Is it me or is he cheating?

I have been in my relationship for 17 years. it has always been loving, the sex has been phenomenal. My SO has recently started travelling for work. At first i received text messages of how much being away from me was killing him, how he needed to hold me, etc. A month out I was catching him checking my phone, stalking my Facebook. His behavior became erratic. He started putting me down in front of other people. This last trip home he tells me he wants to join a Gym. I agree that it sounds fantastic and pursue researching Gyms. He tells me that he said that HE wants to join the Gym not us together. He started drinking heavily while out of town and being less available for me, sometimes not calling for a few days. Sexually he flirts with me but when it is time to do the deed he is tired and needs sleep. He allows me to blow him but if I attempt to use that erection he is suddenly limp. He is not ejaculating when he reaches orgasm by oral stimulation. He is moody and quiet unless other people are around and suddenly he gets off on trying to humiliate me in public. Is he going through a change? Or is he no longer into me?

hi confused4now
well it definitely sounds like something has changed. you are not confused about that. sometimes when spouses are having affairs they project the guilt on their SO and make it seem that they are the ones cheating. part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and wonder if he is fearful of what you are doing when he is gone and having feelings of inadequacy since you are managing life without him. either way, it sounds like a discussion is in order. are you two able to have that conversation without tossing a bunch of blame around?Using i statements to talk about your feelings is the safest way to do this. I feel confused when i see all these behavioral changes like a lack of phone contact, heavy drinking, and a reduced sex life because i question what has happened that has led to this change. what i would like is to discuss what is going on in our relationship. if you are not able to discuss these matters without conflict, seeking the assistance of a professional would be helpful.

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Hello and welcome to Psych Central confused4now!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

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I'm in 100% agreement with the advice kaliope just gave you. I'm sorry you're having these red flags go up after 17 years. I would not ignore them. Best wishes!!!

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

Yay! First non-liason to respond

Anyway, there is definitely something going on, but it may not be an affair. You've been together for 17 years so he might be starting to have hormone related problems that are upsetting him and creating performance anxiety and moodiness, might be stress from work from all the traveling, could be any number of things.

I agree that you guys need to have a conversation about what's going on and a couples counselor could help as well.

Hi Confused. Welcome.

Having an orgasm and not ejaculating? Either he's got a physical issue or he's got a very special skill. That's not really possible. he might want to get checked out by a doc. Maybe he's faking the orgasm for whatever reason.

In any case, one sure way to tell if someone is cheating is how protective they are of their phone. If he won't let you near it, that's not a good sign. And his paranoia that you are cheating (him checking your cell phone) is another common sign of infidelity. SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating can be very helpful in determining if he is indeed having an affair and helping you deal with it if he is.

Good luck!