My memories from the past and how I struggle

I am a young man and still at a university.

I don't even really know how to say this type of things.

I was borne prematurely and had several endocrine problems.

I can barely remember being taken to lots of doctors at my earliest memories.

Hear goes, my penis is medically considered micro along with (I think) hypogonadism...my testicles did not descend and never grew much even though surgery put them in my scrotum.

Delayed puberty and needed some hormone injection to start puberty at 15.

I was brought up in a foster household both the man and his wife would rip off my shorts and literally spank the ***** out of me, anywhere, anytime, regardless if other family members were present, guests, or even strangers for a while.

Today I am a hetero-masculine man, feel very comfortable in my masculinity, my body is really athletic and lean but muscular because I started lifting weight to be better in sports at age 17.

I feel hypersexual most of the time.

I have been told I am gl by both girls and guys.
Complimented by many for my humor, wit, intelligence.

But ever time I want to become more than friends with a girl, or a girl wants to intimate .....all these memories blast my head, and I back away.

will this last forever? Or will I outgrow this... Too many questions...

IDK anymore

Hello LouisZM: I'm sorry you are having this difficulty. At the risk of writing the obvious... my thought would be that this is really something you need to delve into with the help of a mental health therapist... preferably one who has experience working with clients who have sexuality-related concerns.

You asked if the memories that blast into your head will last forever or if you'll outgrow them. I doubt anyone would actually know the answer to this for certain. You may grow out of this or it may continue to trouble you. It's possible that it could subside for a period of time... (especially if the right lady comes along)... only to reappear unexpectedly at some later time in your life. Things like this are so difficult to predict. This is why I personally would feel as though the best thing to do would be to talk all of this through at length, over a period of time, with a therapist.

The thing is that the anxiety you are experiencing over these intrusive thoughts, can itself negatively affect your ability to perform sexually. It can become kind-of a spiral. You develop anxiety over the intrusive thoughts you experience. And this anxiety causes the intrusive thoughts to come back stronger & more frequently which heightens your anxiety even more, & on it goes. So, at least from my non-professional perspective, I would say the best thing to do would be to deal with this problem now. Find a therapist with whom you can work through this. Do keep in mind though that not every therapist works well with every client. So it may take a few tries to find someone you feel comfortable with. I wish you well...

as Skeezyks said I advise you as least look into a professional opinion ... your school should have a referal system in place ... I also had a physical issue at a very early age that I still deal with ... I have a family and children but I feel my (sexual) satisfaction and my mental health in general would have had a better start with some professional guidence early on ... think of it as a check up ... well worth the effort whether there is anything wrong or not ... be well my friend ... Tigger.