Overwhelming thoughts on having sex with every attractive woman I see..

Hello,

I'm a 47yr old married man who has been married for over 20yrs. I've only had sex 2x in my entire life (my wife being 1 of the 2). I struggle every single day with temptation and it has made my life miserable. I started taking Welbutrin for depression and it seems to have kicked up my sexual desires by 5x. Masturbating is not enough and looking at porn doesn't give me the same intense desires I get when I'm seeing women on the street. It's affected my life so much that I hate going out in public with my wife. I'm constantly wanting the other women and think about it several hours after I've seen them. I have fantasies of making out, dating them, masturbating to them in my mind, and overall I can't focus. Literally 80% of my day is spent thinking about women I come across in public.

I have been faithful to my wife up to this day and have even told her about it (that was a terrible idea because now she is more insecure). I don't want to cheat on my wife. Some friends have even suggested hookers -- which I can't do. That's just not in my nature. I've tried several therapists and all of them have told me that I have normal feelings.

This is torture and while I don't want to end my marriage over this, I don't feel I can hold on. I feel like that one woman who sees my weakness will easily get me to have sex with them. I'm lucky that no woman has been so bold.

I'm replying as someone who identifies as asexual and has never been in a romantic relationship, so please forgive me if I'm way off or asking things that are obvious.

You have a wife but you don't have sex with her. Is it possible to either - have sex with your wife, - ask permission to have a mistress or - have an open relationship (meaning you are both allowed to sleep with other people)?

Hello Struggler: I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I probably don't have much of anything I can offer here. But I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

The first thing I wondered about is the possibility of getting off of the Wellbutrin if it's having the dramatic effect on you it seems to be having. Another thing I wondered about is if Exposure Therapy would be of benefit. California therapist Kati Morton has a video on her YouTube channel with regard to this therapy & I recall that she says it's really important to find a therapist who has expertise in the therapy. (Perhaps you just haven't found the right therapist yet?) Kati also has a video on her channel with regard to "Pure O" (OCD). I don't know if what you are struggling with could be considered a type of pure OCD or not. But in her Pure O video, Kati mentions a couple of different therapies that can be beneficial. One, as I recall, is quite new.

Beyond that the only other thing that occurs to me to mention is a practice called "compassionate abiding". Simply put, it is a practice whereby we simply strive to accept intrusive thoughts & emotions with compassion. It is based on the idea that trying to block or stuff down intrusive thoughts only makes them keep coming back stronger & more frequently. Here's a link to a description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

I have been struggling with a weight issue over my wife. She has lost the weight 2x in our entire 20yrs and while it doesn't take away the thoughts or desires, it definitely helps! I've expressed to my wife that it is VERY important that she loses the weight so that I can find her attractive (physically) again. However, keep in mind, after 20yrs, the mind tends to want something new.

Why should she have to lose weight? You should find her attractive at any weight. After all, you married her, didn't you? And why should she need to lose weight in order for you to have sex with her? I find that a little....offensive? Weight shouldn't be an issue at all.

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[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

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Yeah I have an issue too with you telling your wife that it's VERY important that she loses weight!
Gee any pressure there? Are you a great catch yourself? Very superficial!

Now Breadfish asked about you talking about having an open marriage. Since you've already discussed your desires then maybe you could talk about rules for an open marriage & put poly on the table. Of course this conversation could tank your entire marriage if you don't handle it properly.

If you still have desire for your wife maybe you need to change things up a bit in the bedroom. Or go on a blind date with her. Act as if you've never met & see if the attraction is still there.

If this is affecting your ability to go out in public it's pretty serious.
If you would take this a step further & say, have a fling, have you thought about what would happen next? How you'd feel? How the other person would feel & how you'd feel toward your wife?
Having an affair or fling or casual sex usually fails bec most don't think past the actual act.
What r you really looking for? The desire of being wanted? Power? Just sex? Find what you're really looking for & then make some decisions

That is simply untrue -- and something out of my control. My chemical makeup isn't attracted to heavy women. This is not a decision I made, it's my internal nature.

Just because I married my wife (when she weighed significantly less) doesn't mean I *should* be attracted to her at *any* weight. This is completely illogical.

I'm not overweight and I compromise of course. My wife hated that I used to suck my thumb (at 29yrs old) when in the house. She told me that it was very unattractive for her and it was important that I stopped. I had been sucking my thumb all my life.

But because I knew how serious she was, I quit.

All very valid questions. I really don't know how I would feel if I had sex with another woman who I found attractive.

If you believe that what you "see", in your chemical makeup, is a fat person & nothing more then I don't see a reason to further the marriage.
Next time get a prenup that states your SO has to stay at a certain weight.
I'm sure they will sign.
This too, is illogical

And if you can't figure out what your feelings would be after an affair I don't recommend it

Was she overweight when you too met and during the time you two dated before getting married? Did her weight fluctuations come up at all during this time? If you're not attracted to a larger,more full figured woman, you shouldn't have married one then. Marrying a woman who isn't physically your type is what is illogical here.

I find that the fact that you can't have sex with your wife due to her being full figured a rather shallow and petty one. Sure, we all have preferences and types, I get that, but marrying a woman who doesn't fit your type and expecting her to fit into that type range is rather confusing to me. I agree with Patagonia's remark that it is you who are the illogical one here.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

I will split the difference with you guys ... been married 30 plus years never cheated never will ... we have not had sex for years ... and probably never will again ... we have both gotten quite heavy ... it became difficult to physically have sex then my libdo just could not muster enough ( to keep it up) anymore ... just no desire for sex ... yes it is due to our weight .. she is a very lovely woman and I love her very much but just can not see myself having sex with her anymore ... ( and before anyone suggests it ... due to her shity religious background ) she is totally against oral , masturbation or any "toys" ... it's intercourse or nothing ...

so I see both sides of the issue ... but I will not be cheating on her ... that might be the difference ...

I think the point is the OP wants to have sex with someone attractive. That's it. I didn't read anything about love.

well if you know longer "can" have sex with that heavy woman ... which is my condition... of course I would love to have sex with another woman ... but that is just not going to happen ... so I just supress my desires ... some may not be able to kill off that side of there self .... and give up sex forever ...

No. The point is, the OP only wants to have sex with women who fit his idea of attractiveness. I am not skinny but feel I'm very attractive. Anyways, I digress.

I find the whole situation rather shallow and petty. Marriage should only be reserved for those who are truly in love.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!