Disgusted at people showing affection and intimacy to me?

I'm a 18 year old female and I have a confusing and conflicting problem. I get repulsed at the idea of someone family close friends...even animals. I know crazy. anyone or anything really showing any type of affection and intimacy towards me. It rarely ever happens. I won't allow it. I've never been the type to hug or be physically affectionate. Most would say in my life I'm emotionless and show no love but j just dont like to be touched and just a awkward person in general well that's what Ive been saying but I feel like there's a deeper problem. No I've never been abused growing up by my parents I had a relatively good childhood my father was absent though. And Idk if this is of any importance Also to be clear I love sex. I would say I have a high sex drive. I crave it. So I'm not asexual or anything. Also to add I've never been in a Relationship ever and never really been intimate with anyone bc of that. I had a recent drunken event with another woman where we were sexually intimate and affection mostly initiated by her and afterwards I just felt disgusted and repulsed I wasn't really sexually attracted to her but I don't think I should go as far as feel disgusted? I've came to a conclusionthat i might get replused by it because of my severe self esteem issues and lack of confidence. Its basically non existent. So the idea of someone being intimate or wanting to be affectionate with me makes me repulsed and I feel like in a way repulsed with myself as if why would anyone want to. That's what I think it is. I'm not sure. Any thoughts and inputs would be appreciated. I don't want this to affect my future relationships

Hello evnoiia: I'm sorry I cannot really offer anything with regard to your concerns. This may be something you will need to explore, over a period of time, with the help of a mental health therapist. However I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hey there, sorry your feeling so confused.
Can I ask a question?
How do you know if you love sex if you haven't had it, I mean the idea of it and the actuality are two different things.
I only ask cos I am genuinely curious, I was similar to you for most of my teens, early 20's, hated being touched. Struggled to even cuddle my own daughter.
For me it was a control thing. But it sounds very different to your experience.
Whatever it is sounds significantly deep rooted, and is probably worth discussing with a professional.

I do hope someone here Can offer you some advice and help you find a way to enjoy people's expression of care and affection for you as a person.
Question?
Do you feel worthy?
Do you feel deserving of affection from others?
Do feel like they might want something from you you can't give?
Is your revulsion of them, so could you say, shake their hand without feeling repulsed at having touched them?
Or is it revulsion At them wanting to touch you?

Sorry to bombard you with questions, my curiosity rather overstepped polite societal norms. I apologize.

Anyhoo, here's hoping you can find some common ground amongst the folks here.
All the best and Take Care.

That is a great way to think about it no one deserves to be made the objection of someone's affection if they don't want to be. I think if you share the boundaries can be respected!

I am afraid this will effect your future relationships ... why would anything change ... humans need the touch of another ... I would seek out a professional .... a good therapist maybe ... you need to believe in yourself ... love yourself ... your very young ... now is the time to reach the bottom of what your feelings ... having someone to share your life with .... having a family of your own ... these require being close and open with another ... sharing ourselves with another ... this is natural ... and as it should be ... please seek out help ... at the very least you will understand yourself better ... best wishes .... Tigger.

Maybe you are Aromantic and still Sexual?

from Aromantic FAQ on AVEN
Romantic orientation and sexual orientation are separate. You do not have to be asexual to be aromantic - you could be sexual or demi or grey-a and still be aromantic. Aromantic bisexual, aromantic heterosexual, aromantic homosexual, aromantic pansexual etc. people all exist