Jumped the gun

I was raised in a religious homophobic family in a very small homophobic farming town riddled with ignorance. I suffered unbelievably for many many years, struggling to accept my identity because literally every single person around me had their own notions of "how I'm supposed to be". Have it all start from such a very young age, I conformed and lost myself. I emotionally hurt some very nice undeserving females in my confused and very lost state. I tried so hard to date girls and "be normal" as the heteronormative town dictated. I ****ed girls and even got a pretty good reputation because I would last forever, none of them ever knowing I never came and after every single time I would cry myself into a puddle of disgusting filth on the shower floor as I tried to scrub the shame away.. There were lots and lots of other external factors going on that enforced the "being gay is the most disgusting, weakest, most terrible thing a person could ever do to the people around them". I never learned that the cute boy walking into the room and sitting next to me that made my heart pound like a dubstep beat was a positive feeling. A natural feeling. An exciting feeling... I didn't realize that me "overthinking things" was actually me caring about someone so much and not knowing they did not reciprocate the feelings, leaving me feeling even more wrong and confused.

SO! After all of the high school turmoil I joined the Air Force and decided that I was going to learn to identify and accept the feelings that kept the real me locked away for so many years. My naivety should have just killed me there. My superior officer's name was Sergeant Gay, which was super ironic to me. I started to explore and label my feelings and really make some progress sorting myself out. And then I was ratted out for confiding in what I assumed to be a close friend. Were were wingmen since day one and talked about everything... well he did. When I finally told him everything he told my Sergeant and within one day I was labeled as "clinically depressed" striped of my personal belongings, shoe laces, phone, headphones and everything else and shoved in a room behind barred windows with rubber doors and furniture... I spent 2 months trying to convince the clinician that I was not depressed, until I became depressed being trapped. Eventually I was finally discharged to X-Ray, which just meant that I became the cleaning ***** for all of the other Airmen, which was beyond degrading to see all my fellow airmen look at me as though I was broken and undeserving to serve my country just because I was gay... Fortunately, the superiors did not go around telling my peers I was gay, only "depressed" so thankfully I didn't experience any type of hate crimes or similar unfortunate events.

Once I finally got out I started college and met a guy in my very first class. We hit it off immediately and have been together ever since. It is going to be 9 years in November. We've gone through so much together and I wouldn't change it for the world. However... Now that so much time has passed I've come to realize that I never experienced anything about the dating scene. I've never been on a real date. I've never gone out to do things spontaneously. I've never gone to a club, or even danced with strangers for that matter. I don't know what a good kisser is like. I don't know how it feels to have someone crush on you. I've never felt that intense physical connection of being with someone who ranks high on your lust scale.. I've put on a lot of weight which has completely destroyed all semblance of self confidence I had managed to build for myself. I feel cheated out of a lot of the fundamental experiences that come with dating different people to truly find out what you want, need, and deserve. Don't get me wrong, I still love my bf very much. But I feel like I left one toxic relationship with my family, only to jump right into a new one where all I do is self medicate, eat, and watch tv. I know I'm unhappy. I know being independent in the relationship would benefit me tremendously... but I've lost myself so long ago I straight up just don't know how. If I left him I would be completely alone in the world with no support systems because his family "adopted" me and became my "family". If I walk away from all of that I will literally have nothing on this planet. And that is so terrifying to me that I don't think I can handle it.. I think I'm too weak...
I know I will never be able to change my bf.. I know that I will never truly be able to find happiness without time to be on my own and find my wants and needs in the world. But I can't afford to do anything about it... I jumped the gun into a relationship that is now sexless and I find myself completely distracted and lusting after other guys all the freakin time... It's making me even more miserable, which I'm actually surprised is even possible..
I don't know what to do...

What if you work on being stronger? What if you work on diversifying your support?

How exactly does one "work on being stronger"? And it's not the aspect of "diversifying" my support that's the issue, it's the fact that I would be starting from square one, with 0. Yeah sure, with time I bet I would be able to create a whole new support system and my own ideal life. But at this moment in time, when I haven't figured out how to "work on being stronger", I can't get past the black and white thinking of how wrong it all will go.

If you start to find new sources of support now, then there will be sources of support available for you if/when you leave later on.

You work on making yourself stronger by taking time away from the eating, self-medicating, and tv, and devoting that time to more constructive activities.

However, you seem completely convinced that any positive change whatsoever is impossible for you. That felt certainty is the biggest obstacle to any positive change actually taking place.

I have been trying very hard lately to eat less, stop self medicating, and do more productive things with my time. But my issue is that no matter how hard I try, I can't get away from it because its always right there when I get home because that's the lifestyle he refuses to leave. He says that he "is happy with his sedentary lifestyle and has no intention of ever changing it". So every time I have a weak moment I completely relapse all together and the guilt and disappointment from that has started to affect my motivation.

Have you considered couples counselling? Perhaps if your boyfriend knew what you wanted in a relationship, he would be willing to try out new things with you. He may even be secretly interested in doing some of those things but is too shy to mention it. A good couples counsellor could help you address that. Aside from going to a couples counsellor, I see two other options:

1. Leave your boyfriend and start anew (much easier said than done...I only recently left an unhappy relationship that I should have ended much sooner).
2. Stay with your boyfriend and do your best to adapt to his style of life (easier to do but probably more damaging in the end)

I would personally recommend counselling. Do whatever you can to save this relationship so that if you do decide to break it off in the future, you'll know that you did everything you could. I wish you all the best!