Emotionally attracted to women, sexually to men

Hello everyone, I will try to be brief as much as I can so I don't confuse anyone.

1. I guess I had a rough life.

• 8yo - my dad died
• 10yo - I had to relocate because of the war. I lived with my grandparents, and almost didn't see my mother for a year.
• 11yo - I had to move again.
• 11-16yo - I was a target of the bullies because of the place I came from
• 16-18yo - was a pretty okay period
• 18-26yo - I got kidney disease. Lots of medication, doctors, hospitals and everything like that.

I'm 27 now. I finished University, I found a job, and I live alone. My illness is under control. And I was rather happy.
Before anything else, I have to state that I'm a loner. I have few good friend, and I am generally communicative. But I don't like spending much time with other people. I have some theories why is that so, but I don't think it is important for this. I really enjoy being alone.

I guess I was always attracted to men on some level. Of course the first time I confronted myself with that I was a teenager. The first time I had meet with other gay men I was 17, and the first time I had physical contact with another men I was 21.
I never felt emotionally attracted to other men. Only physically.
And I was always attracted to older, dominant men.
My libido (sexual desire) is rather low. So I had sexual contact with other men approximately 1-2 times a year. In the between I would masturbate, but had little or no desire to have contact with someone. Until (I guess) that energy piled up every 6-12 months.

On the other hand. In the period 16-24 years I was really attracted to girls. But that was only emotional attraction. I had a few relationships and I usually broke them up because:
1. I like being alone, and they wanted us to spend too much time together. And it just didn't work.
2. Eventually lack of my sexual attraction became a problem, I could not get over that. And we broke up.
3. I didn't like them at all. It was just my Ego who wanted to 'conquer' them. And the moment he managed to do that, I would lose all interest.

At some point, when I was around 24, everything stopped. I stopped being attracted to girls, I stopped meeting gay men (I kept contact with one man and we were seeing each-other every 6-12 months). And everything was okay. I was actually happy with the way things were going. And I was ready to live my life like this for good.

6 months ago, a new female coworker came to the office. It was all fine, until few weeks ago when I realized that I'm starting to like her as more then just a friend and a coworker. That didn't happen in the last few years, and I was rather surprised. I was actually thinking about her all the time, wanting to communicate with her, etc. And now I'm confused. I'm not sure what am I feeling towards her. I'm afraid that it is just my Ego again, wanting to prove something to someone by managing to 'win' her.
On the other hand I'm afraid that the lack of my desire to spend time with people would get in our way.
Or the actual worst, that everything would be fine but the lack of my sexual desire towards her would get in the way.

And I don't know what to do. Not only with this girl, but with my life in general.
The thing I'm scared the most is that in 10 or 20 years I would realize that I wanted something else. Or the source of my problems was some psychological trauma, that took years to resolve. And that I wasted a lot of time.


P.S
My analysis:
- Being attracted to men is part of my nature, since it showed really early.
- I'm attracted to older dominant men for couple of reasons. First being that I had no father figure in my life. And 2nd because I always had a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders, and that subconsciously I just want someone to take care of me for a change. And I guess being bullied had something to do with that.
- I don't like spending time with people because during my illness I was actually scared for my life. And I realized how time is precious. So I tend to spend it as I like and not to give it to other people easily.
- My Ego is attracted to winning girls over, because it feeds on that. Being bullied and not well liked turned my Ego to seek this kinds of fulfillment.
- But also I really like girls. But I have no idea why I can't get at least a bit physically attracted to them. Maybe because I was raised by my mom and sister so that had some influence to not see women in that way.

I don't seek a solution. I just want to hear other peoples' opinions. Thank you everyone.

It sounds to me that you are really self aware and you understand a lot about yourself. That is a huge plus. It may very well be true that you gravitate towards men but your attraction to your co-worker could mean that you also have the capacity to be attracted to women. You may be in a sub class of people who can be attracted to both sexes for differing reasons. You could be a-sexual. I think our upbringing can mold us into the way that we are. I am a woman. I am not romantic-ly attracted to men. I am not really sexually attracted to men. My father abandoned me when I was 10 years old. (abandonment issues). I am more romantically attracted to women but not sexually. (my mother stuck with me and didn't leave) Am I a-sexual? I really don't know. I will be working with my therapist on this soon. Have you considered talking to a therapist about your concerns? btw...

Welcome to PC. I hope that you get great support here as I have with my own issues.

The site has some great features to include a community calendar with weekly announcements. It also has a resource center. It takes a little while for your first 5 posts to appear as they are being evaluated. Browse the numerous forums and *social groups (*need to join) and post when and where you feel comfortable.

If you need any help in navigating this site feel free to contact a community liaison or moderator. I hope that you find all of the answers that you are wishing for.

NullNull, I have read Sideblinded's post as well and I agree that you could be asexual - or potentially bisexual. If you feel there is the potential for a great relationship with your female coworker, don't let your past get in the way. The past is important, but you can focus on the present. Sexual desire changes over time, and it could be that you develop (or don't) sexual desire for her as time progresses. Be kind to yourself. A label for your sexual orientation is not as important (in my opinion) as your happiness in day to day life.

i nullnull
i have difficultly connecting emotionally and sexually because i have schizoid traits due to the trauma in my life. it is hard work for me to maintain relationships with others, so now i just dont bother so i, as sideblinded mentioned just consider myself asexual because i dont even think about sexual fulfillment anymore. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

this is me in a nutshell. sorry i have no advice. but it's nice to find someone like me.

I am not sure what the best route is for you overall, but I have strong yellow or red flags about having a personal relationship with a coworker for a couple reasons.

First, you might start a relationship and it does not work out and it could make your job difficult

Secondly, in the course of getting to know the coworker, you may tell your preferences for men sexually and this could get around the office and make life difficult

Having an affair with a coworker could be considered sexual abuse in some offices and grounds for getting fired directly or indirectly. It is hard to anticipate.

You can have virtual friendships online and not risk any of those work possibilities. In the end it is a personal decision, but I wanted to point out consequences that may occur (have seen this happen) and are difficult to anticipate.

I have to say I agree with CANDC on this one. Relationships at work usually end with someone losing their job. I've seen it too many times. Welcome to Psych Central!!!