAS in JULY!!

And thus... It is a moral imperitive to do this or else one is creating likely sexual problems for oneself?

Things seem to have progressed from the 'don't play with it or you will go blind' idea... But not very far, I must say.

> masturbation should NEVER be your main form of sexual release or even 50% of it, other wise the body will become confused and connected to an object for its pleasure.... therefore making it near to impossible for you to reach orgasm any other way.

I don't believe this. I don't care who said it I'd want compelling studies to show it.

It is jolly well hard to believe since before people are sexually active with a partner masterbation is of course 100% of their sexual activity and yet the majority of people do not have problems orgasming with a partner later in life.