Child abuse and effects on sexuality (TW)

Hello,

I suppose I'll write it in order, especially the things that have strongly affected me and made life difficult for me.

Having experienced sexual abuse by a woman at the age of 7, I assume I grew up with a sort of sexual phobia that I did not truly want to have. Especially in my teens, I ended up feeling horribly ashamed as being in a society and peer group full of macho, sex obsessed and pornography infested boys and men, for how I felt. The repeated exposure to pornography was triggering and created a completely unsustainable level of fear of anything sexual, despite my not wanting to be this way.

I am immensely triggered by "sexual" imagery, which I still feel ashamed for deep down inside. Any picture of even semi-nude or sexualised women would make my guts feel ill, heart race, and make my genitals feel very uncomfortable and raw, and generally induce a strong reaction of fear.

In my teens, the intense feelings of shame and unsafety due to my penis in particular made me want to have it amputated, and this is a problem I face still. It's really crippling for me, as I generally just need to think about sexualised imagery and all of a sudden my penis feels physically uncomfortable and I go into a mood of wanting it away.

For me, it's almost a curse - subconsciously for me it's a bit of a thing of flesh forced onto me that society tells me is for others, that me not wanting to use it with others is me failing as a human being. That me being scared of sexualised women, who, in general are the ones more likely to be abused and mistreated (physically, psychologically, societally), but for me it's a subconscious thing to feel fear - and feel completely exposed and vulnerable, in particular my penis.

However, last year, I got into a relationship with a woman (who also has a history with years of rape, sexual violence, coercion and violence) whom I've come to love very much. I had come to kow her online, and once we had gotten very close, I had told her that I could not have sex with her because it created fear in me.

We met in person, and I suppose I should mention that I was on different medication at this point (for PTSD). She talked to me in a way that made me feel incredibly safe around her, and I was comfortable with her touch, and even kissing etc., which is the kind of idea that would have made me panic.

The first day we met, however, she asked me gradually for increasingly physically more intimate contact (lying down next to me, hands up shirt, etc.), feeling safe with her, I felt OK with her requests to undress almost completely as well.

However this is when the first time my problems kicked in - she asked me if she could "please me" with her mouth, which gave me a sudden surge of panic, as I basically had flashbacks and I perhaps quite tensely said no, which made her call herself stupid and made her cry as well. I reassured her, and she seemed to feel better as well. Soon when she saw that I was physically aroused she asked me if it would be OK if she took me inside her, and I said OK and did not feel any particular fear for some reason.

It was a bit painful and oversensitive, but she seemed to emotionally feel connected and liked it very much, and she had a climax as well. But the problem was that after this she was horribly insecure, and still is about whether I really wanted or if she had basically raped me. She knew about my childhood experiences, which at one point led to her expressing very triggering insecurities like "I'm scared you felt like that inside her" and "I'm scared it felt the same for you."

I have reassured her and told her that I don't feel abused by her, but I still have the problem of not wanting sex of my own accord - in effect, I don't want and don't get excited by the idea in general. This has made it difficult for me to communicate in a comforting way, and my wife does enjoy and request sex often.

The problems are that since often I need to be physically helped to be aroused, she has also become insecure about herself, about the fact that I'm maybe not attracted to her. But I have insisted that I find her beautiful and there's nothing disgusting about her at all. I also don't feel any particular physical 'pleasure,' and she has wanted me to be able to do so. I eventually started to climax as well, but the sensation is limited to a feeling a blood pumping and my groin contracting a bit, which is visibly not much especially when compared to what my wife experiences, as she often seems lost in the sensations, often vocalising due to the strength of what she feels.

This is also a problem as she feels quite sad I cannot feel pleasure, leading to something emotionally very difficult for me - her asking to have oral sex with me. For me, this kind of act immediately reflects to unpleasant feelings and perhaps memories, and I feel horribly ashamed and disgusting. I said yes once when she insisted that she would really want to 'please me' and she asked me to ejaculate in her mouth. This, again, has made me feel very ashamed and disgusting, and I somehow feel I'm doing something quite degrading for her, despite her insistence of her enjoyment and longing for it. We were, however, disappointed again as it was the same kind of 'orgasm' as I normally have.

I suppose the last problem is the most emotionally difficult and something I can't really bear - it's that sometimes, when I look at her body, I feel I am looking at the same kind of sexualised women - and I understand that women's bodies are women's bodies, but due to dissociation, I'm generally not present and 'looking', really. I see her ultimately having a woman's body, similar to, for instance, the pictures in those French perfume advertisements that have generally not failed to trigger me, and I feel suddenly transported into a world of shame, guilt and fear.

I do not believe she is disgusting or gross, I believe she is beautiful, both inside and out, but she is also beautiful by society's standards, which unfortunately sometimes throws me into feeling very difficult and complicated. I feel very guilty and ashamed, and while it often helps for me to know this is the woman I love and care for, it still distresses me that sometimes I can have my trauma disconnect her physical body from who she is and internally flee. It has also led me to have problems with impotence, which made her feel insecure about herself as well.

These problems have been difficult for me to bear, and due to lack of availability of a therapist who could help, I've had to deal with them alone or with my wife, but they do not go away.

Any advice or insight would be greatly welcome.

Do you see a therapist? I think that a sex therapist could be immensely helpful to you.

Hi

I'm a man and have had a similar expereince of sexual abuse by women in childhood. It has casued sexual dysfunction in adulthood. I'm in a relationship too. We try to communicate with each other about all our problems. I have some fears like you and some are difficult to overcome. Please let her know it's not her but due to your past abuses that causes sexual dysfunction. You may need a couples therapist so help sort out your problems.

PH

I agree with the other posters, a sex therapist comes to mind as well. Hope you can find one available to you. You took the courage to come here and I commend you for being able to admit all of that to us. Being willing to seek help is always a good sign.

What you describe sounds like a very nice woman to me. I can perfectly understand your problems and feelings about it, but hey - you were able to do it after all.

I can't promise, but I would think that the bad feelings and emotions will wear off time after time. So, it's a struggle for both of you, but I believe the more often you do it, you will both become more secure and happy with it, like a classic exposure therapy.