I Think My Husband Might Be Gay

Many years ago my husband and I went through marriage counseling.We were seen together and we also each had weekly sessions by ourselves.

During one of my sessions the therapist told me my husband has 'homesexual tendencies'.I was very upset that she said that,and when I talked to my husband about it,he got upset too,denied ever talking about anything like that,said she was lying,etc.We stopped seeing the therapist after that,why would we want to continue with a professional that would lie like that?

Fast forward to now....

This is hard for me to admit,but I really do think he has more than just tendencies,I think he might be gay.No,I don't think he 'might' be,I think he is.And I know it's time to face that reality.I am not sure how though.

The signs are there,they always have been.I have been in denial about it all these years.I believe he is in denial too.

Where do I begin with this?

I feel heartbroken,but I know I must face this.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It's a lot to handle.

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[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

what are the signs?

As someone who was married to a gay man, I am really feeling your pain. Hopefully, I can give you some insight that can help you figure it all out. About 25 years ago, I dated this man for 2 years, without having sex, because he said he wanted to wait until we got married, but the night we got married, he said he felt too much anxiety because it had been so long. Anyway, he and his whole family were very religious. Baptist...if you were gay you were going to hell. He blamed me for all of our sexual problems, saying that my insecurities were giving him performance anxiety. I blamed myself, and felt very rejected.

Everything should have been so obvious to me, but when you are so needy that the thought of being without this person is just to much to handle, we overlook a lot. He contracted hepatitis, and he said he got it from some of the cleaning work he'd been doing, that there was blood on the floor. I had to get preventative shots.

I ended up leaving him, not because I caught on to him being gay, but because he had such a bad temper it scared me. he never acted like the kind of person we stereotype as being gay. I hope that doesn't offend anyone. He was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive- probably from all the hiding he was trying so hard to do. One time, I needed to just get away from him and take a drive, and he took the keys so I couldn't. So, one night, he pushed me in a fit of rage, and I hit him I think, and I thought "this is not love....We are already divorced," and I left the next day. It was more than a year later that I realized he was gay, and it hit me like a brick. Denial is a very powerful thing, and it's especially hard to accept the truth, when the other person won't be honest.

And it makes total sense that he would get angry at the mention of him possibly being gay. Maybe it would help to see if it's a really unhealthy relationship, it's easier to leave that way.

I'm a lesbian who divorced her husband back in 2003. It's not the sole reason, but it all came out a few years after the fact. I knew I was back when we were 1st married but didn't want to face things.

Now, years later, I'm single, gay, dating and happily divorced. My grown daughters are okay that mom's gay. It's just going to take time.

The denial will lessen and give way eventually. My thinking has always been that I was made/born this way and I'm not going to try and change myself.

Crisp, aside from your old T talking out of turn. What else makes you certain he is gay.
I don't know what "the signs of being gay" are. Could you expand on that a bit.

well, he might be. what signs have you been expeiriencing that may cause you to beleive that. My sister got married at 20, and five years later she divorced. She came home from work one day and found her husband on the couch with another man. She was sick over it. When they talked about it he had said that he always had felt an intrest in men. But his father was a hard, masculine, fireman who didn't like babies! He had a tough life living up to his fathers expectations. so he married to try to change the way he thought. men always are into women, Period!!! Needless to say my sister and he divorced many years ago but still are close friends. He may have been suppressing his feelings for a long time to live in the"normal world" Go gentle on him and approach him about it" Good luck, and I will be praying for you!!!

What ever happened to Patient/Dr confidentiality? What kind of therapists is that?

Maybe he is "just" bi, and not gay. There are many bi men and women, who are very happy and in a straight relationship. That being said, if you think he is, I think you should try and talk to him about it, in the most rational way that's possible for you. The more you push him, the more he will deny.

Crisp Apple? You still with us? Are you okay?

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

I have been back here but I haven't responded to this thread anymore,I guess hoping maybe things would change,hoping maybe it's just my imagination or something.Sorry about that.

I hate sharing such personal information but I guess I need to in order to get feedback.

I have always wondered in the back of my mind if he's gay,I have always just had this gut feeling about it.I don't know how to explain it really,sometimes it's just like you know or sense things.

Things had not been going well sexually so we started dirty talk and role playing.It started out fun but then it turned into him talking about other men,very graphic details of what he would like to do to them,what he would want them to do to him.I went along with it because it worked and he was able to perform.At first it was fun.

That has turned into his constant,usual way of dirty talk.It seems to be the only way he can perform at all now.I have asked him to not talk like that anymore because I was thinking that maybe he was just doing it thinking it was turning me on but he continues doing it.I don't even feel like he is having sex with me anymore,I feel like he's just using my body to satisfy himself as he talks and fantasizes.Many times he comes to me,already aroused,starts talking about men and then having sex with me.It's not as if things aren't going well,having a hard time becoming aroused and then starting the talk to get things going, he is obviously thinking about and fantasizing about it,getting aroused,then coming to me for sex.

What I don't get though is he has always been extremely homophobic,whenever there's been sexual scenes on tv he has turned his head,says it's disgusting,has always talked bad about gays,uses very derogatory words about them.He still does that even though in the bedroom he talks the way he does and gets off on it.

A couple of weeks ago we were in a store and as I was shopping,looking at clothes,I saw him talking with an obviously gay man,very flamboyant,the man followed him around,talking,and what seemed like flirting to me.The man was an employee but it wasn't just being nice to a customer,they both laughed and joked and it hurt to see my husband look so happy talking to him.The man told him to be sure to go back there to shop,even told him when a pair of boots came in he would hold them in the back room for him.

Afterwards I just said "that was odd,watching that guy flirt with you like that"He said it wasn't flirting.I asked if he knew him,that they acted like they knew each other and he said no he had never met him before.I mentioned that the guy was obviously gay and he just said no he wasn't.So I just kind of joked,telling him it must have felt good to get hit on,told him "see,I told you your new haircut looks good".

The next time he was aroused and wanted sex,of course it was talk about what he would do to that guy,what that guy would do to him,etc and he was very excited and aroused over it.

That was hard to write,hard to admit.So,that's just a good example of why I believe he is gay.That among other things.

After I realized she was telling me everything my hysband said and telling him everything I said,along with many other things,I reported her and didn't have to pay the huge bill we owed her.She was horrible.

Thanks for sharing all of that.I have been thinking since you first posted and realize I am a victim of gaslighting throughout our entire marriage.

I appreciate that was very hard for you to write, Thank you for clearing that up.
I think that regardless of your husbands sexuality, (of which I am still undecided, their are some people who get aroused by fantasizing about doing things that disgust and humiliate themselves. )
your relationship is very unhealthy and your very unhappy.
So I guess my question is why are you stAying?

It sounds very much some time away to clear your head and decide if this is a situation really salvageable.
Be kind to yourself and take care.

Maybe he's not even gay at all,maybe it's just something I have come up with for an excuse to leave him rather than admit the truth,that I am miserable in this marriage.

I know,people will think "well then leave", but it's more complicated than that,which I think I will start a thread in either survivors of abuse or relationships and talk about it.

I am a very fkd up person.

It's been a while, so I don't know if you will see my message or not (I just noticed that this thread had continued past where I'd read last).
You are not f...up. The situation you are in is very very confusing for anyone who cares about their relationship. I'd like to straight out tell you, yes, without a doubt he's gay, but you get different opinions and this only leads to more confusion for you. I guess the important thing to focus on would be the health of the relationship, although you might want to worry about protecting yourself too, I hate to say.

Be gentle with yourself. There's nothing easy about leaving a relationship, especially an abusive one. Usually when we accept abusive relationships, it's because of all the messages we were given growing up, and you can't just simply erase those things.

I hope you could relate to what I was saying, and that I wasn't just babbling about my past experience.