Coping With "Virgin Anxiety"

Well, I'm a 21 year old lesbian, and I'm still a virgin. And since I'm not someone who believes in saving myself for "the right person," I'm really not proud of this fact. All my friends are having/have had sex, or else they do have a "saving myself" mentality, so I don't have anyone I can really relate to or commiserate with.

It's really hard because, well, not only am I very horny (to be frank) but I'm beginning to feel like some kind of freak because I've gotten to be this old and I'm still so inexperienced. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I'd had a girlfriend or two in the past. But having never had sex OR a romantic relationship of any kind... well, like I said, I feel like a freak. Some of my straight friends tell me that it's not my fault, because I was sexually confused all throughout high school and so technically I've only been "on the prowl" since I came out. But it's been three years since I've been trying to get with a girl, and that excuse just doesn't hold up anymore for me. When I try to justify being a continually-single virgin at 21, I just end up ripping my self-esteem to shreds. It's got to be 'cause I'm horrifically undesirable, unpleasant to be around, etc. etc.

And I've tried to ignore this anxiety, just push forward with dating despite my inexperience, only it's really damaging to my confidence. When I start to like a girl and develop a physical attraction to her, I become very intimidated by her and unable to say anything or make a move. Which is extremely frustrating, because I've got to start somewhere after all. I don't know what I'll do if I'm still a virgin when I graduate next spring.

Has anybody else been in my position? How did you cope with it? I hate being so hung up about this. I know I won't have to deal with the physical frustration too much longer, since I'm going back to college in a few weeks where I have free gym access, and a good work-out generally takes care of that. But the emotional, intellectual frustration -- those three words "I'm a virgin" that keep creeping up in my head -- never goes away for too long.

Well, I'm not a lesbian, but I didn't have my first date until age 22, and I didn't lose my virginity until the day before my 23rd birthday. Although most people have lost their virginity by this age, there are more than you probably think who wait even longer. It's not necessarily because they want to, but they do.

In my case, my OCD and panic disorder had a lot to do with it, but I was also fat before age 20, and I'm fat again (but have a boyfriend).

Don't beat yourself up...instead, try to figure out why it hasn't worked out. Why are you intimidated? Maybe you need to just try a few small moves, instead of big ones. Maybe hold a girl's hand, rub her back, work up to a kiss.

I hope you not only find a special someone soon, but that losing your virginity is a wonderful experience for you.

I was a virgin until I was 21. It just worked out that way. Maybe the anxiety will lessen when you find a girl you can be honest with and tell her you haven't done these things. If she's understanding and willing to be a teacher of sorts (which might actually excite her haha) then maybe you won't be so self conscious.

I would just be honest. The guy I lost my virginity to knew I was a virgin, and so was he. So there wasn't any of that "Oh man I don't know enough" stuff.

I think we blow things up in our minds to be worse than they are. I know whenever I was someone not experienced, it didn't bother me....because I got to show them what I like.

And btw, you're not OLD haha. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not having sex at 21.

I do hope you find someone soon. This might sound silly, but I was getting so sick of being single. I talked to a friend and she said to make an ideals list. Write down what I wanted in a partner for dating and another list for serious relationships. After I wrote all that out, I knew what I wanted. And a few months later, I started dating my bf. So maybe writing an ideals list worked, maybe it was just coincidence.

Anyway, I wish you luck finding someone. Keep us posted.

im sorry your feeling this way.

You really need to step back and think about this. Why does this make you so anxious? Is it because you do feel so inexperienced? Take a few deep breaths and realize that not having sex does not define who you are as a person...so why rush it? It sounds like you may feel alittle rushed because your friends are either doing it or have a reason not to do it and you feel insecure because you dont have either...why not just wait till it comes along? You dont have to wait for anyone special...but let it come naturally....if you try to rush it it will be quite obivious to the person you become intimate with...then they might feel uncomfortable...ok so you dont have experience...that doesnt make you a bad person....i think your a great person....and you have alot of potential...if you relax....and dont look for it...it will come naturally and a whole lot faster than you realize.....

hey there,
i totally could have written that when i was 20 and most of it is still true for me today. im no longer a virgin but thats because i freaked at being 20 and being a virgin and made a lot of dangerous and stupid decisions. i was lucky in the way things turned out but thats really not the way to go.
i have never had a real romantic relationship because i get exactly the same way as you do when i meet a girl im attracted to. ive managed to sleep with girls before because i dont feel so intimidated (to use your word) being with girls im actually not that attracted to and because i use alcohol a lot to get up the courage. i feel like a freak too for not being able to actually get into anything resembling an actual relationship though. the way i deal with it now (and im almost 27. ugh) is that i have made a decision for myself that im not looking for a relationship though i will be as open to one as i can if it comes along. instead of worrying about it and beating myself up over it and letting it destroy my self esteem even more ive decided that im taking this time single to work on myself, including to figure out why i get so intimidated and why the relationship thing hasnt happened for me yet.
my 'excuse' to friends and acquaintances who wonder why i havent ever been in a relationship is that im focusing on my career, i dont want to be tied down in a relationship because life is too short for that right now while im figuring out who i am and what i want in my life beyond relationships. im working with my T on getting to know myself better and healing some old stuff that i think will have the effect of making it easier for me to get into a relationship eventually. though of course that might go quicker if i could let my T know that.
anyway, did i get off track? i just wanted you to know first that i totally understand, second that losing your virginity is probably not the most important thing and that feeling so much pressure to lose it can lead to bad decisions which is a whole lot of bad news and third to give you an 'excuse' if you want one.
try looking at what exactly intimidates you. is it your lack of experience? in which case maybe try getting the relationship part down first so that you re with someone you trust enough to not hold your inexperience against you. or is it the relationship part of it thats intimidating? the intimacy? in which case just look at being single as where you need to be right now so you can figure that part out for yourself.
i really wish you the best of luck. your post touched me.
take care
biiv

i was 20 before i lost my virginity... and honeslty i wish i would of waited even longer then that now that i thik about it...... i didnt even date till i was 19... never had any interest in dating in high school .. so no dont feel as though ur a freak.... jsut like iny says dont rush it ..it will happen when the time is right...

I will be 31 this weekend.... and I am still looking. Though, it would probably help if I actually dated... hmmmm...

My job would not mix well with an intimate personal relationship, so those personal relationships have been put on hold for now. When people ask, I just point out how often I have to find someone to watch my dogs when I travel for work... and then say I don't expect a human to be as understanding.

Sure, I worry about what will happen when I finally find someone... will they think I am lying abou my "status" due to my age? But I am holding out hope that the person I find will be trustworthy enough and believe in me enough to take me seriously... otherwise I can't imagine my "status" will even come up in conversation between us.

V/R

Hunter

Does your "equipment" work? If it does, it will happen when it happens! What is your rush/shame? Anything "late" is a "developmental" issue and psychological and is like rushing getting over depression, anxiety, or any other psychological difficulty. You can't "have" experience until you do, can't "suddenly" know/have experienced what you haven't, it takes time. I didn't get married until I was 39 but I'm married and happy and that's all that counts now that I'm 56-11/12ths!

I'm a 20 yeasrs old heterosexual guy & i can relate to your problem, i haven't even kissed anyone, i'm very curious on how touching female body feels, it shames me to not know how a boob feels. This hurt me emotionally, and also it makes me feel like my sxual need is not being fullfiled. I have learned to be more clmed about this, yet each time i see a beautiful women, instead of enjoying how she looks i can only think on what im missing.

Well for advice:
-in my case it has helped me a lot to have a lesbian friend, because she comprehends my situation while at the same time fascilitating me to know how women feel and think. The same could work for you, before focusing in dating or having sex, focus in making female friends, specialy lesbians, and bond with them and talk of your problems.

-Also you could find a mature heterosexual guy, he will probably understand your problem and they are easier to find more than lesbian.

-be as open as you can with reavealing your orientation, that way, other lesbian could spot you and approach you

-Wwomen (lesbian/heterosexual/bisexual) most of the time are passive, don't be passive.Try to actively, explore, learn, practice how to approach women, and actively approach them, be the approacher not the one who waits,at the same time be laidback, never be desparate..

I know its strange that me( a virgin guy) is giving advice about this, the thing is that succes is not instantenous, i have been progressing but i haven't reached my objective, also there are thing i still have to learn, and my confidence needs improvement. Im very anxyous around women.

Improve yourself

I understand your anxiety, but there's truly no rush. You're still very young, and you have MORE than enough time to find someone for you. It's honestly far better to wait and have your first time be with someone special to you than to lose it and regret it.

Hun i just have one thing to say, relax and try not to let it get to you. It maybe an old saying but 'it'll happen when you least expect it' honestly it is true

I'm a 23 year old virgin heterosexual. I get hit on by girls but I guess I'm just not there....I can't pick up on social cues always.

BUT I often feel like the REAL reason is I'm too narcissistic, and now I read there's no cure for that

There may not be a cure but like my other half who suffers from borderline personality disorder perhaps it's a case of learning how to live, cope and interact with others despite having an illness. Amazon have some good books on personality disorders

hey, radioheadfan22. i am gay and was slow to come out. being lesbian/gay is more difficult in many ways. please do not be so hard on yourself. the age of 21 is still young. i don't think the problem is your virginity - it is just the symptom of your confusion and anxiety and being too hard on yourself. your anxiety is perfectly normal - everyone is nervous the first time they have sex! the important thing is meeting someone special who you have feelings for and want to get naked with. yes, it's a cause of anxiety but it's also a time of great excitement! and, i think you will enjoy it a lot!! so, please do not be so hard on yourself and, instead of focusing on the anxiety, put your focus on meeting someone special.

Don't let your sexual 'status' define you. You're not just a virgin who is not saving herself, there's so much more to you. If you keep adding weight to it, you will surely start to sink... Enjoy being who you are, don't put so much pressure on yourself. Life's tough enough as it is.

Here is a technical check. Do you know whether you have a hymen? Sometimes tampon use tells you the answer, but sometimes not. My long-term female partner was a virgin lesbian. We had some interesting struggles and pleasures because she had a very tight intact hymen. I agree with whoever said you ought to confide in lesbian friends. Find out how they all did this. It is true what everyone says about pleasure and you're not old, and love, and waiting isn't weird. But I do want to add that you might figure out whether you have a hymen and then figure out whether you want a woman to penetrate and tear your hymen. Some lesbians have a simple surgery to have their hymens removed so that they don't bleed and potentially be uncomfortable or scare their partner if and when the hymen tears. I am not trying to make you more nervous. I am affirming your concern from a medical standpoint. Good luck. shipping