I need some advice...

Your friend is a submissive masochist and he has a need for you to dominate him and to hurt him. If you were together IRL, he would probably want to have this same maso-sub behavior. It is certainly not an unusual desire.

It seems that you are heavily invested in this man. He has particular kinks and yet your fantasies are, well, not at all kinky (you just wanna let the Kama Sutra unfold before you).

My opinion: I think that your friend’s ability to admit to his kinks is good; it feels as if he is laying bare what he wants of you. I believe that you might need to get a complete 180 overhaul and decide if you can, or cannot, satisfy your friends wants and desires and, possibly, needs. If you cannot - and, from what you’ve written, I do not believe that you can take charge and dominate and play the sadist. This, alone, might be reason enough to begin distancing yourself from this friend.

And next I will point out something obvious: As you have Skype interaction I would think that the most intimate thing to would be to masturbate together. Now, maybe you have and, maybe, your friend spoke of his need to be dominated and to feel pain.

I only see two choices: accept your friend as he his and indulge him his fantasies - even if you meet IRL - or... decide, for yourself, if you would be uncomfortable belittling and punishing him both over Skype and/or IRL. If you are not sexually compatible then you are not compatible as a couple. You should present this information to your friend whilst respecting his kinks... just not to the point of responding as he would like.

Make sense?

And my advice is: As you are not sexually compatible with this guy, you should stop investing so much of yourself in him.

No, if you feel that you would be sacrificing your morality and (ye, gods!) mental stability to satisfy your friend sexually (I know nothing about this internet-coupling - ‘touch’ is so much of love to me that I cannot imagine loving someone whose hand I have not held, whose cheek I have not brushed with my lips, &etc.

It seems that he means everything to you? I suggest easing out of this complex world that you two have created. As has been said (or has it?) disparate sexual desires are a deal-breaker.

I do not believe that there is any “advice on what (you) I CAN do to make this work.” Yes, I have had friends/lovers who wanted what I could not give sexually BUT we usually had so much in common sexually that an odd request or two didn’t affect our friendship. (Beware the Gravity’s Rainbow reference.)

I am very much an old-technology guy.

I believe that I would need ‘touch’ before commitment.

I admit that I do not understand how these internet couplings can be so strong (unless part of a larger sexual commitment?).

Yes, I will admit that I find this type of intense, all-encompassing internet couplings, um, yeah, kinda creepy. No, icky. Really icky. Kinda like the feeling I get when someone tries to convince me that gods and fairies co-exist in some sort of ‘other’ dimension (last I heard, quantum mechanics had posited eleven different dimensions, which I think is cool even if it only can be proven by good mathematics).

You’ll not know this man until you touch him and he has expressed his sexual needs and you find his needs repugnant.

Were I you, I would began a disassociation from this guy immediately. You are not compatible. You do not want the same things. Yes, I suppose that the emotion that you feel may feel like love but it could be a construct built from an internet personality with no REAL WORLD experience.

You don’t write of it but how often does he allow his sexual preferences be known? Days, weeks?

It is time that you realize that you would be well rid of he whose sexual desires you could not satisfy.

No, no, no. They need to move on. You need to move on, too.

Even before the rules are set the #1 thing that you must share with role playing partners is trust. If I tie you so that you can be gangbanged by eight fellows, with sufficient barriers set, you must trust that I will put a stop to all if you begin to get iffy with, for example, the #4 dude. There is a safe word for bdsm. There should be safe words for all role play.

I think that your suggestion is good: Sideline the sex talk for a while.

As always, Patagonia’s words are wise.

I don't want to distance myself from him. Losing him would be devastating to me, and him losing me would probably kill him. You see, he physically has a bad heart, and I can't in good consciousness cause him to tip over the edge. I can't live with that sort of guilt.

With that aside, I don't get why someone would actually want punishment. It boggles my mind because for me, punishment has a very negative association with it. My physical abuse as a child is one example. I feel he just needs to respect me more about this, and that he isn't.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

You might wanto explore researching sexual imprinting.

According to my research, sexual imprinting is where the young of a species bases their prefrences in a mate on the individual who reared them as opposed to the individual who is their biological parent, if that is the case.

Can you further explain how this can help me in my relationship? I'm a bit befuddled.

FYI, two points on which I stand firm here are that I'm NOT leaving him, NOR am I going to cause him physical harm or give him punishments as the very concept brings me very unpleasant flashbacks to my prior abuse.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

I'm a submissive masochist. Pain is an incredible turn on for me. I love it. Taking a belt is not a punishment, I crave it. There isn't a why, its just part of who I am. I embrace my masochistic side by being in relationships that are on board with my lifestyle. I don't know that I could give up being a submissive masochist for anyone.

That's all well and good, and I never said he was wrong or shamed him for his fetish. It's not so much about him or what he feels about such acts, it's about how I feel about them and how they trigger me.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

I'm just saying he may not want to be with you if you can't fulfill this side of him. I can tell you the pull is very strong. If he needs to be a masochist and you can't deliver I would say you two are at an impass.

He is crazy about me, so I don't think he'll leave me. He just needs to understand that I'm not going to do that sort of stuff.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

I guess it's between the two of you. I would not give up my masochistic side for someone on the internet. He may have a totally different take on it. Good luck.

Sexual “preferences” especially terms related to the bdsm culture are not ingrained into us.
There is always leeway.

Start researching it on like...page 10 or 30 of google. A recurring algorithm will put it in the animal area....you want sexual imprinting regarding humans which will branch into sexual fetishism.

So you state you’re not leaving him or this. Have you heard the same statement in reverse, from him? That if you cannot participate in this, he will stay with you? I’m not being devil’s advocate here, I just need to know where this person stands.

You also state that you don’t wanto harm him. So are you also stating that you do not wanto work thru this trigger with him? If so why? I know there’s flashbacks....but there must be other circumstances. Is this a Pandora’s box that you’re not ready to unpack with this individual?
Have you both also talked about being in an open relationship bec, just to me, this might be the best direction to explore where everyone’s needs are met.

We’re not sunk yet people!! There’s still wiggle room & Artchic if this is something you seriously want, changes can be made. It’ll be hard, but you both need to work together.

What does he say about all this?

For some of us there isn't. Its a part of me as much as being bipolar is. I would not choose someone who wasn't on the same page. If I was in a non sexually satisfying relationship, I would get myself satisfied somewhere else.

Not saying this is the case here. I don't know him. Just pointing out that it is a fair deal breaker.

An open relationship is never going to be an option with me because I only believe in monogamy. Besides, in a Threeway relationship one individual always gets booted to second potato and there the resentment grows, so it never works out.

I admit I am still confused here about sexual imprinting. What exactly should I do with the information I find? I need more direction than this, I'm afraid.

I sent him an email asking if he'll let it go and choose to be with me. He said he chooses to be with me always.

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

TheSadGirl
You can only state this as fact if you already know the future....or you’re over the age of 80yrs which I consider old.
Then you can make blanket statements like this. Not everything is so black, white & stationary in life.
Just the way I see it.

And it is this type of admission that reveals the possibilities of this website becoming a hook-up site for we BDSM folk.

See, OP? We who fit in these slots, these fine dominate/sadist slots, those who fit in those sweet sub/maso slots, we are committed.

Nothing to do with childhood abuse (I was sexually abused; no more to say on that), I don’t believe. Even I enjoy a whiff of pain now and again; but, no, I cannot imagine being submissive.

Leeway. Yes. Leeway is necessary.

I’m hearing a lot of words like “always,” “never”, “NOT”.....”crazy” (lol)
There’s no flexibility here in the posts & it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind....so I’m not sure what you’re asking anymore.

Can a fetish be fixed???
Will he cheat on me bec I can’t sexually satisfy him?
Will this kill him if I leave bec of his heart condition?
Idk. It sounds like you’ve painted yourself into a corner...& he says he chooses to be with you always so.....I really hope it lasts that long.

And an open relationship is certainly not a threesome.

I stand by what I said. Submissive massochist, as permanent as my tattoos. Maybe some people can surpress their nature. I can not. We will just have to agree to disagree.