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Old 12-01-2017, 11:59 PM #21
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Default Re: I need some advice...

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Originally Posted by Artchic528 View Post
Insecure, I imagine. He wants me to be violent to him...not the other way around.

Look, if this thread is going to be going back and forth about what is real and what isn't, I'm too damn sleep deprived for that sorta thing right now. Please don't make it that. Okay.
Your friend is a submissive masochist and he has a need for you to dominate him and to hurt him. If you were together IRL, he would probably want to have this same maso-sub behavior. It is certainly not an unusual desire.

It seems that you are heavily invested in this man. He has particular kinks and yet your fantasies are, well, not at all kinky (you just wanna let the Kama Sutra unfold before you).

My opinion: I think that your friend’s ability to admit to his kinks is good; it feels as if he is laying bare what he wants of you. I believe that you might need to get a complete 180 overhaul and decide if you can, or cannot, satisfy your friends wants and desires and, possibly, needs. If you cannot - and, from what you’ve written, I do not believe that you can take charge and dominate and play the sadist. This, alone, might be reason enough to begin distancing yourself from this friend.

And next I will point out something obvious: As you have Skype interaction I would think that the most intimate thing to would be to masturbate together. Now, maybe you have and, maybe, your friend spoke of his need to be dominated and to feel pain.

I only see two choices: accept your friend as he his and indulge him his fantasies - even if you meet IRL - or... decide, for yourself, if you would be uncomfortable belittling and punishing him both over Skype and/or IRL. If you are not sexually compatible then you are not compatible as a couple. You should present this information to your friend whilst respecting his kinks... just not to the point of responding as he would like.

Make sense?
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Old 12-02-2017, 01:02 AM #22
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Default Re: I need some advice...

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Originally Posted by Artchic528 View Post
So, you're saying that I should give up my sense of morality and my mental stability to see to it that he's sastisfied? Being violent to him isn't an option because I care about him too much, and it brings up painful memories of my abuse and things I did to others in anger.

No...I don't think this will ever be an option....that's why I made this thread...to get advice on what I CAN do to make this work.
And my advice is: As you are not sexually compatible with this guy, you should stop investing so much of yourself in him.

No, if you feel that you would be sacrificing your morality and (ye, gods!) mental stability to satisfy your friend sexually (I know nothing about this internet-coupling - ‘touch’ is so much of love to me that I cannot imagine loving someone whose hand I have not held, whose cheek I have not brushed with my lips, &etc.

It seems that he means everything to you? I suggest easing out of this complex world that you two have created. As has been said (or has it?) disparate sexual desires are a deal-breaker.

I do not believe that there is any “advice on what (you) I CAN do to make this work.” Yes, I have had friends/lovers who wanted what I could not give sexually BUT we usually had so much in common sexually that an odd request or two didn’t affect our friendship. (Beware the Gravity’s Rainbow reference.)

I am very much an old-technology guy.

I believe that I would need ‘touch’ before commitment.

I admit that I do not understand how these internet couplings can be so strong (unless part of a larger sexual commitment?).

Yes, I will admit that I find this type of intense, all-encompassing internet couplings, um, yeah, kinda creepy. No, icky. Really icky. Kinda like the feeling I get when someone tries to convince me that gods and fairies co-exist in some sort of ‘other’ dimension (last I heard, quantum mechanics had posited eleven different dimensions, which I think is cool even if it only can be proven by good mathematics).

You’ll not know this man until you touch him and he has expressed his sexual needs and you find his needs repugnant.

Were I you, I would began a disassociation from this guy immediately. You are not compatible. You do not want the same things. Yes, I suppose that the emotion that you feel may feel like love but it could be a construct built from an internet personality with no REAL WORLD experience.

You don’t write of it but how often does he allow his sexual preferences be known? Days, weeks?

It is time that you realize that you would be well rid of he whose sexual desires you could not satisfy.

No, no, no. They need to move on. You need to move on, too.
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Old 12-02-2017, 01:16 AM #23
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Default Re: I need some advice...

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Originally Posted by Patagonia View Post
You said you’re doing roleplay. Roleplay is a very specific term here. It can take awhile to cultivate it too & set up boundaries.
If you wanto keep the relationship & your partner does too then there needs to be some compromises here.

First rule of roleplay are setting boundaries. What are they? What are the specifics? What’s the goal?

Second is getting into the proper headspace. Some can easily do this, some need practice & some just can’t. I feel Practice is key. You need to engage your mind actively into the roleplay; some can lose themselves in it. A well informed partner knows your boundaries, soft limits & hard limits.
Again communication is key.

Roleplay is not for everyone. At first thought for me, it was too triggering of where the end product was headed. Now, after seeing the steps, the triggers & how I had all the control basically, it was actually very empowering. A trigger I thought I could never face....I powered over it & owned it.

Are there other areas of roleplay that you 2 have not discussed? Maybe sideline this one for awhile & come back to it when you have more history together.
Just a thought?
Even before the rules are set the #1 thing that you must share with role playing partners is trust. If I tie you so that you can be gangbanged by eight fellows, with sufficient barriers set, you must trust that I will put a stop to all if you begin to get iffy with, for example, the #4 dude. There is a safe word for bdsm. There should be safe words for all role play.

I think that your suggestion is good: Sideline the sex talk for a while.

As always, Patagonia’s words are wise.
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Old 12-02-2017, 09:17 AM #24
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Default Re: I need some advice...

I don't want to distance myself from him. Losing him would be devastating to me, and him losing me would probably kill him. You see, he physically has a bad heart, and I can't in good consciousness cause him to tip over the edge. I can't live with that sort of guilt.

With that aside, I don't get why someone would actually want punishment. It boggles my mind because for me, punishment has a very negative association with it. My physical abuse as a child is one example. I feel he just needs to respect me more about this, and that he isn't.
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Old 12-02-2017, 01:55 PM #25
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Default Re: I need some advice...

You might wanto explore researching sexual imprinting.
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Old 12-02-2017, 03:46 PM #26
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Default Re: I need some advice...

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Originally Posted by Patagonia View Post
You might wanto explore researching sexual imprinting.
According to my research, sexual imprinting is where the young of a species bases their prefrences in a mate on the individual who reared them as opposed to the individual who is their biological parent, if that is the case.

Can you further explain how this can help me in my relationship? I'm a bit befuddled.

FYI, two points on which I stand firm here are that I'm NOT leaving him, NOR am I going to cause him physical harm or give him punishments as the very concept brings me very unpleasant flashbacks to my prior abuse.
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Old 12-02-2017, 04:01 PM #27
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Default Re: I need some advice...

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Originally Posted by Artchic528 View Post
I don't want to distance myself from him. Losing him would be devastating to me, and him losing me would probably kill him. You see, he physically has a bad heart, and I can't in good consciousness cause him to tip over the edge. I can't live with that sort of guilt.

With that aside, I don't get why someone would actually want punishment. It boggles my mind because for me, punishment has a very negative association with it. My physical abuse as a child is one example. I feel he just needs to respect me more about this, and that he isn't.
I'm a submissive masochist. Pain is an incredible turn on for me. I love it. Taking a belt is not a punishment, I crave it. There isn't a why, its just part of who I am. I embrace my masochistic side by being in relationships that are on board with my lifestyle. I don't know that I could give up being a submissive masochist for anyone.
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Old 12-02-2017, 04:04 PM #28
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Default Re: I need some advice...

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I'm a submissive masochist. Pain is an incredible turn on for me. I love it. Taking a belt is not a punishment, I crave it. There isn't a why, its just part of who I am. I embrace my masochistic side by being in relationships that are on board with my lifestyle. I don't know that I could give up being a submissive masochist for anyone.
That's all well and good, and I never said he was wrong or shamed him for his fetish. It's not so much about him or what he feels about such acts, it's about how I feel about them and how they trigger me.
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Old 12-02-2017, 04:09 PM #29
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Default Re: I need some advice...

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That's all well and good, and I never said he was wrong or shamed him for his fetish. It's not so much about him or what he feels about such acts, it's about how I feel about them and how they trigger me.
I'm just saying he may not want to be with you if you can't fulfill this side of him. I can tell you the pull is very strong. If he needs to be a masochist and you can't deliver I would say you two are at an impass.
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Old 12-02-2017, 04:18 PM #30
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Default Re: I need some advice...

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I'm just saying he may not want to be with you if you can't fulfill this side of him. I can tell you the pull is very strong. If he needs to be a masochist and you can't deliver I would say you two are at an impass.
He is crazy about me, so I don't think he'll leave me. He just needs to understand that I'm not going to do that sort of stuff.
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