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snowflake_48888
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Default May 03, 2007 at 11:02 PM
  #1
I have a 10 yr old grandson whose mother is white and his father is african american/oriental. He has the appearance of a lighter skin african american. I am his maternal grandmother so I have many questions about him. I was in a meeting with a social worker who evaluated my grandson for any mental issues. His anxiety score was 97% anxiety....EXTREMELY high. One of his issues was his skin color, his hair, his nose....all resemble his father. I was shocked because I never knew he had these issues. I talked to grandson a little about it and has said there isn't anyone that teases him but that he just doesn't like his looks. Is this normal for bi-racial children? He doesn't know his father...seen pictures though...so I was wondering if maybe he wanted to look more like us (white) to feel part of the family? Any suggestions would greatly be appreciated. Another issue is his hair...it is very stiff and coarse...he sometimes says it hurts...is there a creme or oil I should be using on him to soften it? His hair is kept quite short. Another issue is his skin seems so dry! Is there a special type of lotion I should use? Like I said...this is different for me so I haven't a clue what is best for him...
THank you for any info you can offer...
Snow

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Default May 04, 2007 at 01:02 AM
  #2
<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I understand how you are feeling for I too have bi-racial children in my immediately family (5)..... and one of the five children has some inner self issues - his mom is white and his father is black and this child (a boy) does see him self as yellow and some times says he wants a yellow mom and dad like he is.

He is slowly learning what bi-racial means (I take the time to listen and to explain) and he is seeing that all people are special and that it does not matter what is on the out side, but rather what is in side a person that counts (a kind & loving heart).... when and if the time comes that he must face some evil people that are in this world and they try to hurt him with their words over his skin color or looks - his FAMILY will be here for him as we are today and always will be.

My family is white and the fathers family is black and the best we all can do is to be a close family unit and to work together to love all five these loving and innocent children..... they need LOVE and want LOVE - and we are going to give it to them and as much as they are willing to take from us.

As far as the hair thing goes we use PINK LOTION (for black people) and we use Leave In Conditioner by Infusium.... alternating which one we use and we do not wash their hair every day for it only serves to dry it out.... every other day is fine for washing the hair.

Dove and a good body lotion seems to help with the dry skin.......

Please know that I am here if you ever need to talk to some one that knows & understands...... ((( hugs )))
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Default May 04, 2007 at 07:15 AM
  #3
Thank you so much Rhapsody! I will look for Pink Lotion next time I go to the big city. We live in rural area that only caters to white people needs. And for skin I will use lotions that I have here then. I appreciate your suggestions and if I have anymore issues...I will definately ask....THANK YOU ((((hugs)))

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Default May 04, 2007 at 08:09 AM
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(((snowy)))

with ur unconditional love he will continue to be able to express his feelings in a supported appropriate environment in an appropriate way
as u learn to use tools to help u relax u can do the same with him and his anxiety
some simple soft soothing music will help
if he has probs gettin to sleep my grandma use to play me tapes of rainforest sounds
u know those good old audios....

im here for u too snow i may not have kids but i can listen
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Default May 04, 2007 at 08:11 PM
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Oh bronee...I just love you so much! You are such a rock for me....a great support person....and a great friend...thank you thank you thank you
Love ya
Snowy

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Default May 05, 2007 at 12:17 AM
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if his hair hurts, its probably because its not be kept properly (meaning for his hair type). Treating african-american hair as if its caucausian causes dryness. Just wander down the aisle at walmart, walgreens or wherever where the african american hair products are. The mens hair products are fairly obvious and any might do (moisturizing sheen). Just a little should do. If he is a boy, keeping his hair cut low also cuts down on the curls. If his hair is cut short and his hair still hurts, its not cuz of being african-american. That is very abnormal and i would look into other problems. Namely, I think not having african american role models often causes mixed children to hate the parts that they dont see mirrored and accepted. His voicing that might be cuz of that. Lastly, I would try finding him african american role models (big brothers/big sisters) etc so he doesnt grow up not seeing someone with his characteristics. I think raising a mixed child shouldnt be a second thought, but planned for as it requires some effort to ensure the child grows up secure. Just my thoughts though.
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Default May 05, 2007 at 11:54 AM
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snowflake, I just found these hair care sites for parents who have adopted black children?

http://adoption.about.com/od/parenti...ckhaircare.htm

http://www.adoptn.org/hair.html

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Default May 05, 2007 at 12:54 PM
  #8
Thank you Esthervirtue for your thoughts. I understand your thought about planning before hand but of course this was not my choice but his parents. I live in predominately white area so for him to have other children around like him is null. I have thought about a mentor for him but without going to big city...1 1/2hr drive....I dont think its possible. I try and talk with him about his heritage and I think it helps but nothing will replace his father or his fathers side of family. As of now his paternal grandparents have seen him once when he was 6 months old and chooses not to be a part of his life. His father is in prison since my grandson has been 9months old and isn't scheduled to get out of prison until 2011. So he doesn't have the cultural side of his fathers. I think that is very important but at this point nothing can be done about that.
Once again thank you for your thoughts...they are very much appreciated.
Snow

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Default May 05, 2007 at 12:55 PM
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oh thank you so much Perna for the websites...I will definately check into them...
((((hugs))))
Snow

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Default May 05, 2007 at 09:22 PM
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(((((((((((snowy)))))))))))

love ya too lots and lots
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Default May 05, 2007 at 10:36 PM
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yt, snowflake.. Best of luck.. pm me if u have other questions.
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Default May 06, 2007 at 09:32 AM
  #12
I too have bi-racial grandchildren and others in my family that are from different cultures.May I suggest the first thing is teach him to love himself. Tell about his greatness. No one should be judged by the color of their skin. You stated that maybe he wants to white like us. He can't so give that up as a possibility. Get him a mentor of color. male of female. So he can be rich in heritage. My grand daughters are 11 and 10, my son is raising them alone he being of darker skil and the childrens mother is white. We teach them that they are beautifully different and unique. If you would like to discuss this more please PM me.
Altheia

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Default May 06, 2007 at 10:30 PM
  #13
Thank you Lilith. I certainly will ask questions as they arise. I appreciate your offer....
take care
Snow

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