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Yukinokoneko
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Member Since: May 2017
Location: Ireland
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Trig May 14, 2017 at 09:04 AM
  #1
Hi,

My mind is spinning and I feel like I am drowning. I have questions that I think only a Dominant or submissive might be able to answer but I appreciate answers from everyone that might see something between my lines that I can’t see anymore. I know it's a very long text. But within one year my whole self and world turned into something very new to me.

I am 36 years old and have meat my first Dom, 50 now, at work. I was in a vanilla relationship back then for about 7 years and had no idea where I actually belong in life. I left my partner for a new job in another country, where we both thought we could have a fresh start and find each other again. We didn’t, but I found this man at work. He was happy and nice, joking along with close to anyone in the office but me. He seemed to very much dislike me, not that I cared though as I haven’t noticed him consciously yet. Subconsciously, well, apparently I had.
One day he suddenly stood behind me at the printer and when I turned around he smiled at me and said: “I need your number!” my whole body and mind stung like it never has before. I didn’t understand my tiny world anymore. From that day on I couldn’t resist him anymore. I had no idea how one can be from one moment to another suddenly realising how deeply the body and mind was longing for that other person. I stared at him across the room, forgetting about everyone around. I almost run in doors when he cam near me. One morning my friend told me that she had enough that he knows now. Knows what was my terrified reply. Well, she said, he came for coffee downstairs asking me, why you were running around like a headless chicken around him. She said, because she likes you and he must have walked off with a big smile. Long story short, we meat for the first time at his place, he helped me fixing my car. And then we talked and he told me to let down my hair and let it fall natural. I was so nervous like a 16 year old girl, I fell in love with the man like a teenager. On our first private meeting he already told me he’ll gag me if I was to repeat (whatever it was) again, with this smile he can get anything from me.

That day I went home with a feeling I never had before. For me it was clear, that the next day I’ll have my hair down at work. And I did. That day he told me, just before I left: “I can see you being back here Saturday…Bring milk for your coffee, I get the chain ready for you.” It was a Thursday and of course I was back there with open hair and milk on Saturday. But one important thing happened that Thursday afternoon, when I came back home. I texted him asking whether he meant it that he gets the chain ready for me and wants to gag me. Of course, he replied. I told him, that I find it very sad but that would never happen between us. If he ever ties me down or gags me, I’ll never be back. I told him in that message with tears in my eyes (something I have never in my life have told anyone before after one meeting, in fact only 2 people know of), that I was abused and cannot stand to be held dow. He replied: “Yes you will!” And then we texted all night through and he told me why he can live without intercorse and has never melted into someone passionately but mentally. To my question of why so, he replied that incest wasn’t nice when growing up.

From that day on I went along and accepted his way and started finding myself. In that time he told me many times that he accepts and appreciates me the way I am. But he also wanted to teach me how to distant my mind from love and feelings going to deep. He also told me he loves to play with my mind. I entered the most intimate relationship I have ever experienced and allowed him come closer than anyone ever before. I am stunned by how he controls my mind, how much I follow his lead and how save and true it feels. I found what I was subconsciously longing for. But we never defined our relationship to date. We talked about what he likes what I like sexually etc and in life. But we have no typical D/s relationship with save words or contract. Then again what is typical or normal. He can look right through me he has the talent of spiritual healing and he heals me. And now here comes my problem at the moment.

He was very sick a couple of weeks ago, that was the time I realised that I love and truly accept him the way he is. I was very worried about him. The night before I drove him to hospital He was sitting in his chair by the fire and I was sitting on the floor next to him reading when I felt his eyes on me. I looked up and he smiled at me so warm I could have melted into him. He stated: “Life is not easy once you realise that you developed some feelings for someone (here I can’t set any punctuation as I don’t know, whether he meant it as a question for me or a statement for the both of us.)” That statement hit me like a can opener a can. It opened up my can of feelings towards him, that I had bottled up so very deep because he told me in the very beginning that he’ll teach me to distant myself from love and feelings. I was so afraid of loosing him due to my failure in not being able to not fall for him. Perhaps I should explain, that I have nerv accepted and loved anyone like I love him. All of the way we are with each other, all of my reactions of submission of submitting to him and his wishes, all of those feelings are very new to me. And he knows and he asked me a number of times whether it was a scary feeling or if it confuses me. To be honest, and I told him, no it doesn’t. If anybody would have told me a year ago what I will like and live a year from then, I would have called them crazy and walked off with a huge smile. But now here I am sitting on the floor in front of my Dom as it pleases the both of us and him stroking me and letting me be and it feels as save as nothing else in life. I want to make time stand still in those moments that we share. So that night after his statement, he held his hand out to me and I took it, I loved him and the moment. That night he held me so very close I had no idea such feelings and intimacy would exist. But all that also made me wonder how I would react in hospital, how to deal with the situation of him having to go into intensive care and that I wanted to be there for him and have access to him. Next morning before we left he gave me his belongings including his wallet to take in the car- which is very unusual for him, as he is in control, always. In that brief moment I looked in his wallet for his ID card. I wanted to know his birthdate in order to have access to him in intensive care if needed. Very stupid, I know! But I was so confused with the whole situation and resent events.

Three weeks later, now 3 weeks ago it was a Sunday and his birthday. Deep inside, I guessed he does not what so ever celebrate it as that would mean he has to be reminded of his sexual abusive childhood with his mother and stepfather beating him after his mother took his dignity and will and abused him to her will. But I got up and dressed to buy him a birthday cake, as I was so happy for him to be a part of my life and I fell so sad that he never experienced a loving relationship. I wanted to show him, that he matters a lot, and for sure not only to me. That he deserves a birthday cake. He asked me if I was heading out and where I was going, but all I replied when running out the door was: “I’ll be back soon…”. When I came back 2 hours later, his good mood has changed. So did mine as we reflect our moods, I have to say I still am not quite sure of his mood swings sometimes and I am very nervous then on how to react to it. So I drift off and hope it’ll be over soon. He asked me a couple of times what was on my mind, and I didn’t reply appropriate. Like a little prat, what I am actually not! Then he wanted me to please him and like a knife it stung me for a moment, I fell back into a past feeling of being unsafe and abused, I don’t know how and why it all came up in that one moment. His reply was cold and he asked me again, this time with more pressure what was wrong. My reply in a cold and uplifting voice and very bad manor was: “Well, what do you care?!” Oh boy, he got angry. He told me he should kick my *** right out of here, that I came back close to 2 hours after storming out of here not telling him where I went returning with a bad mood, and instead of telling him what was going on, I pressure him into this mood. And he was right. Before I could find words or even sense my eyes filled with tears, I was down on the floor in front of him in no time explaining that I bought a birthday cake etc. I apologised for my behaviour and childish reply. I explained that I still have huge issues of trusting him that he cares about me but how stunned I was by him helping me the day before with something quite big. And he replied: “ And yet you ask what do I care?!” He told me how he can’t access my mind when I withdraw into my own world, I explained why so and he forgave me. Because I finally talked he said. He even asked for his birthday cake after dinner and he seemed happy again. He did mention that his body and mind is drained but we ended the day positive by watching a movie. Then I thought, as I am a very honest person- some say too honest at times, I asked him if I can tell him one more thing, he accepted. I told him how I knew about his birthday (secretly I was wondering already why he hash’s questioned it already). He didn’t reply. He only carried on watching the movie and playing with my hair.

Next day he sent me a message at work, thanking me for the lunch and that he liked it- unusual for him, but it made me very happy. Tuesday night I came home and couldn’t open the door to my house anymore. I won’t go into detail here now what’s all behind that story, as it would be too long and off-topic. Anyhow, after having to break the door open, as the key didn’t turn anymore- only my Dom has my spare key. I called him as I was scared and needed someone to think clearly for me as I wasn’t able to form any decent thought anymore. He was calm and supportive as usual, suggesting to call my friend who is a facility manager straight away as he will be able to help me out. And if needed I should come around his place to spend the night there. He lives about half an hour drive away. My friend came along with a new lock and later that night my Dom texted me, asking if everything was fixed and sorted. But I read the message only next day at work. That day he was over in the other building, so I texted him back, “yes”, all fixed. He replied with: “Perfect”. I replied explaining him that my friend said, someone was in my place with keys and locked the door from inside and slammed it close. I texted back: “So yeah, not all that good….” He asked me if I didn’t exchanges the lock already, I said no, not yet. That was at work around lunch time. Later that day, evening he sent me the all changing message: “ How much more of my private papers did you go through when reading my passport?” I told him none, which is true and why he wants to know now after all those days. His reply was the hardest I have ever received from him and it scares me to pieces that I might have lost him now. “Because I had more than enough with you the day you told me about it.” I called him and he was very angry. I asked him if that meant that we won’t see each other anymore he was shouting that he does not have the time and nerves for my issues and that ******** now, but said very quiet “ of course you can come out here again.” We hang up with me feeling absolutely devastated. Later on that night I sent him a message explaining why and how it came to all that. I mentioned that I thought he even wanted to come back here Saturday to get some more wood done. He only replied to the wood question, that I shouldn’t worry about it, he’ll come over Saturday morning chopping it, ignoring all the rest. Saturday morning he drove up here, went in the garden, chopped the wood without even knocking at my door. I went to see him in the garden and when I asked if he can forgive me, he said, looking down: “ Well, I’ll look into that.” I followed him to his car asking if we can see each other private again, he looked at me almost like I was crazy to ask such a question and said: “ sure!” When he went in the car, I apologised again and told him, “I never wanted to hurt you”, he turned around and said to me very cold, “isn’t that a little late for it now?!” and drove of with a “See you Tuesday at work!” Tuesday back at work he talked to me like nothing ever happened. He was even very nice. We talked downstairs smoking with the night shift form Graphics department about work and he included me asking one of our colleagues, what about her, pointing at me, she was Logo department. I said that I had a meeting with my supervisor and thinking of quitting anyways. That I’d asked her how I can quit in this place but she refused to tell me as she needs me etc. Back at my desk I found an email from him, showing me links of how I can quit. All through the past 2 weeks I felt like he has tried to communicate with me. But, he kept saying in the past, work is work and private is private. Now my biggest concern is: How can I find out if he has forgiven me? I sent him Friday morning a message: “I miss you, so very much. I wish your door was still open for me” He read it but, never replied. He does that a lot to non questions. And I didn’t state it as a question. But yet I am very scared that this is a sign that at work he’ll respect me as a colleague, all though he doesn’t have to as we’re not in the same team, and private he wants me out of his life. He doesn’t know that the lock is changed also from outside now and that it would need a new key. But he hasn’t returned my key yet, which might be a good sign. I wanted to go see him yesterday or today, but I am too scared to be rejected. Today is Sunday and tomorrow we’ll see each other at work again. I can’t sleep anymore, have to force myself to eat. I feel like breaking apart.

Now back to why only a Dom might be able to help me here is, he knows by now that he can’t punish me with a good spanking as it is too much pleasure for me- who would have thought! But he knows how hard it is for me on the other hand, when he withdraws from me. We had talked about my issue of being scared of him pushing me away in the past. There was one situation when he texted me back then: “ Interesting how you keep feeling pushed away when I don’t react as expected by you. I might do it one day, just to see how you handle the situation and if you are able to break the pattern.”

What are your thoughts on the whole situation? Please bare in mind that breaking privacy lines are leaving all of us questioning the trust in the other person. But for him, I have over stepped the line of his privacy so deep. Bare in mind, he got his privacy taken and abused by his mother. So for him it is even worse I can only imagine how bad. Or is it maybe some kind of punishment I am now having to go through, and wait? How should I behave or deal with him? When he started small talk at work with me, I couldn’t reply. I had no air in my lungs I started shaking and had to fight tears. Is there anything you can suggest that I could do now? Should I drive up his place and find out myself if the door is still open for me?

Thank you all fro reading and I would very much appreciate every little suggestion and thought on all of this. Because right now, none of his reactions towards me from the last 2-3 weeks make sense to me. I am drowning. And I start wondering what happens if he is gone just like that. My mind in his hands… [/SIZE][/FONT]
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Smile May 16, 2017 at 07:24 PM
  #2
Hello Yukinokoneko: I'm sorry I don't really have anything to offer with regard to this. But I wanted to at least leave a reply letting you know I read your post. One thing I will just mention is that posts of this length tend not to attract many readers here on PC. So I don't know how many replies you'll receive. Hopefully, if there are other members who have had similar experiences, they will take the time to read your post & reply with some beneficial suggestions. I wish you well...

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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Patagonia
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Default May 17, 2017 at 08:24 AM
  #3
I'm in a M/s relationship & have a few thoughts for you.

First this question seems pointed at how to deal with you Dom. So I advise you to get on FetLife & ask other subs. They have a great community & it's packed with information, especially D/s. I'm not sure of the answers you will get here.

A blaring red flag that I see is his approach to you at work. That's a major no no in several areas & crosses many lines.

Another red flag I see is that you stated you have no safe word or contract. Why? I'm guessing you had many meetings to go over every issue that might occur & trust him enough in all these situations? How well versed are you to a bdsm relationship? Have you studied it? Has your Dom? Is he vetted in your community? How well do you know this man? Did you go over soft & hard limits? And what if you're backed into a hard limit with no way out?
You've put an enormous amount of trust in your Dom, yet you have no rules or guidelines. What does he expect? What do you expect?
A Dom or Master, imho, is supposed to be able to crawl inside your head to set up this power exchange, BUT I also feel it is their RESPONSIBILITY to teach, improve, guide etc the submissive into a self confident, powerful woman. This is how I see D/s or M/s relationship.
What is he teaching you about yourself? How has he dealt with your past? What is his philosophy onbeing a Dom? This you should know before anything! Is it just based on power? Submission? Sex? These things you should already know because hopefully he laid out what he expects from a sub. Is this a TPE???

To give our submission to a Dom is the ultimate treasure that we offer that must be protected, appreciated, nurtured & cultivated.
Do you understand your submission?
Is this a game? A Mind****? As with all relationships communication is key but in bdsm it's paramount.
Wish you all the best!

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amandalouise
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Default May 18, 2017 at 01:42 PM
  #4
at first I did not reply to this thread because the original post did make me uncomfortable, not because of the type of sex but because like the other replyer, I did not see any of the normal D/S relationship things. to me this looks more like a domestic violence situation of an abuser grooming their victim rather than a D/S relationship. D/S has very clear rules, though one is the Dom and the other is the Sub there are rules. each USA state recognizes these rules other wise the situaiton is called the crime of domestic violence/ Rape/ Abuse/ Assault and other wording depending upon ones location.

right now according to the original post if going on NY state laws this would be a domestic violence situation or worse because there is no code words, no discussions of what each others fantasies to be included are, there is no off time listed for example the dom approached at work before even the basics of normal dating, just I got chains and obvious dislike for you.

A D/S relationship doesnt start off on abuse and dislike, abusers dislike and take their rage/ dislike and power out on others. people inD/s relationship have mutual respect and love for each other just like any other kind of relationship. the difference is in D/S relationships is that during sex/ intimate relations time one controls the others enjoyment and emotions. (yes talking form experience here, I have been in D/S relationships before)

my suggestion would be to put on the brakes here and take time to talk things out, maybe even check this person out to see if they have any others that have accused this person of domestic violence, or other crimes.

like the other poster I feel this situation is not right something is wrong here even in the D/S world of things this actually feels more like real abuse/domestic violence/ grooming a victim rather than a dom being in control in the bedroom relationship.
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Default May 29, 2017 at 07:28 AM
  #5
Not all does are created equal. Some of them do contracts and others don't. I was a trained sub with a male dom for almost a year then his wife took over for a month which was a diaster.

Talk and put things on the table. I think now there should have been more talking as far as mentoring me was concerned. For me I have no desire to be a sub again does nothing for me
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Default Jun 12, 2017 at 07:24 PM
  #6
I was considering replying to your thread but first wanted to ask if you still wanted replies since it is older
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Default Jun 25, 2017 at 08:04 AM
  #7
I a man going to have to agree with the others, in that this relationship and how it started worries me. However, I have a feeling that he is not abusive per se. In that, I don't think it is him lashing out as a result of his prior abuse. I do think that he is having problems due to that prior abuse and as such it impacts upon the relationship causing problems for you.

Contract are not a must, especially since they are not binding. Safe word are something I teach must always be in place, even if it is agreed that their use will result in a termination of the relationship. Even when partners get to know each other so well, they can read the subtle signs of each other's body and behaviors, there is always the potential for something completely out of the norm to occur. A pat trauma surely surfacing from suppressed memory, or a physical pain that is not supposed to be there, and isn't obvious to the other. And safe words are not just for the sub. A safe word by the Dom can jolt a sub out of subspace, when a problem occurs with the Dom.

My first piece of advice is to go look up the Submissive Bill of Rights. No matter how devoted you are to another, you must always take care of yourself first. Otherwise you are not able to take care of them properly.

The next thing is that you must question whether or not he is worth all this. There are subs for whom this kind of mind f**k is part of what they seek, the end result being worth the stress and emotional pain they go through to get there. But are you that type? This is for you alone to decide.

It sounds as if he loves you in his own manner, but his past trauma seems to be giving him issues. He may never be able to fully open up to you. If you are fine with that, then keep trying to make it work and get past this particular roadblock. But if you are wanting him to be able to say he loves you, you and he might need to get therapy.
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