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Old 11-26-2017, 08:18 PM #1
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Confused Torn about gender

Hey, thanks for dropping in.

So I've been stuck in a back and forth for a while regarding my gender. I am physically female, and personality wise quite feminine in the nurturing way, but at the same time, since I entered puberty I've felt kind of uncomfortable, especially with my breasts. I don't stand/sit up straight because I don't want them to show.

I like looking not feminine, I don't like having all these curves. Crossdressing is made very difficult by them. My favourite brah is the one that makes my breasts look flatter, but I am still too curvy to wear anything but a jumper or hoodie.
I can make myself up to look pretty and petit, and sometimes it makes me very happy. Most times however it just feels uncomfortable.

I want to have biological children someday, one of the biggest issues I have, and I don't much mind having a vagina. I quite enjoy being a female. Looking cute is pretty fun.

Can't help but feel like I would be happier if I wasn't. Or at least didn't have such pronounced features of one.
I prefer male or undefined pronouns, being called a woman makes me sad for some reason and I can't help but wonder.

I get a kick out of looking like a guy, being mistaken for one (before I speak anyway). It makes me happy to pretend. To walk with a wide gait to hide my hips, to wear big coats or jumpers to forget what I look like underneath.

What am I?
Can anybody relate and give me a hand on what to do?

Thanks for reading, sorry about the messy writing.
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Old 11-27-2017, 12:52 AM #2
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Default Re: Torn about gender

Personally I think doing something drastic as switching is a big mistake. Most of our gender identification comes from the workings of psyche itself. Not totally, but a large portion of it. Try some kind of therapy that puts you into a mindset of a gender you wish to be. I cannot even recall how this happened to me, just with time I guess, and training to create mental stuff and other symbolic things that make me feel possessed rather then locked in material body. This also has its dangers but better then any alternative.
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Old 12-02-2017, 04:01 AM #3
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Default Re: Torn about gender

Long ago I knew a girl who told me of her travails while in high school; long before transitioning from one sex to another was acceptable, in the late 1970’s.

Like you, she did not like her curvaceous body. She was overly gifted with very large breasts and she concealed her body in baggy jumpers and blouses and dresses, &etc. she had long blonde hair and she feared that she would gain a reputation as a ‘dumb blonde with big tits’ and so she hid her curves, stayed away from the boys and lived an asexual life until college.

During her senior year in high school, she had breast reduction surgery. Her overly large breasts became ‘normal;’ still large but not ridiculously so.

You are saying one thing and then negating the same in the next sentence or paragraph. “I quite enjoy being a female,” and then, “Can’t help but feel like I would be happier if I wasn’t.”

Quite a lot of confusion, what? “Looking cute is pretty fun,” but “I get a kick out of looking like a guy”?

And this whole pronoun dilemma of the 21st century makes me dizzy. It has led to horrors in English grammar as we strive to create a gender-neutral language that makes a lie out of sex and sexual choice.

“What am I?” you ask? Confused, I think. We can agree upon that? I am assuming that you are young and sexually inexperienced? What you describe seems like a true bisexuality where you can be comfortable - happy, even - being either sex. That’s something to think on.

My busty friend became sexually active at university with both men and women. My theory is that she had a fear of being a lesbian as she married a man who, married previously, had lost his wife to a woman. He was not one who would encourage her to continue her bisexuality. She became a complacent suburban working wife wearing Anne Taylor in place of thrift store jumpers.

How old are you? I am not one to assign or accept sexual preferences to 3-year-olds nor to accept or assign preferred gender to those who have not been sexually active. I have had trans lovers of both sexes - trans men and trans women - and others who were more fluid about their gender.

Right now it seems that you revel in your femininity but are excited about being male. The good news is that you are free to choose and that you need not settle on one or the other gender. You can be fluid, you can be both, you can be both: just as you are now.
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Old 12-13-2017, 08:10 PM #4
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Default Re: Torn about gender

Quote:
Originally Posted by ciderguy View Post

You are saying one thing and then negating the same in the next sentence or paragraph. “I quite enjoy being a female,” and then, “Can’t help but feel like I would be happier if I wasn’t.”

“What am I?” you ask? Confused, I think. We can agree upon that? I am assuming that you are young and sexually inexperienced? What you describe seems like a true bisexuality where you can be comfortable - happy, even - being either sex. That’s something to think on.
It comes and goes, for shorter or longer periods - "I like being me, today I can happily be female, wear skirts or dresses, maybe even some makeup" and other times "I just want to be relaxed and cool, come across as more male, just be myself and not care too much, just focus on what's around me instead".

Most of the time it is the latter one, I hide what is feminine and try to just be, I do so by trying to look male and I enjoy it. Looking female is stressful to me, I get hung up on my features feeling like they take away the focus from who I am. The fashion and culture makes me uncomfortable for the most part. I realise I get very self conscious when looking more feminine. Constricting in a way. It is confusing, but I seem to have quite accepting people around me, so I make do.

It wasn't as much a nagging thought until recently when I started working with children. A 3 year old girl who loves everything "girly" and hates wearing trousers thinking they are only for boys. I try to explain that gender doesn't matter and at the same time I can't quite understand myself. I'm only 19 and very inexperienced with most things, and I try to figure things out along the way.

I enjoyed reading your comment and realised a lot of my own confusion didn't really matter. It made me happy. Thank you!
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Old 12-17-2017, 07:47 PM #5
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Default Re: Torn about gender

You know, I’m guessing, that wearing makeup is a little gross? I have been unfortunate, a number of time, and gone in to lick a woman’s face only to taste the foul taste of makeup. I do not believe that makeup makes a woman feminine. I hate makeup.

Some dresses, some skirts, some tailored blouses... look uncomfortable. There are those that don’t and those are usually the short summer pull-over type.

By god, you should revel in being yourself! You’re not a trans-man, I don’t think, just someone seeking to be more comfortable with who you are.

Nothing wrong with that.
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Old 12-18-2017, 03:06 AM #6
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Default Re: Torn about gender

I don't think you need to "identify" yourself, at your young age. Just experiment and have fun.
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Old 12-19-2017, 05:24 AM #7
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Default Re: Torn about gender

I agree - I don’t believe that anyone fits in any niche save their own. And that you fit yourself in your space as broadly as possible.

Yah know, I ran across photos of Neil Young with Darryl Hannah -they are, apparently, lovers. Neil is 128-years-old and Hannah 56-years-old or so. I was taken by her selection of dresses - all looked so very comfortable. My long-ago friend segued into the “Annie Hall” look that bloomed in the late ‘70’s. You can make your own style. Be as mannish as you care to be, as femme as you want. Be both. Or something different, entirely.

I know many people of my age that regret that they weren’t more sexually adventurous in their youth through these older decades. They are bitter. They feel regrets. You don’t want to end up like that, surely?

You’ll find your place but be prepared for a host of places in your life. Don’t get stuck.

By Isis, if I could do it again? Much less academia and a lot more adventure. Much more travel. But always cogently informed sexually.

Good luck in life.
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