Being sexually/romantically attractive as a gender nonconforming but straight person

I decided to open this thread here because it does relate to sexuality and gender, gender and sexuality. I hope this opens up a discussion and maybe even "introduces" me to other people who have similar experiences with their gender.

I wish to have a discussion about this, not just my particular situation but in general, about physical, sexual attraction and gender identity, performed gender and how much that matters.

So if anyone can relate to what I write in this post, if anyone wishes to talk about this, I'd be happy to have a growing conversation and meet other people interested in these things.

Ok, so, I've always been gender non-conforming and, for the sake of using an umbrella term that describes my experience of gender somewhat accurately, I consider myself a nonbinary woman. Just to make sure it's clear, I'm DFab(designated female at birth) and I partly identify with that and do not wish to change my body(although it would be nice if I could switch between bodies depending to the situation and my mood).

As a gender non-conforming/nobinary woman, my personal outward gender expression happens to fit the male stereotype. That is how I feel the need to express my masculine side and it's also just the style I always naturally liked. My mannerisms also happen to be on the masculine side. I was never "in the closet" with this, I never had to pretend as a child and then as a teen(despite bullying) and I was always just myself so psychologically, at almost 30 years of age, I couldn't "compromise" and dress or be more feminine than I am, even if I wanted to, I have no coping mechanisms for that.

Now, although I'm what looks like a masculine/butch woman, I'm not attracted to women and I always imagined myself experiencing romantic love and sexuality in my body, with someone who is attracted to women. Yes, of course, I want someone who could not only tolerate but like me with my masculinity as well but not as a trans man but as the nonbinary woman that I am. And I don't mean gender roles here, of course(as in social conventions and so on).

My problem is that it seems people like myself are treated as if we don't even exist. There's virtually no representation, no truly masculine presenting woman who is straight, let alone portrayed as desirable; I have had no examples anywhere. The situation is similar for gender non conforming men who are straight, of course, someone like Eddie Izzard for ex.

I've always felt desexualized and essentially dehumanized. I'm going to be 30 and I haven't been on one date, haven't had one kiss, haven't been on the receiving end of even the slightest positive attention, anything to suggest someone looked at me, met me and thought I was attractive.

It's not only making me extremely, painfully lonely and deprived of affection, intimacy(emotional and physical and the combination of those that happens during love making), touch, feeling desired and experiencing my sexuality in a shared way, but it's also making me feel somehow in the eyes of men(and society in general), I'm not a full human being.

Before you ask, I do actually accept myself, I always did, it never occurred to me that there is anything essentially wrong with me or that I am so ugly in terms of physical features. The problem is, I've had nothing to make me think society and men can have that same opinion of me. I don't see something essentially ugly when I look in the mirror, I'm an average looking person, but that doesn't mean I don't also feel men look at me and see something completely undesirable and unattractive because of my presentation. There's been tons of mockery addressed my way but zero flattery.

I've lost all hope in the past two years because although I lost weight and took up sports in the past 5 years, I've had no improvement other than not being called fat anymore. I'm on OkCupid, I've attended speed dating events and never had any success, not even just simply talking to someone, minimal interest, whether it went somewhere or not.

Is it really impossible for a straight(or anything other than gay)man to feel physical attraction, find a woman attractive who is not feminine in the conventional way? Can people like myself not be sexy and desirable and lovable too?

I guess I will also say this, because I can't express it otherwise: I'm a masculine woman, I dress strictly in clothes from the men's department and my hair is short and I'm not dainty, but I do have a sexuality, I'm attracted to men and I desire, I have needs, I'm passionate, I wish to enjoy my body and another person's body in a sexual, romantic, passionate, loving way. It feels like no one's ever been able to see that in me before and I certainly feel in a way I haven't been given permission to express it because if you're so unattractive, so undesirable, no one wants to share that with you. But I don't want to grow old without this experience, without meaningful connection, without making love and kissing someone I have growing feelings for and desire, I don't want to grow old or die without sharing that with another person, without feeling intimacy and love and living my sexuality.

Oh and I can share pictures of myself to get an idea ,but privately.

I wonder if people assume that you are a lesbian. How often do women express an attraction to you?

Hi! Thank you for reading and commenting!
I don't know if people assume I'm a lesbian, I gave that some thought too but I haven't had any women express any attraction and never had anyone question my sexuality openly so no idea.
But even so, straight men have no problem finding known lesbians attractive, as long as they're not butch.
Also, people who know me just a little bit will know I'm not a lesbian because I'm open about finding men attractive. It's also true I no don't get to meet people much, I'm fairly isolated without a job and a friends circle.

What really made me feel it's more than people just assuming I'm a lesbian, is that I had zero success at speed dating and online dating, where it's obvious I'm interested in men.

I don't know, I feel so dehumanized and desexualized, on top of being deprived of human need for touch, affection, intimacy, belonging and sexual expression. It's also impossible for me to keep imagining or hoping that who I am, how I am, can actually be to men's liking, not all men of course but a sufficient and varied enough percentage that I actually have a real chance, like most people do. It's like...I'm good and alright but not for this world.

I would really like to meet other nonbinary, non-conforming people, of any orientation but particularly those who feel attracted to the gender society wouldn't expect them to be attracted to(whether that means identifying as straight or bi or pan or any type of queer that includes that gender). Here in Romania it's very hard to meet such people because there's very few if any organized groups or associations and it's not that tolerant of a society anyway.

And I'd also like to hear from straight men of course, if for them lack of performed femininity in the stereotypical sense is a complete turn off regardless of everything else.

Would you be willing to share something of what people say about you?

What if it were?

I guess what I am wondering about is this: you have tried to attract men without, I gather, modifying your presentation in any way. You have tried hard at this, but it doesn't seem to be working. So that seems to mean that there is a conflict between your (valid) desire to express yourself authentically and your (valid) desire to have an intimate relationship. Both desires are completely valid, but if they do in fact conflict, what (if anything) would you be willing to do resolve the conflict?

Well, I used to have random boys or groups of boys walk next to me on the street mocking how I looked, mock asking me if I was a boy or a girl despite clearly knowing I was a girl. I have had a couple make fun of me and make bets about my gender on the subway, stuff like that.

If I am completely undesirable and unlovable as I am then honestly the solution is not to be alive anymore because I cannot and will not live a life completely devoid of love and intimacy and a life of constant desexualization and dehumanization, in a world that has no place for me.

If my gender identity is not good enough, if it makes me this sexual, romantic nullity then there's no point because it's not just a style, it's not a choice and I never hid it so at 30 I am not able to even cope with wearing clothes that cause me dysphoria, that don't represent me. I would if I could.

At the same time, since my presentation has to do with my identity, I could never feel loved or desired for pretending to be something I am not. How could I feel safe, intimate and truly connected to someone if I felt he only likes a fake version of me, that he only likes me because I hide a large part of my identity?

I guess it really seems I can't ever be desired, that who I am and how I look can't be loved in an intimate,romantic way and so my body will never know a loving, passionate touch. That is no way to live and it hurts even more knowing my naked body isn't in fact in any way different from that of what society deems womanly but just because I don't act or dress a certain way I am no good.

I don't want to die like this, without these human experiences, I don't want a life devoid of all of this and I can't find positivity anywhere. It's painful and humiliating and dehumanizing. Is it really that impossible to see beyond clothes? It's not like I walk around dressed in a suit and tie, I just don't buy my tshirts and sweaters and jeans tailored for women