Husband question

Hi all,
I am seeking advice here because I feel someone may be able to either help me understand what it is I'm facing or open my eyes to the truth. This is kind of long so please bare with me.
I have been with my husband for 10 years now. We got together at age 17. Married for 6 years. We are 27 and 28 yrs old now. So almost two years ago after the birth of our second child I was going through his phone and came across an email address, got into it and found the shock of my life. Numerous of emails from Craigslist casual encounters, with men. I NEVER saw that coming. I woke him up immediately and he just kept saying he didn't do anything physical, until I came across an email that he was definently caught lying about that in. So he says he let 2 guys give him oral. He claims to have never met up with anymore than that although the emails had a two year span. They would go quite far in consistency. Like one conversation would happen in let's say May and another wouldn't happen until August. Anyways, so I talked to my friend about this and she asked if he had been sexually abused as a child. I was confused as to why that mattered. I knew he had a very bad childhood but he had never mentioned that. So I asked. He admitted that he was sexually abused at the age of 9 by a male friend of his alcoholic fathers. He was forced to allow that man to perform oral sex on him. So I looked into it and saw that this could be trauma reenactment. Made a counseling appointment and tried like hell to understand. But the counselors did not help much. We are in a small town and I don't believe we have access to counselors that have dealt with a range of issues like this. Anyways, so I found a book by Joe Kort about why straight men have gay sex. And he in fact explained the trauma as a cause sometimes. My husband swears he isn't bisexual because at this point I don't believe he would be gay I would think it would be bisexual. I must mention during the time he acted out on this was a very bad time in our marriage. He was here caring for my terminally I'll mother as I went out and drank to get away from the reality of loosing my mom in front of my eyes. So he tells me he felt abandoned and alone and he feels that's what triggered it. I take some of the blame for sure. But I am in a place now where I just always worry, what if he is bisexual? The desire will never go away. Is he only away from that because I have all sites like that blocked from his cellphone and he has no access? Or, is he telling the truth that he has no desire to be with a man in any way and he doesn't know why it happened other than the abuse. We have two babies. A home. A life. I love him but I don't want to be the person who is delaying the inevitable but then again I don't want to leave a man who has been there for me and has been a good man other than this if he isn't bisexual. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

Idk...I would consider this cheating...is that ok with you?

Oh this hasn't happened since I found out about it. I'm sorry I should have disclosed that.

But that is cheating...and how do you know that he isn't cheating anymore??? These are just the ones you found out about. What if you didn't find out about it? How many more people would he fool around with? If I were you, I would get checked for STDs.

My first recommendation is to find a good counselor for him. I was never abused, so I can't speak (first-hand) on that account, but I know without doubt that trauma so young in life can leave lasting scars, and will ripple through the rest of his life, and will not get better without help.

I have to say that you are an amazing wife for not walking out on him as soon as you found out - so many would have. You two have come too far together to give up now. If you love him - and you sure seem to - then help him to get the help he needs.

As for my beliefs, marriage is a life-long commitment, and love is not 'just' and emotion. Yes, it is something we "feel" but true love is not just an emotion; real love is a commitment that lasts for all of our days on this earth. Hang in there, and help him to get the help he needs, and I think one day you'll be glad you did. I hope this helps.

Oh, and sorry, I meant to have said that I agree with metalchick that you probably should get checked for STD's... You do have to look out for yourself here as well.

Yes it is cheating I do realize that. And I found out on a Friday and he and I was tested for everything the following Monday. That was my first biggest fear/concern. Luckily it was all clear

Hello, thank you for your kind words and recommendations I appreciate it! We are currently with a counselor who I feel is really great and is at some point going to do CBT therapy with him alone. He was diagnosised with PTSD as well. I guess it just crosses my mind sometimes what if he is Bisexual and don't want to face it. Although he has said that he has thought it over again and again and he has no attraction to men. I do have the same beliefs as you when it comes to marriage. I'd just hate to walk away from something then have it be only due to trauma

I'm sorry to hear about your trouble, but I believe that you are very, very brave that you don't just throw it all away, but that you are trying everything to save your marriage.

Adult children of alcoholics and childhood sexual abuse do the weirdest things that defy any kind of logic. But I think this can be overcome. I can highly recommend to participate in ACoA online meetings, it has been very valuable for me.

All the best wishes and stay strong!!!

I'm not 100% positive but you can get a rapid hiv test but still need to be tested in 6 months.

I do have to ask. Is your husband just as concerned with all this as you are? It seems like you're doing a great deal, but is he? You said you blocked things on his phone. Why?

try cuckolding relationship

Well good luck find that

I know this is a couple of month after you posted, but since I don't see this addressed here, I'll point it out.

Bisexuality has nothing to do with whether one is monogamous or not, or whether one will cheat or not. In the long run, unless one is the swinging sort, the bisexuality is actually a non issue. A great number of bisexuals in the world are also monogamous. They just have a wider selection pool for the dating/searching phase.

The real issue here is the cheating. Now from my non-professional, limited knowledge of the situation, field only by what is written here, it seems like maybe he just gave in to weakness during a time when you were sexually and emotionally unavailable. The question is how likely is it that he will cheat again? Therapy, both for your marriage and for his trauma, are probably good things. If he is bisexual, he does need to acknowledge that and own it. It doesn't stop him from being monogamous. Beside, if he is, then you two can ogle the same good looking men. Just because you're married and monogamous, doesn't mean you can't enjoy the views.