Who am I ?

can anyone relate to the following?
I had an early exposure to sex at age 6. I didn’t play with the guys, they wanted to play sports and I was short and not a good player. I don’t remember if there was a crush I had on anyone. The CEN I think played a part in how I was supposed to feel, which went along with my mom’s guilt driven comments and religious upbringing. In 5th grade we were introduced to dressing after PE in the same bathroom with all the guys at once. One guy bent over and his butt was in my face. I said to my detriment “ move I can’t see”. I was surprised I even said that rather than get your butt outa my face.
Two years later I was over at a friends house and didn’t know what to do but ended up just holding each other’s members.

The next time anything with another person sexual happened was someone bought me a lap dance and the dancer took my hand and tried to get me to touch her tits, I pulled my hand back almost violently? I had five or six experiences with the same guy, and was always on the receiving end of things.

With this context, I am very curious about how others would think and would really love some advice and insight??? Please, please please let me know

I can't tell you who you are. That's something you will have to answer yourself. I feel like you want someone to tell you what your sexual orientation is and I can't do that either. I do wish you luck and feel free to keep posting and talking through it. I'm listening.

Have you talked this over with your partner?

Yes, to some extent. She is awesome at trying to understand what I am dealing with but I fear her patience may not be enough for the duration.

I think I am looking for people’s “ah-ha” moments/experiences because I don’t want to end a 22 year relationship 18 year long marriage and then find out “oops, just kidding I’m not really gay or bi” you know? I can say that there is a good chance that I would identify with being either.

It sounds like you’re using your marriage as a safety net. That’s not fair to your spouse, yourself & the relationship.
If you don’t find out it could cause yrs of regret or you can just bury it & pretend it’s not there...neither are good choices.
Other people’s experiences are good for reading, but you will have to in the end, make some decisions & your spouse needs to be informed of everything so you both can see what boundaries you’re going to run into.

And is there a reason why this has come to the surface at this point in your relationship? A trigger?

I am not really sure of a reason. I know my ptsd has been a lot worse, I am desperately trying to hold it all together for the first therapy appt in January. I have been having some flashbacks of both rape experiences and with both uncovered details surfacing. I think it is a question that I have just kept putting way deep down and only no even had the courage to even examine. Let alone accept the answer. If I come to the realization that I am bi or gay, I know my marriage will more likely end. I really don’t like that thought but like you said it isn’t fair to use my wife as a safety net.

I don’t know how I could have been so wrong about myself? CEN maybe? After getting comfortable asking the question to myself and allowing things to flow I can now say that I am bi-sexual leaning towards the gay end of the Kinsey scale.
I still can’t believe I am typing that.

I guess it is said and out there

That's awesome that you are working through it. I am bisexual myself. I get that things aren't always black and white. I was glad to read this though.