Duty vs Desire || Potential SA triggers

justxholdon · Apr 15, 2017 at 04:38 PM

*** SA trigger warning*** possibly?

I identify as asexual. My partner knows this and claims to be on the ace spectrum as well, but she's 'demi-sexual' which means she needs an emotional connection before she feels sexual arousal/attraction.

So I wrestle with feeling like I'm holding her back. I know what she wants and yet I've started pulling away from even innocent touches knowing where she wants it to go.

I give in occasionally. I start feeling guilty that it's been too long and that that's not fair and let her...you know.

And this is her birthday week so I feel like I should ... like that's what good gf's do right? I just I really hate sex.

I'm also on meds that contribute to low libido and difficult achieving orgasm.

Possible trigger:

So it's hard to not feel like I'm just a toy for her to use and that doesn't help with my SA past. She's rough and likes it fast and the times I've tried to talk about it or guide her in ways that might feel less bad - she's ignored and defaulted to what she wants and I ... I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm just hurting myself letting this go on.

The obvious answer is to just talk to her but how do you tell someone that? I'm so freaking mortified and terrified to post this. I'm not even sure if this is the right place for it. I'm sorry.

wiretwister · Apr 15, 2017 at 04:57 PM

yes this is a good place to post ... you know that a loving caring relationship is a two way street ... what she is doing is causing distress ... and that's bad ... but you have to weigh that against breaking the peace ... but what is this doing to your opinion of yourself ... I think I would write out a very sincere letter ... and in a quite together time read it to her ... but only you know what is the best way to approach this ... I wish you sucess and happiness (together) ... Love .. Tigger.

justxholdon · Apr 15, 2017 at 06:15 PM

I was googling this a bit trying to figure out why I was feeling the way I was. And found for the first time in my life the words 'sexual coercion' and wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Thank you Tigger for replying. It helps just knowing I got the words out and someone heard and didn't tell me the things I was fearing.

Bill3 · Apr 20, 2017 at 07:38 PM

Possible trigger:

she's ignored and defaulted to what she wants

This is a major problem. Her behavior is inconsiderate and inappropriate and, I believe, contributes significantly to the distress you describe.

Quote:

The obvious answer is to just talk to her but how do you tell someone that?

Well it sounds like you have talked to her and told her that. I gather, though, that she is not taking your feelings into consideration.

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Duty vs Desire || Potential SA triggers

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justxholdon Member Member Since Jan 2017 Location: Neverland Posts: 63 7 7 hugs given	Apr 15, 2017 at 06:15 PM #3 I was googling this a bit trying to figure out why I was feeling the way I was. And found for the first time in my life the words 'sexual coercion' and wow. Wow, wow, wow. Thank you Tigger for replying. It helps just knowing I got the words out and someone heard and didn't tell me the things I was fearing.
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