self esteem/promiscuity

I didn't know which forum to post this in, but I thought maybe the self esteem forum wouldn't like a sex post, so I decided here instead.

I read once that women with low self esteem are the ones who tend to sleep around and be promiscuous. I didn't really understand that, but now I do.

I've only been with one person physically, but I was also involved in a semi-relationship long distance, and both of these people expressed to me they had no interest in me in a romantic way, but they would/did have sex with me. I guess I was stupid to assume up front that the guy I had sex with liked me, but we were "involved" for several months, so I guess I just thought wrong. I finally got so fed up with being confused about what was going on that I told him I liked him, and he said he only liked me as a friend, and then after that we didn't really talk/see each other at all anymore. The other guy was, well online, and he DID actually like me/care about me a lot at one point, but now it's nothing, but we still talked as friends for a long time, and just recently I told him I still had feelings for him, and he told me he "couldn't" have feelings for me, but, to put it frankly, he said he'd still have sex with me if we could. I was incredibly hurt. The guy I did actually have sex with, well I was hurt since I don't just run around having sex with people, but I ddn't have an extensive past with him, and this online guy I have known for years and years, and I thought he at least cared about me as a friend, but also since he said that he'd still have sex with me but he didn't like me, we have barely talked at all, so I guess that friendship is over too.

I hope that wasn't too confusing or long. I guess the point is, I'm really messed up about sex now. I'm young (22) but I feel like I'll never meet anyone who will really want to be with me in a relationship and not just for sex, so now I've been feeling recently that I might as well just go have sex with whoever because no one will ever really care about/like me anyway. In my head I know it's wrong, but I also did feel a lot better about myself when I was in those two "relationships" (they were at different times) because I at least felt like someone wanted me, even if it was just for a little while. Yeah I'm sad about them now, but I don't know. I don't really know what I'm thinking. I don't necessarily want to go out and become promiscuous or anything, but finding a real relationship just feels impossible at this point, so I don't know what to do. I don't really know how to meet people, I guess. I'm incredibly shy, and I don't really like to go out to clubs or parties or anything.. I'm just really sad and lonely, and I guess I don't really know what it feels like to be cared for in a romantic relationship, all I know is what it feels like when someone wants to have sex with you.

I don't really know what the point in this is, and I'm sorry it's really long. Thanks for reading anyway, if you do.

Asylum...hun...
Your opening to this thread says it all..."self esteem/promiscuity"....I think I am the queen of low self-esteem and have entered into many relationships with the idea that I was loved only to discover it was all about the sex. I'm age 56, old enough to be your mother, and the things I'm saying to you are what I would say to my own daughter! You will gain nothing from engaging in sexual promiscuity. It only results in hurt...at least on your part! From personal experience, I made big mistakes thinking ...and even after long periods of non-sexual dating...that it was okay to become sexually involved, thinking it would evolve to love between both parties. It didn't! At other times, I just recklessly entered into the sexual arena way too soon, feeling immense attraction and thinking the other person did too! Very disastrous emotionally.
As my WV mountain grandpa used to say, "Don't cast your pearls before swine!" Contain yourself, and keep your dignity. It's not worth it to give yourself away!
love
Patty

Thank you Patty. I know that it's not the right path to take, but I sort of feel like I have no other path. I don't know who would ever love me. I know that's stupid because I have plenty of time, but no matter what anyone says, that's how I feel. Thank you for the advice, though.. I don't think I'd really go out and sleep with a ton of guys, but even that I'm entertaining the idea scares me a little.

Well, please stop thinking you have no other path! That is not true at all, and, my gosh!, you're so young! Would that i could be 22 and know what I know now about the dynamics of love and relationships. For now, just stop and arrive at a place of peace within yourself. No need to hurry out and meet anyone of the opposite sex. Are you in school? Working at a job?
Patty

I would agree with this. I to have very low self esteem but it wasnt until recently I realized that the two, sex and low self esteem were connected.
Snow

I'm in school, and I work over the summers. Work is actually where I met the first guy. At school even I don't really know how to meet people. My shyness is practically debilitating at times. I just get lonely for companionship when I see friends (already) getting married or engaged and in very serious relationships.. I just wish I could have that, but I don't know.

I don't think promiscuity and low self esteem are always connected. Women can be very sexually confident and enjoy sex with different partners. However, I think, the majority of the time, it is because of low self-esteem.

Still, it bothers me that society puts down promiscuous women, especially since they do so without treating men the same. I don't judge my friends based on if they have lots of sex with lots of people; I might express concern for them, but I won't avoid them or think they're a "skank" or a "ho." I just let them know, if they're ok, it's fine, and if they want someone to talk to, I'm here. As long as they're not sleeping with my guy, I'm ok with it.

There are good guys out there who don't treat women like crap. You just need to find one. It's not always easy, but it can happen.

I am 62, retired now, and a grandma. However, I spent my youth in the worst kind of pain resulting from low self-esteem and promiscuity. My heart goes out to all women who deal with this, whether it's in the past or happening now. My blog, Post-Promiscuous and Low Self-Esteem? It Gets Better, chronicles my story. I'm still in the middle of writing it, but the good news is that it really does get better. We heal. h t t p:// marie ann minton. blogspot. com/