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Old 12-02-2017, 11:16 AM #1
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Default How in the world would I ever come out?

I'm tired of being terrified that people are going to figure me out or that I'm going to accidentally out myself. I'm tired of my sexual experiences not fully matching my orientation. I feel like I'm starving.

I have the most hated orientation though so I have no idea to whom it would be safe to be out. I feel like I would be taken as a fraud as I am in a long-term heterosexual relationship so that would erase people's ability to believe I'm anything BUT straight. I just never had great opportunities with the same-sex and yes, I like the heterosexual privilege. I know that makes me awful. But because of the background I came from, I would be much safer if I could pretend to be straight.

And that leaves me with little to no community as I'm not straight and I'm not going to be accepted by the lesbian/gay community because of the sex of my partner.

I'd love to be out so I could be myself and maybe even make friends. Or have my sexual experience match my orientation. But I'm not sure if that's too much to ask? How would one come out if they won't be believed or they will be hated? Do I just continue to keep it to myself and try to find a way to make friends when I can't really be myself and always have to be on guard to always appear straight?

I do have to mention that I came out to a best friend (of about a decade) a few years ago. We're not friends anymore because of her comments that it's fine as long as I never act on it. Well, I never did, but I feel awful and incomplete. I hope she's happy because I'm not.
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Old 12-02-2017, 12:30 PM #2
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Default Re: How in the world would I ever come out?

I don't think the gay community would reject you because you feel safer in a heterosexual relationship. Maybe it depends where your located, but I fell like many would be understanding. Have you tried visiting nearby towns to check out the gay community?
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Old 12-02-2017, 03:19 PM #3
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Smile Re: How in the world would I ever come out?

Well... our situations are different. My (life-long) struggle has been in terms of my gender identity. But I can relate to everything you've written here. Mine is a hugely long story. And I won't bore you with the details. I did sort-of lurch out of the closet, so to speak, for a brief time, a few years ago. But nobody really wanted to know about it. So I just reflexively slunk back into the closet & closed the door. I'm still there. I don't expect to ever come out again.

What I have come to understand, as a result of my own experiences, is that how I handle my gender identity struggle is basically up to me. I can either choose to do what I need to do for myself & damn anybody who doesn't like it (sort-of a full speed ahead & damn the torpedoes approach), or I can continue to struggle day-in & day-out as I always have. I get to choose. In part due to my age, & the fact that my wife has no one else, I'm choosing to just continue to struggle day-in & day-out. I once told a therapist I spoke with briefly a few years ago... I know what my options are. I just don't like any of them. At least for me though hiding in the closet is familiar territory.

I could write a lot more. But basically what I can tell you is that, at least from my perspective, the good news here is you get to choose how you handle this situation. But the bad news also is... you get to choose. And so you have to live with the consequences, both good & bad, either way. I wish you well...
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Old 12-02-2017, 11:48 PM #4
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Default Re: How in the world would I ever come out?

Well it is true that if you decide to come out the gender of your partner will attract attention. What would you expect/plan to happen to your relationship with him if you were to come out?

If you continue to be in a relationship with him, I suspect that people of all orientations will consider you to be unavailable, whether or not they believe that you are gay.

I am guessing that the statement "I am gay but right now I am in a heterosexual relationship" has been said before. Maybe you could call a lesbian/gay hotline and talk things over anonymously with someone who can appreciate the complexity of your situation.
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Old 12-03-2017, 11:32 AM #5
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Default Re: How in the world would I ever come out?

To be clearer than I was in my first post: I identify as bisexual/queer and not gay. I am attracted to men, but the problem is I’m also attracted to women and have never acted on that. Ideally, as much as I like the idea of traditional monogamy, it does cause dissonance between my sexuality and actual sexual experience.

What I’m most afraid of coming out is biphobia. I’ve been able to avoid it pretty well so far, but if I were out, that would be opening myself up to that. I’m not sure how much I would be accepted in LGBT groups outside of specifically bisexual groups because biphobia comes from both sides.
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Old 12-03-2017, 12:37 PM #6
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Default Re: How in the world would I ever come out?

How would coming out as bi affect your current relationship?

How much would you consider an open relationship?

There still might be opportunities to discuss your situation with a knowledgeable person by phone or online or in therapy.
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Old 12-03-2017, 10:32 PM #7
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Default Re: How in the world would I ever come out?

I wish I could do the open relationship thing, but knowing that for him, sex with anyone else would be easier and more satisfying makes it difficult to not get really jealous. I get too nervous about sex and everything feels uncomfortable or downright painful. With everyone else, he's been able to give them an orgasm pretty easily within a reasonable amount of time. I've only had them on my own. So living with that shame doesn't help.

We'll talk to our therapist about it, but there's really two options: either I become straight or I can be alone and not romantically involved with anyone. Probably ever.

I have no idea why I ever thought it would be okay to be in a relationship. I always knew I'd have issues enjoying sex with another person and yet OBSESS about having sex. Which is what I do. I think about sex almost constantly, initiate it, and then become uncomfortable and not enjoy it. Then I take care of myself and just feel empty. Who would want to be involved with someone like that?
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Old 12-03-2017, 10:37 PM #8
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Default Re: How in the world would I ever come out?

I guess I should resolve to just pretend to be straight. I just want to be able to enjoy sex like everyone else and to stop obsessing over it. Maybe it's too much to ask.
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Old 12-04-2017, 02:26 AM #9
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Default Re: How in the world would I ever come out?

I will utter the word that baffles many because it was my first ‘coming out’ description.

Bisexual. I first heard the word from one of my girlfriend’s sisters when I was 16. And that’s how I described and acted upon my sexual (I hate this word) identity. Then, in 2003 or 2004, someone invented the word ‘polyamorous’ and that is one way that I describe myself, now. ‘Poly-queer,’ mostly, sometimes ‘bi-poly.’ Many, most, of my relationships have been with two or three other people and my emotional partnerships have been exclusively with women. In my relationships as one in a coupled partnership - with partners who did not share all of my deviations - I have always made it clear that the relationship would be open.

It has become so much easier to gain acceptance in the LGBTQ community whilst identifying as bisexual these days. It feels as if the dam broke with the new millennium, really. My radical beliefs concerning monogamy set me up as sexually suspect (since the 1970’s! Back when women and men had pubic hair!) and I never was really closeted concerning the sexes of my lovers - running the LGBTQ gamut - but, yes, I assure you, if you choose to be recognized as bisexual you would definitely have the support of the larger queer community.

But I do - as do many others - throw up my hands and question why the asexual (and, in particular, those who are ‘agender,’ who would have us change our use of pronouns or create new pronouns that are gender-denial) would wish to be included with very sexual orientations.

Um. A bit off topic, there. Sorry.

The only... problem... that I could foresee would be the completely un-PC bias amongst some who would question your orientation based upon your complete lack of experience of sex with a woman. The PC reaction says that you can identify as anything you like but the niggling in the frontal cortex might not agree.

I believe that you are placing too much emphasis on your current relationship. You are in couples therapy? Does this man know of your attraction to women? Does he know that you can only achieve orgasm through masturbation? (And, no, he does not get a pass because of prior experiences.)

Why do you believe that your only real choice is this heterosexual monogamous relationship or nothing? That appears to be faulty reasoning. Sexually frustrated and straight or naught? No, I don’t buy that. I don’t believe that you can go from wondering how you can out yourself as bisexual to deciding that you must be straight and miserable without more examination, possibly with other women who share your concerns.

No, no; too quick. You cannot go from misery to misery so quickly. You have too many choices to ponder rather than to choose misery, again, in the span of two or three days.

Take time and imagine what might satisfy you whilst in a loving relationship.
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Old 12-04-2017, 10:51 AM #10
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Default Re: How in the world would I ever come out?

I'm bisexual. I actually came out on facebook. That's my personality though, I am totally comfortable with putting myself out there. I want people to like me for who I am not who they think I am. I've also been with the same man for 14 years and we have kids together. So the average person wouldn't know my sexual orientation unless I told them. In my relationship my spouse has always been willing to bring other women into the bedroom too. He's perfectly fine with my desires.

I just want to reassure you that it's okay to be yourself and ultimately your happiness matters more than anyone's opinion. Life is just too short.
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