why do people pretend porn isn't the problem?

That's why I said it can. Not that it always does.

I think we all understand your side of this argument.
From what Ive read, if two people r in a relationship & one watches porn & the other doesn't...& this leads the other person to watching more porn therein lies the problem.
Those 2 people need to have a serious, personal conversation about their own situation.

Got it.

That's my understanding on what the OP has been saying.

I hope you are able to work things out with your BF.

I can see why it bothers you and I am sorry for your bad past abuse. ^

It doesn't? Are you sure?

You're admitting that there are 2 activities, X and Y. Both cause problems. The problem with X is that it can and does cause death. In fact 37,000 people die in the U.S. every year because of X... The problem with Y is that it can potentially cause problems in some relationships.

Which should we give up? Admittedly giving up X will cause some inconveniences. But, is not being inconvenienced worth risking your life for? What about those other 36,999 lives?

What serious argument could anyone make for allowing X, but stopping Y?

If it's truly just problems you're concerned with, then isn't the problem of 37,000 actual deaths obviously more important than the risk of potential problems in some relationships?

Why do some people pretend like the actual deaths that do occur because we (do things that causes accidental deaths) isn't a problem?

(There are other activities that I could put in place of driving cars. Have you ever looked at the statistics for accidental deaths? Why not just stop doing all those things that lead to accidental deaths? Why are potential problems in some relationships more important than the actual deaths that do occur every year doing other activities? )

Hey, since this forum has blazed into the topic of porn thanks to the bravery and sacrifices of others, can I take this rare opportunity to address the elephant in the room?

What happened to all the pubic hair?

LOL I keep mine circa 1970s

I don't have any input because the OP is set in her mind that porn is the root of all evil, as much as she said "some" people do not get affected but what she means is 1% out of 99% of those who watch porn. So I'm not going to bother with trying to change her mind, but I will put in my perspective.

I am a 23 year old female and have been watching porn since I was 17. I remember being about 9 or 10 when I saw an ad for Britney Spears sex tapes and I clicked on it and it froze the computer with these images of porn plastered all over the screen. I was at my grandparents house and I had to explain to my grandfather that it was an accident, but he knew better and told me never to click on those types of images again. So when I started looking at porn on 17, I had never had sex before and I was curious as to what the different sex positions looked like. It was near impossible to find videos in the missionary position which was the one I wanted to see the most. I watched a lot of gay porn in my early years because the sex was so gentle and they models looked like they were loving towards each other. I then looked into all the categories, Wild and Crazy was a favorite of mine because, well, they did some wild and crazy things! I could not believe the things these girls were able to fit inside themselves! Of course, that was a fun section, not something I wanted to do myself. The things I have wanted to do myself was to give an amazing blowjob, and when I became sexually active I did try some of the techniques and positions the models used. I tried working with my hands, DT, and my personal favorite, the upside down BJ (teehee).

Personally, has porn affected me? Yes and no. It affected me because I wanted to recreate some of the things I watched, but nothing too crazy, unless you think hand techniques and DT is crazy to you. I watch what interests me the most, BJs, but at the same time I don't attempt everything I see because yes, a lot of things gross me out in porn, the noises particularly, the unnecessary dirty talk, and I am picky about the girls I watch. Personally, I like girls who are intelligent (is that such a thing on porn? Yes, I have specific criteria for that: passionate about what they do, have a unique intelligent personality, and can do their job very well with no direction). Anyways, I can say that over the years the type of porn I watch have become more and more intense. Not BDSM intense, although I do favor it, just not in porn. I don't think porn has affected me because my fantasies have never changed, it's all been the same since I began watching porn, and no I am not addicted. I'd say depending on how I feel maybe once a week or once a month. I'm not interested in sex anymore, but I do enjoy masturbating and I usually watch a short video before I masturbate and then fantasize about my own fantasies that has nothing to do with porn. I have never orgasmed, nor has porn affected my personal life. I've never been in a relationship, but I would not want to watch porn with my partner because it would be impossible to share the same tastes in porn and I think porn is for my own personal pleasure and something I watch privately. I really want to watch the Pirate of the Carribean porn, the most expensive porn ever made. It looks awesome and I would watch that with a partner.

You know how certain decades come back into fashion every so often. Well, apparently, the bush is coming back in style. I, for one, am relieved that I can finally give my razor a vacation.

Lefty
Maybe you can make this into a separate post?

I think it's a bit silly to suggest that porn doesn't have an influence on how we view genders, sex, etc. Of course it has an influence. The same way our friends, family, environment, what we watch on TV, etc, has an influence on how we think.

Also, I wonder what influence porn has on people who already have issues with impulsiveness, hypersexuality, OCD, and other mental health problems. It can't help, can it?

Violence is violence, it already has a definition. Just because you've been desensitized to it, that doesn't mean it isn't violence. But no, not all porn is violent.

But what about rape, or murder ...which is socially acceptable to watch on TV... doesn't that sound a little sick to you? Why is it OK to show rape or murder on TV, when it's something - I hope - we would agree is wrong in real life? What part of us is that trying to appeal to exactly? Do you not think that being exposed to that kind of thing influences your thinking?

Also, we can judge people, as we all do (including yourself). This idea that we shouldn't pass judgement on people is a bit childish to me. It's like someone saying "hey... I'm going to do whatever I want regardless of whether it's socially acceptable or not, and if you judge me then you're a bad person". Or... "Oh, I cheated on my boyfriend with 3 other guys, but don't judge me because I'm bipolar and I was manic at the time". That's not helpful at all. And this kind of thinking is why we now live in a society where many don't have morals, values, a sense of self. It's all about me, what I want and how I can get it. And I personally think that's just going to make people even more sick.

For me, it's a more of a personal thing. I monitor myself... I examine my conscience (it does have an issue). I ask myself about the pain that porn has caused (I think it has caused me personal pain). It's my issue, I own it.

Thank you for passing judgement on me sooo freely.

I am active in BDSM. My partner is a Sadist. I am a RACK player. My fetishes would absolutely disgust you. But their mine. Their accepted in my community & I'm sorry you feel that way.
I'm sorry I don't "fit in your description" of acceptable.
I LOVE IT!!

The way you choose to live your life is entirely up to you... it really doesn't concern me. I'm more interested in how these kinds of things might shape someone as a person, or what they might say about the person engaging in them. For example, why is it that you're into BDSM, but to others it's considered to be disgusting? And I don't think it's as simple as just a preference thing.

Anyway, it's nothing personal... I don't even know you to care that much about what you do.

You have made it personal by telling me that what I enjoy...is disgusting & not accepting.

Obviously you do not care to even view the other side or learn, search, ask questions, discover about something you don't understand. To me I see this philosophy as extremely narrow minded & sad.

I'm not asking you to accept anything. I'm asking you to learn & understand. To tolerate others. Dig deeper. That's all.
But I know for some, that's asking a lot.

Well, now you're being judgemental and implying:

1. I don't care
2. I am closed-minded
3. I am intolerant

I'm not going to get upset about it, because I know those things aren't true.

The reality is, I haven't said very much at all. And I don't believe I said anything against you personally as I've always spoken in general terms.

Like I said, I'm not interested in whether the act itself is good or bad ...whether it's BDSM or violent porn or whatever. That would be a pointless discussion. I'm interested in what influence that might have on a person, or why a person might be attracted to that.

When I first left home and was struggling to come to terms with sex and sexuality, I visited a few pornographic movie theaters and subscribed to Playboy magazine ... This went on for about 3 years.

But then I came across several news articles about how so many young runaways turn to prostitution and drugs and the adult entertainment industry because they'd grown up being physically, sexually and emotionally abused and thought that this was all they were good for.

Many had left the industry and gone through their healing and recovery processes and spoke about how they'd gone from one exploitation (leaving their abusive homes) only to be abused, preyed upon and exploited by others (those involved in trafficking, prostitution and the adult entertainment industry).

Needless to say, that was certainly a whole other kind of eye opener for me, and I decided that I didn't want to be one more person who'd derived pleasure out of another person's pain, suffering, exploitation and abuse, so I cancelled my subscription to Playboy and never set foot into another X-Rated theater again.

Since I don't know how to discern who is and who isn't a willing participant in this industry, and being a survivor of abuse myself, I simply cannot in good conscience watch something that very well may have someone being further exploited and abused by some trafficker, pimp, john, or polished professional that runs an adult entertainment industry or establishment.

That's all I have to say about that!

Hazn,
In your first post you stated "Violence is violence....& I'm desensitized to it."

This I have a problem with Bec I'm not sure of your definition of violence in relation to the OP.
Violence that results in a crime I understand. Very well. I am NOT desensitized to it.
If you are speaking of violence in porn I'm also confused.
When porn is viewed, as with many others, it's viewed in 2D. I am not standing there, nor do I know what happens before the camera turns on. Is this a prearranged scene? Are these people getting paid to "act." Are these professionals? Amateurs? A home made production? Is there a verbal or written agreement beforehand? I don't know. I also don't know what happens after the camera is turned off. I don't jump to conclusions.

As far as what is broadcast on network tv I would think that would be in the hands of the producers & marketers. What will the market accept? What will the market bear? Again I think that's in the hands of the executives knowing that people have the power to turn that subject off. Just like porn.

The analogy of "I cheated on my boyfriend with 3 guys & don't blame me Bec I was manic.." In my humble opinion is a blanket judgement. Childish? Maybe.
But I don't know the background of this person. I don't know the details, the why questions are not answered & I just don't have enough information to say...yup, you're wrong!
Yes, society would state that hearing this info would conclude that this is a bad person.

I don't like to make fast judgement calls, there's too much gray area.
I try hard now not to practice black & white thinking.

You say that the way I choose to live my life is up to me & yes that is true. But you also say that it doesn't concern you when actually...it does.
Because In the next breath you ask how this may shape a person or what it might say about the person engaging in them. Ummmm hello?
Do you honestly wanto know why I practice BDSM? I don't think so, Bec the next line you state I'm not allowed to say ..."it's a preference." That's too simple. But I guess you already knew that.
If you'd really like to know why I entered into the world of BDSM & made it my home, you or anyone can pm me & I'll answer your questions in great detail. BUT, my answers, I'm sure, are totally different from the next person you ask.

I think this is why I'm taking offense to this. You state in the next post you speak in generalizations. Yes, but porn is such a vast space to make generalizations about. There's so many different avenues & most here, are lumping porn into the "it's bad" category when what most are doing are clicking a button & viewing it.
I'm saying that there are people out there that have many many different tastes & fetishes. I do not understand them all, but I don't turn my nose up & say wow you're gross for liking that or that is disgusting! I'm trying to learn about the inner workings of a person & what has created this. What do most people generalize as their answer in porn being violent?
"Well they're doing this Bec of their abusive past or MH issues." Yes this may be this case for some, I agree, but I am guessing not for all.

In June 2012, the author P. D. James was making 1.34 million a wk in book sales. Some would call her trilogy soft, fluff erotica & it was somewhat trashed in the BDSM community Bec of its many inaccuracies. But there was a reason for these sales.
People are curious. Is it something the market could bare? Obviously. Was it considered violent??? There's that question again.
I guess that depends on the person reading it.
Everyone has a different perspective & I want them to have it. Not shame them for having it.

violence - behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.

Also, I didn't mean you personally as I can't possibly know what your sexual preferences are. That's my mistake for using "you're". Apologies for that.

OK you might not be engaging in it yourself, but do you think it will have an influence on you? Let me give you an example. Child pornography is illegal, and rightly so (I hope we can both agree on that). It's wrong. But what about watching Anime child pornography? Since it's not real, is that OK? And, more importantly, do you not think that watching such content is going to have an influence on your sexual preferences?

I'm not asking what the market thinks. I'm asking what you think.

I'm not making fast judgements, but sure I am making judgements. We make judgements every single day based on our interactions with people. You yourself have made some judgements about me. That's normal, I don't have a problem with that. I don't like it when people use the whole "don't judge me" line in order to make out that someone is a bad person. That statement is a judgement in itself. Anyway, I hope we can move past this whole judgement thing... it's really not what this thread is about and as far as I can tell, there's not as much judgement going on as you're suggesting. Did anyone say you're disgusting?

OP has concerns about pornography and the impact it has on people and their relationships... and as far as I can tell its a valid concern. But it seems like others here are trying to invalidate how she feels about it.

I wouldn't be OK with my partner watching pornography, but that's me. Is that right or wrong? No, but it's something many people would agree with me on. And of course, many would disagree. There are people on this forum who are OK with their partners sleeping with others and keeping things open... does that mean I have to be also? No.

The question I'm asking is, is the behavior helpful, is it healthy. We would all agree that having high self-esteem is healthy. We all would agree that having self-respect is healthy. Is having your partner call you dirty names in bed going to increase your self-esteem and self-respect, or decrease it? I'm not saying you do these things, it's just an example. What we watch influences who we become and how we think. As does how we behave. And I'm asking a question, what do YOU think?

Absolutely everyone has a different perspective, and OP has expressed hers... nothing wrong with that.

So you're asking if I'm viewing violent porn does in influence me? Honestly no. Arouse, yes. But that's me.

I understand you're connection between illegal child pornography & anime. Honestly I don't know that much about anime except when it first exploded in cartoons in America. I'd really have to research into that question & im not avoiding a question, but does a cartoon have an age? I've seen anime type porn of little red riding hood & the wolf....not sure of the age.
Can lines get blurred for some viewers? Absolutely.

Does watching porn influence my sexual preferences? Really I don't watch much porn lol, but I don't feel it has an influence. But my sexual preferences have evolved as I've gotten older & more tantric based influences. I'm saying that if I watch a lot of gay porn does that make me wanto experience gay sex, as far as the word preference. For me, no.

I understand the OP view. That if one person watches porn & it upsets the other partner it drives a wedge between them. The person watching might feel miss understood & goes back to watching porn. The other partner feels left out. The problem is not solved.
They need to have a serious discussion about their sex life & communicate with each other. For some that can be very difficult Bec just the subject of sex can be taboo. Asking for what you want & having a frank discussion can be....weird for some. So they land in a stalemate. They need to communicate more.

Does using dirty language during sex cause a lack of self esteem? Again, some will answer differently. What language is used between my partner & myself, if someone viewing didn't know us, would view it as gross or violent. But between my partner & I, I know & understand the message that is being conveyed, the power & beauty of it. But that's between us as partners.

Therein lies the problem with porn Bec what one sees is different from what another another sees.

I truly do understand the gravity of this discussion when it comes to porn & I'm glad people r voicing their opinions. I think it's very important & it hits very close to home knowing one of my kids (12yrs old) has viewed porn.