Dealing with parents negativity with my sexuiality

Hi everyone,

I am a 34 year old female who for the past 12 years was married to a man and have two children.

About 18 months ago I came out to everyone and my husband and I have separated (for a lot of reasons other than my sexuality although that was big too). My parents are somewhat homophobic and just cant accept the fact that their daughter is a lesbian and wants to be with women. The thing is I now have a female partner whom I have been with for 7 months and my parents are prejudice against her because she is female and has tattoos!! Despite the fact that I am so happy with her and she is smart and a lovely person and makes a lot of effort with my kids, they just cant move past their issues.

They have created so much negativity these past 18 months.

They just cant accept the fact that my relationship ios over. They love my ex-husband and he is a great guy in so many ways, but we were just both so unhappy for so long. Ive always known that I was attracted to women and now I am being myself. Whats made it worse is that I have changed my appearance somewhat with a hair cut and I constantly hear about how much it doesn't suit me and how I'm not the daughter they knew before, etc....

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I just don't know how to handle it well. I try not to let it get to me, but it does.

I have no real advice for you except to say parents can drive you crazy if you let them ... some can not just let go but seek to live their life thru you ... just keep loving them but live your own life ... hopefully it will get better with time ... part of being an adult is making your own path in this world ... not the path others chose for you ... good luck ... Love . Tigger.

Thanks Wiretwister.

It's so disappointing that they are the only ones who are negative. I find that I just don't know how to respond to them when they say hurtful comments. I get so frustrated and stressed over it.

Did your parents have any clue about your sexuality?
If not, 18 months is not a heck of a lot of time for them to change. They might be shocked, disappointed etc & I think you need to give them some time to come around....hopefully.
Stay positive. You changed to be happy & that's the most important thing to think about.
Maybe they will start to see how truly happy you are, in time.

Hi Patagonia,

No, they had no idea. THey thought I was happily married, and I had only ever dated men in the past.

You are right. It's not a lot of time. And I'm hoping that with time they will accept that this is my life.

only the ones we care deeply for can hurt us so deeply ... it is never going to be easy dealing with their rejection ... but remember I am sure they love you ... if they didn't ... they would not be upset or care ... and I know you love them ... or it would not hurt you so much ... at this point they are still "reacting" to the ... shock ... as time goes on the emotions will die down ... will they ever accept you ... as you are ... IDK ... but I do know ... if you want to keep the relationship open ... keep loving them ... "turn the other cheek" ... so to say ... give them time ... and do nothing to shut the door from your side ...

The specific issue of homophobia is, I think, a stronger, more intense version of the general problem of nonacceptance by one's parents. Yes, I have experienced that, mainly from my (late) mother. She was difficult enough to deal with, but if I had ever come home with a guy (with tattoos! ), and changed my appearance, there would have been hell to pay.

What I tried to do was be patient in explaining many times why I was not doing things the way that she thought that I should have. This led to many painful discussions. Looking back, though, I think that I would have done better to simply say that it is unfortunate that she cannot accept what I am doing, but I am what I am and I am not going to discuss it over and over. After that I think I should have just said "Mom, we are not going there, remember?" or something like that. If they actually got hurtful or repeatedly said that they were disappointed in me, I was not the son they knew, etc., I should have limited contact with them and told them why.

Sometimes it helps me to remember that they were a product of their upbringing and of the culture at the time of their childhood. In some ways they could not help the way that they were, and sometimes that makes it easier to look past what they said, and to forgive.

Hey Catgirl26.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I'm a 59 y/o lesbian who came out at 45 or so. My mom's not real accepting. I finally told her last month that she is always asking my sister about her boyfriend. My sister is divorced and now dating a rich guy, rich being the operative word..

I know that I will find a great girl in time. I've dated the last 6 months after taking a break for a god many years while my kids were younger. My kids are now grown 22 y/o twin girls. They don't mind that they have a gay mom. They care if I am content.

Stick to your guns and do what makes you happy! It's a tough road but if you and your kids are okay and thriving, then that's more than enough!

The parents may or may not come around. I've finally have accepted that I'm okay with it and that my mother is toxic and unloving no matter what the issue with me is.

Feel free to message me if you like. Hang in, Cat