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zone17
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Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: uk
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Default Apr 10, 2017 at 01:26 PM
  #1
Hey Everyone,
I want to start by saying that this is quite a lengthy post as it's a problem I've dealt with for almost half a year so please bare with me.

I know I am a heterosexual woman who has never been attracted to the same gender in real life, ever. However, I am truly confused as to what my behaviours mean and would really appreciate any feedback. I am really on edge right now, not due to bisexual/gay issues but truly because Im tired of the barrage of doubts and thoughts I am currently living through and have been living through for almost half a year now. All my potential is being robbed from me due to my mind and this post is an attempt to reach out and save myself from a very dark downward spiral I am currently experiencing.

I want to be clear that I have nothing but a peaceful, non judgemental and accepting attitude to any one from the LGBTQ community so my issues are not about shame/denial or worse homophobia. If I was truly dealing the with same gender attraction in my real life, I would have absolutely no problems being frank about it as I am about my issues here. I know who I am and my orientation so the issue is more to do with confusing behaviours that you know don’t match who you are and why this happens, it’s also to do with extreme anxiety and the stress caused by it.

Question: Can masturbation lead to a habit if done once? What can explain the impulse to masturbate to the same sexual fantasy the second time if Im not interested in women in real life? Is what you fantasise about evidence of your orientation?

Important information:
•Used to watch lesbian porn (a lot of reasons why-straight porn looks painful). I quit because I never really examined why I did this and once I did (I had an aha, I’m looking at women, what am I doing, type of moment) and it became unappealing. I have zero desire to go back watching it.
•I spent a few months worrying over my orientation once I had the aha moment and because of this sexual images and thoughts of women would become more frequent (as I kept over analyzing my orientation), I masturbated and orgasmd for the first time having a sexual fantasy of a woman. I enjoyed it at the time but was able to separate the fantasy from who I am (in my fantasy, I’m not really me so it’s easier to do things I wouldn’t think of doing if im someone else), I then masturbated a second time with the same fantasy and this is where my anxiety and depression has got worse. After I masturbated the first time I made a commitment not to go back to such fantasies but on a particularly low mood type of day where I turned to food to cope with my emotions, I felt a trigger to masturbate to the same fantasy again (second time) and this is where I got confused about my orientation.

Background information:
•I am a woman who is a virgin
•I used to watch lesbian porn (interesting to note that this was almost always when I was feeling down, never had an urge to watch it when I was not in low moods).
•I have no issues of shame/guilt towards LGBTQ and fully accepting of the community
•I have never had a crush/felt any attraction to women in real life. Quite the opposite, I couldn’t ever imagine myself with one (with all due respect)
•I have a history of anxiety issues-never got it addressed.
•I have a long history of living in another world-fantasy. I talk and walk around my room as someone else sometimes (I know it sounds crazy) but it was a copying strategy I’ve had since I was young (probably lack of emotional development and access to discuss my problems as a teen).
•When I am centered and in closer range to feeling peaceful and focus on living in the real world, I feel no desire or arousal over lesbian porn, nude pictures of women and have no desire to masturbate.
•This anxiety all erupted once I started to go on a self awareness journey and for the first time evaluated behaviours I was engaged in for a long time that contradicted who I really was.
•I know masturbation is fine and I don’t have feelings of shame: but id rather access it from a place of peace and not in the context of overanalysing things and worrying which is why when I am living in a better emotional state I seriously (hard to believe for some) have zero desire to masturbate and wont be doing so again.

Any feedback would really go a long way in helping me finally move on and put this behind me. I think the constant internal dialogue and not having enough information/ objective feedback has really made me feel worse but glad I found forums like these. Thank you!
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wiretwister
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Default Apr 10, 2017 at 05:54 PM
  #2
•I know masturbation is fine and I don’t have feelings of shame: but id rather access it from a place of peace and not in the context of overanalysing things and worrying which is why when I am living in a better emotional state I seriously (hard to believe for some) have zero desire to masturbate and wont be doing so again.

*************************** **********************************

you sound very young ? ... you sound very confused about your sexuality ... you sound very tormented over masturbation ... fantasy is just that ... fantasy ... it is used to allow your inner self to explore in a safe way ... masturbation is a natural action just like any other ... "overanalysing", is usually a telltale sign of deep religious convictions ... which may not even be in your awareness ... many people go thru a phase like this ... IMO it all boils down to what you really want for your life ... I assume you are an adult so the decision of how you live your life is truley your decision ... the tough part for some is trying to figure out what they really want ... some of us have always done what another told us we should ... but being an adult is making those decisions for ourselves ... only you can tell you what that should be .... please keep posting as you work this out for yourself ... I believe there are people here that can help you ...

ps: I am old ... and have old timey opinions ... take it with a grain of salt ... Love . Tigger ..

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zone17
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Default Apr 11, 2017 at 10:50 AM
  #3
I appreciate tking the time to reply but I am really exhausted in dealing with assumptions about my reasons for anxiety whether its to do with masturbating or same gender fantasies-no its not due to religious views (at this point I could shout this out from a rooftop and people will still want to believe what they want believe). I am a grown adult and as expressed quite thoroughly, I have battled anxiety for a very long time, it has nothing to do with this just one issue, I overanalyse EVERYTHING in my life so is that also evidence of shame caused by religion? No, It isn’t! I am trying to understand the science behind masturbation, not debating whether its morally wrong or not (I could frankly care less) and yes I am accessing masturbation in a very problematic way because I did it when I was in a very depressed state and as someone who is battling addictions I can’t afford to include another escape method to my problem. I am fighting for my life and so whilst I super appreciate your feedback, I just needed some insight into my actual question not another person self diagnosing me and analysing my mental state, a mental state that I already know is pretty messed up!

Forgive me if I come off as rude, I’m just really stressed out as I am finding too many people in platforms spending time analysing why I care so much, as opposed to any information about my actual question and its emotionally exhausting. I also don’t have money to pay for therapy and government services are crap so stuck at the moment until I can actually find information as to my question.

Peace.



*************************** **********************************

you sound very young ? ... you sound very confused about your sexuality ... you sound very tormented over masturbation ... fantasy is just that ... fantasy ... it is used to allow your inner self to explore in a safe way ... masturbation is a natural action just like any other ... "overanalysing", is usually a telltale sign of deep religious convictions ... which may not even be in your awareness ... many people go thru a phase like this ... IMO it all boils down to what you really want for your life ... I assume you are an adult so the decision of how you live your life is truley your decision ... the tough part for some is trying to figure out what they really want ... some of us have always done what another told us we should ... but being an adult is making those decisions for ourselves ... only you can tell you what that should be .... please keep posting as you work this out for yourself ... I believe there are people here that can help you ...

ps: I am old ... and have old timey opinions ... take it with a grain of salt ... Love . Tigger ..[/QUOTE]
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wiretwister
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Default Apr 11, 2017 at 10:30 PM
  #4
ok ... sorry did not mean to get off the wrong foot ... so am I to understand that the issue is that you feel the masturbation is (an addiction for you ... or at least a unacceptable coping method) ... maybe something you do not want to become an addiction ... or are you more concerened with the (fantasy) used to provoke the masturbation ... or maybe the chemical changes released and there mental effect ... sex addition could become an issue (a crutch) ... masturbation I guess would fall under that as well ...

have you ever had any insight into why or when this "overanalysing" began ... that must be a real burden to have to carry ...

hopefully I am a little closer this time ... and maybe someone a whole lot wiser than me will respond with helpful info ... but I am here if you want to talk futher ... or pm if you like ...

ps: I though I had read your post carefully but I guess I did not ... I suppose I just assumed too much ... I really am sorry to have added to your stress ... I deal with stress myself and would never willing do that to another ... and no I do not think you are rude ... but it is plain you are under a lot of stress .... wishing you peace also ... Tigger.

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Last edited by wiretwister; Apr 11, 2017 at 10:55 PM.. Reason: added
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Shoe
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Default Apr 12, 2017 at 09:49 AM
  #5
Hey Zone17, I see that you are from the UK. I read once that doctors over there are more likely to suggest self help books before prescribing antidepressants. I am rereading this book right now that just addressed some of your concerns about addictions. Actually, I just finished the chapter on working with worry and anxiety. The book is The Mindfulness Solution by Ronald D. Siegel. I highly recommend it.
We all suffer from the thinking disease as he explains.
I have done a lot of other reading in different psychological schools or theories. I went through a lot of psychological suffering and battles with addictions when I was younger.
I believe that I understand what the root cause of it was now ( bisexual conflict or confusion ) My ego could not handle such thoughts which is sometimes referred to as being ego-dystonic. This one psychiatrist once stated that our sexual identity guarantees our psychic unity.
This is about all I have time to type this morning. Hang in there.
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zone17
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Default Apr 13, 2017 at 02:47 PM
  #6
Hey Wiretwister,

Thank you for your reply and no need to be sorry at all. If anything I'm sorry if my reply came across as a rant, I really mean well, it's just anxiety can really make you feel like your losing your mind literally.

I have reached out to others experiencing anxiety and was able to link the root of my problems (through introspection) to my very long history with perfectionist thinking (the need to understand my behavior links back to a long history of always having answers to everything in life which connects to why it then leads to anxiety) and not actual confusion over my orientation. I usually get over whatever anxiety by doing research and this helps calm me down as I then combat an irrational thoughts with knowledge. I'm still battling a few things (combating through research) and this journey has been very painful but I'm starting to see the light and that's super positive.

Thank you again for responding and offering your support. Wishing you much peace.

--------------
Quote:
Originally Posted by wiretwister View Post
ok ... sorry did not mean to get off the wrong foot ... so am I to understand that the issue is that you feel the masturbation is (an addiction for you ... or at least a unacceptable coping method) ... maybe something you do not want to become an addiction ... or are you more concerened with the (fantasy) used to provoke the masturbation ... or maybe the chemical changes released and there mental effect ... sex addition could become an issue (a crutch) ... masturbation I guess would fall under that as well ...

have you ever had any insight into why or when this "overanalysing" began ... that must be a real burden to have to carry ...

hopefully I am a little closer this time ... and maybe someone a whole lot wiser than me will respond with helpful info ... but I am here if you want to talk futher ... or pm if you like ...

ps: I though I had read your post carefully but I guess I did not ... I suppose I just assumed too much ... I really am sorry to have added to your stress ... I deal with stress myself and would never willing do that to another ... and no I do not think you are rude ... but it is plain you are under a lot of stress .... wishing you peace also ... Tigger.
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zone17
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Default Apr 13, 2017 at 02:49 PM
  #7
Thank Shoe for taking your time to reach out and will look into the recommendations, peace.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Shoe View Post
Hey Zone17, I see that you are from the UK. I read once that doctors over there are more likely to suggest self help books before prescribing antidepressants. I am rereading this book right now that just addressed some of your concerns about addictions. Actually, I just finished the chapter on working with worry and anxiety. The book is The Mindfulness Solution by Ronald D. Siegel. I highly recommend it.
We all suffer from the thinking disease as he explains.
I have done a lot of other reading in different psychological schools or theories. I went through a lot of psychological suffering and battles with addictions when I was younger.
I believe that I understand what the root cause of it was now ( bisexual conflict or confusion ) My ego could not handle such thoughts which is sometimes referred to as being ego-dystonic. This one psychiatrist once stated that our sexual identity guarantees our psychic unity.
This is about all I have time to type this morning. Hang in there.
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