I do not even know...

I am so confused. I do not even know if I love anything or anyone. I am afraid of my sexual orientation or what I even identify as. It is like I want to scream but the sound will not escape from my lips. I just want to curl up and rip my hair out. I have questioned myself in the past but I always try to avoid the answer in the end and I just run away. I do not even want to acknowledge myself or the answer. I am at a loss for words...

What about being attracted to a certain gender or genders scares you? Do you live in an area where certain sexualities are frowned upon? Is it that your afraid of not being accepted by friends and family? Or is being with another person just frightening to you for one reason or another?

To truly love another you must first love and accept yourself. Work on letting go of inhibitions and social stigmas. Just let yourself BE yourself, if that makes sense.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

I think that not only am I afraid of being with someone, I also do not know if I can ever accept it. My family and others in the area will most likely never accept...but that may not be the main reason (although it does play a part). I think I am afraid of my own judgement the most...I guess I do not want to be vulnerable or ask myself the questions that I am afraid to ask...I think the biggest challenge will be loving and accepting myself...but I feel like you are right...I will have to face it and accept and even love it...But I still feel really scared...

You don't have to be with anyone. Who says you have to be involved with another? Maybe walking the path of life with just a close group of friends is what suits you best.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

That is true but I feel like something still does not make sense...maybe I want to be alone because I cannot face something I do not even know or have control over?

Is this something you feel you can discuss with your therapist? If so I would go and do that at your next visit.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

I do not have one but I will probably talk to someone about it soon enough.

Forget talking to anyone about it. Oh well.

Cy, this is the second time that I have read your post. My heart goes out to you, I understand about having an inner struggle with your self on a sexual issue. I have several myself: 1 I am a bi-sexual male 2 I am into BDSM 3 I like the idea of wearing women's underwear 4 I love older women (no they aren't "cougars").
I have struggled with my sexuality all my life, I like guys just as much as I do women, but I have yet to explore that area of my life. My BDSM at least I have been able to bring aspects of it into many of my relationships, without having to say hey lets do this. The rest is just personal qualities that I am comfortable with and deal with; I don't even quantify any of my life as a fad or fetish. Yes I do have a couple of fetishes, but I like things that people say are taboo, but we won't go down that road.
I didn't want to answer this post because as a man, I wasn't sure if I could give good insight on what you are trying to convey in your post. I guess I am showing my inadequacy here. I hope in some way I may have given you some kind of nugget.
You are a special, unique person and no matter what you are you. Be comfortable with yourself. And if it makes you feel better let it go, scream, cry and wail; it may be the best thing you ever did. Peace.

Thank you. It is fine, I do not think you are inadequate. I really wish I could be comfortable with who I am but unfortunately I am not. I just feel like all of that has to do with my fears and a lot of other issues.

It was really brave of you to share your own struggles as well and how you feel. I do not seem to see any issues and I do not cast judgement at all. Just do what makes you happy. (I wish I could take my own advice). I think I am going to have to face that side of me although it does not want to be faced at all...but I guess it is in a series of processes and steps I will have to take at some point. I guess I am going to have to think about when...

I relate to this. I find what I am attracted to I am ashamed of not as in the sense of I don't like them nor do I find what other people opinions bother me. It's just it's fear that I may not like them as much afterwards. So instead. I avoid relationships period. I don't date people, I embrace friends with benefits if the person is my close friend I've known for a while and is comfortable doing that, but usually this never happens so I also just be comfortable doing what I think is that, but it's just me either being intimate but not dating with or/and without sexual contact.

I would sometimes rather be connected through someone through intimacy without sex before having it. I do this in a way because my sexual fetishes may not be similar to there's if I find myself at my next deal breaker whether this person is worth my time or will bring me grief because we aren't alike.

Also I'm afraid of being alone, but more being not alone and losing someone I care about the most if everything goes right.

I don't put an emphasis on the priority of sex, because it gives me anxiety if I worry about it as much I would for intimacy or seeing if the person cared about.

This is why I don't like opening up to people or feeling like I should open up about it almost shaming myself, because I'm trying to keep the judgmental people out who assume I am just the guy who just wants sex and won't be a "great father" "husband" etc.

In reality, it doesn't matter, I don't want marriage nor children. I stay protected for sex and I know what makes me happy shouldn't concern anyone else except the person is close with me.

so like you I feel always uncomfortable about my sexual fetishes and orientation. Yes I want to be bisexual, I truly believe I may be, yes I had sex before with a guy, I think I am open to it, but I would feel more comfortable with women in relationship than men, but if I did do something with guys. It be me and some guy in a relationship, we are into each other we like each other, but we aren't ready to date each other probably won't or will. It can go either way same with women. Mainly because I want both.

I don't like living in a society I have to choose and go 100% all or nothing. It's very frustrating when I'm not ready to do all this stressful **** with someone when all I want is some simple hang out going to a skate park, swimming at a lake, riding bikes together, going on a dinner date fancy or not, or going to clubs or bars, working out together etc.

Seriously if I am in a place where I don't have to hide the fact yes I am attracted to men and want to be casual with men and women for now until I am ready for a long term relationship that be perfect, because I feel it's necessary for me to be happy with relationships and ease into it comfortably.

It's just hard to express that when other people see that as morally wrong, because I gotta date someone to have sex and living in a closed minded area where people have to be glued and welded to their man/woman like sloth.

I think it's that is what makes me sick about relationships. People expect too much too early. I don't care who. I don't care what we do, as long you aren't crazy and won't hurt me plus something I am attracted to sure lets do something. I don't feel ready for any relationship. Like I shouldn't have to date someone to do stuff with them. Seriously. That's the logic I hate the most from people. Makes me shut everyone out.

Interesting post. However, when I initially posted it was more about my sexual orientation (in the context of what gender I am attracted to) then anything sexual...I actually personally do not think much of sexual topics and I am more concerned with knowing the overall person as much as I can (inside out, which I have never done yet). But if you are comfortable with your sexuality (and anyone else who is) that is totally fine. It is actually very bold to state that and very bold of you to post how you feel overall. I do kind of see where you are coming from. Hm...well I am not the best person with advice (since I have a lot to work on and I am a completely quiet hermit who really does not socialize very much and is very introverted...more like extremely introverted) but I think you should stick to what you believe in I guess. People will judge everyone on everything but it does not mean it should or will always affect everyone. Everyone has different viewpoints and philosophies and who really cares what people who do not agree with them think? If they try really hard to enforce their opinion that means they care way too much about things that are not even their own business. I cannot speak for the complexity of relationships or things to even do with them as I do not even have one nor did I ever have one in my entire life. As for shutting people out and how scary relationships can be, I see what you are saying. There is a lot of pressure these days (especially where I currently reside) to be in a relationship or to even get married, settle down and have children. Or to go through relationships all the time...which is one of the many reasons I shut out society and other people. I am tired of the expectations and I will just follow the ones I set for myself instead of falling into a trap or being a "sheep" and following the herd out of pressure.

(Not sure if I made sense but I did try)...

See I relate to you on that first part too in the way of my orientation too. I am bi, but not really into anyone. Like it's hard for me to like anyone I'm so picky and I'm ok with that. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I don't like at all.
The last part hit me exactly that is exactly me. I can't get married, I can't go out have kids and be tied down to someone I don't want to do that. I don't like it. I simply don't, it's just my preference becomes an objectification when I dated people, they expected me to want to have kids and all this ****. I'm not ready for and I don't care about, I was stupid to just say, "ok." and move on. Like now I'm, "hell naw." nothing convinces from most people to give a reason to like them that way. More the opposite it's not that I'm cynical I love my friends, even when their unpleasant and assholes, but relationships no it's either this way for certain things or no way.

I'm not moving, I can easily give someone up as quickly as they came in. It took me a long time to get the hang of that. I know what I won't be prepared for when everything goes right and my judgment goes blinded or sour and I may be the one who is at fault and I maybe the one who is scrutinized and I maybe the person who couldn't see past that something could go really wrong easily and I'm too oblivious to it, because the person is too awesome.

That is what scares me, especially over being single^^

It feels like I can't even tell anyone how I would feel if I liked them, because I don't like them. I realized my natural response is trained to say no, and so as a guy it looks like I'm shy or introverted, but I just don't like people. I'm going at being extroverted and introverted. I just need as much space as I do want closeness a balance. That's just not possible as of now.

I see. That sounds complex. Well, I still would not know anything about relationships but expectations can be quite vexing. I think a lot of fears can happen too that can make things even more complicated. I guess it is also hard to get a balance of being extroverted and introverted as you said, especially when you feel you need to shut others out. That is understandable because it is like a protective mechanism and taking caution. I shut out others often because I feel no one can understand a thing...but then again...I do not expect anyone to understand at all. I do not even know why I even post anymore to be honest...it is not like I even like opening up, even if it is just me typing words on a computer screen. I guess I made posts just to rant or for a small bit of hope that I was trained to have in school...but I am not seeing it anymore. I think I will just stop altogether. I just do not feel like it anymore. Who cares what I have to say? Who cares? And I do not even care anymore. I guess I typed this whole time to make up for the lack of emotion I have naturally. Thinking that it would make me feel something. But I do say, I think the words are holding a lot more then what is actually going on inside me. It is just blank...and I guess it always have been. I think finding answers to anything or figuring anything out at this point will definitely not be found by doing this. I just feel like an empty algorithm on a computer program plugging in sequences of letters and code to make sentences...nothing being felt anymore. Maybe I just tried to lie and "feel" to be normal. Well, I will not be doing that anymore. What do I have to even be considered "normal"? Nothing. Well, even if I do recover I do not think forcing myself to comply a certain way will help. Even this is not making any sense but well...this will be the last of my posts most likely.

Well I wish you the best of luck, but I do want to say. I'm some guy on the internet whether my opinion matters or not. You matter somewhere in your world in your head, you focus on you the way you do because you care about yourself because you matter.

Whether everyone's opinions coerce and force you to live a certain way and you know deep down you don't belong there. Do what I do, don't do it. I use it as an opportunity to troll and do the opposite as intended not be disrespectful manner, but lay down your line that this is mine and no one can own what is me.

I say this all the time all my life, because I was ostracized and that I do feel that being very lonely for not just being different, but being unloved for that manner because of being different.

It's just that like my therapist said, and I hated him so much, but he was right, and I do this in a way that suits me best as you might choose to do the same for yourself. Love yourself as your own best friend over anyone else.

Sadly when you do this, you become humbled how not alone you are, but then again like me I realize I'm alone, because all these sad, hurt people are everywhere, but they don't want to give to help others, because they do not have the courage or strength or knowledge how to give and love others. I'm not saying being a people pleaser at all, quite the opposite my words are a gift. The emotions are tied to real feelings interpreted into these words I type here.

I felt hurt and more on the outside, because I relate to the words you say, I want to say, before you delete your account and go on whatever you may choose in life that's best for you. Read my previous posts. Just read them which ever ones you like or that suit you the most, but afterwards you may private message me what you find that may help you.

Right now I'm in your shoes, and all I care about now is giving. Even though my best friend died one of my closest friends. It's brought to light how I just want to make others happy or help them the best I can.

Thank you. I hope this helps. I wish you the best.

That was a very moving post. I really thank you for writing this. It is really going to make me think for a while. Although I will definitely stop posting for a long time (and maybe not again, I am not sure) I will not delete my account just yet. People that have been giving and reaching out have stalled the need to delete it. I do not know if it is foolish to have a last strand of hope but I will see what happens.