terrified of intimacy

to give some background, I was bullied a lot throughout my life in various ways mostly by males. I was sexually harassed and assaulted 3 years ago. I think this has really messed with me. I am scared of people in general but especially the intimacy involved within relationships- the emotional and mostly the physical parts. I cant even cuddle with my best friend (a female) of 10 years without having a panic attack. idk what is wrong with me? I know its anxiety and everything but I just hate it so much. idk what to do bout it. any advice would be appreciated on how to over come this. (also I just started taking medication so hopefully that will help)

I highly recommend a good therapist to deal with the trauma you have been through. I am not sure how much medication alone will help, unfortunately.

so I do have a therapist. I am really kind of afraid to bring it up with her. I know its her job and everything but I just know it'll be really uncomfortable to talk about

I went through something relatively minor that I just wasn't ready for 35 years ago and never told a single soul until I told my T last year. It surely is what messed you up. I think sex is sort of a primal and an emotional experience so the things we experience sexually that scare us, devalue us, etc leave their mark. It was hard for me to talk about it to--just the thought gave me panic attacks before word one and the panic attacks continued for a few sessions. But judging by the emotions that talking about it released--it was good for me to deal with it. It will make you think about the perp all of the time for a little while (which is disgusting) but then you will process it. You will then get to a place where you think very little about the event and talking about it will probably help you with your emotional and physical intimacy problems. It may be a tough process for a few sessions but it will be so so worth it!

I'm so sorry you've had to go through those awful experiences

I suffered trauma too as a child and was just talking to my therapist about how I seem to be scared of and hate 'everyone' now as an adult.. She explained to me that when you experience traumatic events, the reality of those situations gets split into the unconscious because it's too much to handle all at once.. You kind of end up living in two different realities, your present gets overlayed with what happened in your past. So even though you're with someone you know to be safe today, the closeness or anything that reminds you of the traumatic event makes you react as if you were in that situation again.. It's very exhausting and difficult to handle, I know

My therapist says that when you start to become conscious of what happened before, you can then start to see what belongs in the past and what's about the present moment. I encourage you to talk to your therapist about this - I know it can be extremely uncomfortable, but just know that YOU have got nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to the abuse you suffered. Absolutely nothing! It's your abusers that should be ashamed. Do your best to try and open up to your therapist and let her help you - you deserve to feel better