Wondering

Growing up, I never questioned my sexuality or gender identity. Frankly, I didn't really care much. Of course, in the early and mid 90's, gender identity wasn't a popular topic. Or maybe it was, but it wasn't in my family or even my neighborhoods​ (I lived in many at different stages in my life). But, even as young as 5, I was always... unusual. I suppose it's normal for a young boy to dress up in girls' clothes, and maybe even to enjoy it. Honestly, there wasn't a sexual interest involved. Well, not until later when things got a bit more... complicated. But even then, it wasn't really about getting excited. I explored this as I aged and especially after I left home. A few years ago ago, I decided I was transgender. But, honestly, I'm not sure.

Most of the time, nowadays, I don't really think about it. I'll wear any clothing, even if it's obviously feminine. I enjoy wearing feminine clothing more than men's. And while I often wish I had been born female, I don't make any conscious effort to be feminine. I mean, I don't make a conscious effort to do much of anything. I find that I generally don't care about anything for long, and often forget things quickly.

I'm just not sure quite what to consider myself, or if it even matters. But, it's still sometimes awkward to think this way in such a unforgiving society. It does have an impact on my social life, which is pretty much my entire existence. I'm on disability, and don't really do much besides hang with friends and waste time on my phone. My friends understand and aren't bothered by it, but making new friends or dating is more difficult. And, while I've yet to get any comments or outright threats, I have been glared at viciously for wearing a skirt in public.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated, but mostly it's just nice to write it out.

I suppose I could have included this in my previous post, but this is a somewhat different matter. I find myself greatly attracted to women. As far as men, I can find certain parts of them sexually appealing, and would/have willing engaged in homosexual "activities." But, I don't like men. I don't want to talk to guys, or spend time with them, and certainly not get into an actual relationship with them.

It seems weird. Is it weird? It's probably weird.

"Any thoughts on this would be appreciated, but mostly it's just nice to write it out." .. I too write (post) because seeing it in print seems to make it real to me ... having uncertainity in our lives can be very unsettling ... we all seek to be accepted and understood ... please post more ... or private message if you like .... welcome to Psych Central my friend ... Tigger.

I'm having a similar problem only I've thought about my gender identity a lot and if I had to define it(which really, I prefer not to, because cisgender people don't actually have to explain themselves) it would be something like nonbinary.

Now, I was born female and I do identify to the gender somewhat but ever since I was a little kid, certainly by the time I was in kindergarten, I was just naturally into things deemed masculine, such as clothes, hair style, body language(I won't even mention hobbies because it's even sillier than the rest to assign a gender to them). My parents were fine with it(thinking it was a phase) and I dressed as I wanted.

I was always myself too, I dress exactly how I want and not, at almost 30, I can't "compromise" and conform, I never did growing up so I am totally lacking the means to bare the immense psychological discomfort that would come with dressing in anything from the women's department or having a more feminine haircut.

As a masculine presenting nonbinary woman, I've had a fair share of mockery directed at me, a severe lack of representation anywhere and, worst of all, I've never had a man interested in me. I crave love, intimacy, feeling desired and all that but I've never had even a date and the deprivation is emotionally taking a big toll. I'm not technically ugly either so it's definitely my presentation that's making me this way and that's very hurtful.

I think there's a lack of representation for people who are gender non-conforming/outside of the gender binary and their outward presentation happens to fit with the expectations for the gender not in their birth certificate, and who actually still sexually identify as straight. It's very depressing.

You see effeminate men or men just interested in more feminine clothes only portrayed as gay and masculine women always portrayed as lesbians. It's like you can't possibly have a gender identity or wish to express your gender differently than expected and still consider yourself straight Or, even worse, it's as if if one doesn't fit the expectations of the gender they still identify it(whether entirely or to some extent), a person of the opposite gender who is straight can't find them attractive.

For ex, like in my case, sexually I perceive and feel myself to be a woman(not in terms of relationship roles and stuff like that cause no, I want respect and equality), I need and want to be attractive and desirable to men who are interested in women and would like me sexually that way, I don't imagine and never imagined myself in a romantic, sexual relationship as a man.

So I don't think it's weird that you like to dress in feminine clothes but still have attraction for women in a straight man way. Oh, there is a good example for you though, you should check him out if you don't know him. It's the actor/comedian Eddie Izzard. He's super smart and talented and very appreciated in the UK and he's openly gender non-conforming and has been wearing both men's and women's clothes for like 20 years now. In fact, he dresses and styles himself in a feminine manner very often. And he's not gay, he's actually exclusively interested in women(if I remember correctly). You're not weird.