Do you have to be thin to be a gay man?

It seems that no matter what, you have to be thin to get the attention of another gay man these days. I was hoping someone could shed some light on this for me. Just because I am a little overweight doesn't mean I am gross, or not into myself. Infact I think I am more aware of my body then someone who doesn't stuggle with my self image. It has gotten to the point of causing binging and vomitting. I just want someone to spend time with is that to much to ask. If anyone has something that might help. I am all ears!!

J

Welcome to PC...

You will find much support here, the people are wonderful.

I'm sorry that you are having a tough time and hurting right now.
Having an longterm ED myself, I worry when you say that you are binging and vomiting, For me, it has led to lots of health problems and in the end has led to more problems without solving anything.

People come in all sizes and shapes. Sometimes it just takes time to find the right person.

Most of my male friends are gay. What I've observed is that the emphasis on appearance is mostly a function of being young (20s, primarily). It gets less important as you get older and maybe get out of the bar scene, where it seems to be most prevalent.

How you feel about yourself might be contributing to this, too. If you feel bad about being a little overweight, it might be subtly coming across in your attitude and the way you approach people.

Please be careful how you try to lose weight. Good luck.

CB

My gay friends come in all shapes and sizes. No matter what the size, I see many who struggle to find the right person to be with. Matter of fact, my straight friends struggle with the same issues. I too have had an eating disorder for years…be careful with the vomiting and dieting. We do have an eating disorders forum if you feel like you need to seek a little support.

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I am sorry to see that this is a problem on both sides of the love / marriage / dating field.

May we as humans fully wake up one day and start to see people as people (who they truly are) and not just that of an object, for we as emotional beings go far more deeper than mere skin & body.

hey. yeah, i'd imagine that a lot of that is probably a function of the particular scene you are in. the nightclubbing / bar scene can be really very superficial and overly concerned about appearances for people of ALL sexual orientations.

are there other aspects to the scene in your area?

could it be... (i ask this very gently) that it is less about thinness and more about outgoingness and enthusiasm and stuff like that? i'm wondering whether this issue goes deeper than the weight but that the weight might be your symbol for those other deeper issues...

I think for every sexual orientation, we start to believe that we have to thin to be in. The thin, attractive people on tv shows are the successful ones, while usually the chubby ones are the comic relief....I've struggled with body image my entire life. Being a straight female, I've always seen men react to the skinny women with big breasts. I'm 28 now, and just starting to see that well yeah, men find it attractive, heck, I do too lol. But there's so much more to a person than the outside. I'm chubby, and my boyfriend is very thin, but he still asked me out and fell in love with me.

I think it took the right man and the right time...I'm not where near as self-concious about my body with him. I had an ex once who would make "oof" sounds when a hot girl came on tv.....and that killed my self-esteem. Its taken awhile to build it back up, but its getting there.

I don't think you have to be thin to fit into any sexual orientation. I think you just have to find the guys who are mature enough to look past looks and see inside at who you are.

I just have to say I understand....about the whole thin vs chubby thing and not feeling wanted.

it is interesting how fashions change, too.

think rennaisance paintings (sorry for the spelling).
full figured. that was the ideal of beauty.
not the teenage boy with implants idea of femininity that is projected on the screens now (***end rant***)

i never really thought that skinny guys were the ideal, however. i would have thought... the idea was to weight train to bulk up those muscles...

i dont really have a scene or a group, i hate my body and the way i look so i usually just stay in and play video games. I wish that i didnt feel the need for companionship. i wish everday to be better looking or happier. I know that just because I am gay does not mean its harder to find someone, but everyone seems to be fixcated on skinny young guys. when all I want is someone to want me.

you know what i'd do......i'd first just try to make friends with some gay guys........no agenda. let them know that. and i'd get a set of those barbells, inexpensive, and instead of playing video games, i'd play "get fit".....

if there is a church that is gay friendly, go to services or sunday school........(more open-mindedness)......and do you really, really want to go out with someone who has a prejudice that it seems half the people in this world have?

work on getting fit and you'll be surprised how attitude will change. you'll feel more positive and that attracts people..always.

my best gay friend told me to tell you this.........he was overweight a few years ago........

i'm sorry that you're hurting but take that hurt and turn it into action..........keep me updated......xoxoxo pat

thanks to everyone i am taking steps to attempt a change in my life i go to the gym 4 days a week but it does not make me feel better it just makes me feel worse about myself and what i am not. as far as going some place social im not sure i am ready to do that it

well, if the gym makes you feel worse.......is the video game playing working for you? do you eat extra or drink extra liquids when you play? do you ever walk for exercise?

you are the only one who can change yourself. good luck, pat

if i do eat extra while i am playing i throw it up right after. even if it is just some potato chips or anything, i drink alot of Wu Ti Oolong tea, drinking to much of it causes bowel problems so i only drink it when im not going anywhere. The thing about this is I have a public service related job and I feel fine at work but when i leave its different. I know i have to change things but its extremely hard.

have you thought about seeing a therapist?
it might help you to be able to talk to someone in a bit more depth about how you feel about yourself and relationships and stuff.

i have thought about it but i wont waste my money thats why i came here hopefully to get some advise from those that live the same problems

We can help with our own experiences, but beyond that, this site is in no way a replacement for medical help. Problems like bulemia (throwing up your food) is a serious medical condition that needs licensed professionals. We are merely a support board here. We can let you know you're not alone, but as for therapy and actually starting to recover from problems, none of us here are licensed to do that.

I do hope you'll consider professional help.....maybe there are some others with similar experiences who can share how professional help helped them?