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Old 01-15-2018, 04:27 PM #21
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Maybe the roses are because I'm a sweet person and he noticed that. Maybe everyone wants love and affection. Just because he made a comment "my shower is big enough for 2", doesn't mean I buy into that. Some women are like that, he's testing the waters and knows I'm not looking for more than friendship. I'm not judging any woman for wanting sex quickly upon meeting someone. It's all good. If I wanted a romp in the hay with this man, fine. But I don't. And I respect my ex or whatever I end up calling him to be respected enough not to stay with me, if I date someone else. So I should walk away as you say.
His history is a mess like mine. He was abused. He didn't choose his addictions, but continued them. I think it's his way of escaping, not allowing his anger to surface from the things that hurt him in his life. I choose to accept the past, and live in the now. His addiction puts him "in the now", but on a level that he isn't aware of reality. That's what I don't like. I never get to see the real him. The real him is an addict who would have a very hard time even tapering down. I said I don't think I love him. Love is a broad term. I could love my neighbour, like the bible says, that's different. That's called unconditional love. That's reserved for my children.
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Old 01-15-2018, 05:19 PM #22
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Maybe you should be open to seeing each of them and see what happens.
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Old 01-16-2018, 11:19 AM #23
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I'd feel guilty, I already feel guilt for seeing this other man. My bf would end our relationship if I was staying honest like I am being. He loves me. I'm just worried about the future.. and if he and I love each other enough to stay together.
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Old 01-16-2018, 03:16 PM #24
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I do not believe that love is all that counts. It is romantic to believe that love conquers all, but I don't believe it does. Behavior patterns have to be looked at.

I don't think his performance in bed would bother you so much, if you felt securely loved. You say very contradictory things from one post to another. There is no law that says you have to be consistent. I know my emotional mindset towards my guy changes radically from one day to the next. But compare your posts and ask yourself what you really believe.

It's up to you to do whatever you want to do. What I or anyone else thinks is not very important, in the end. Many women have stayed with abusive men because they believed the men loved them, even though they were being treated very badly. The only thing that we know for sure is how someone behaves toward us. We are not mind readers. I would say look at the behavior. I have never heard you describe one loving thing that this man has done for you.

It's also true that there is no law that says you can't love someone, even if they don't love you. You're free to do whatever you want. You don't have to justify yourself to me or anyone else. Two years is long enough to know what a person is about. If I ever said you should walk away from this guy, then I misspoke. It's not for me to tell you what to do.

All I know about this guy is what I've gotten from you. So far I haven't heard even one, single, solitary good thing. You described him as kind, but you don't mention one kind thing he ever did. There seems to be an awful lot of confusion in your posts. That's okay, too. No law says you have no right to be confused. We all get confused, especially regarding relationships.

You say it's about time you have things on your terms. That would be nice. But I don't see how it's going to just happen. But maybe it will. Maybe good things will start happening to you. I hope so.
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Old 01-17-2018, 04:11 AM #25
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the sex thing, yes, even though most of the time I feel loved, not having an orgasm is beyond frustrating.

I know its up to me. I know abused women stay with abusive men.

Yes, his behavior is kind of rude and selfish. He's a drug addict. I learned from the thread titled "Confused", that drug addicts do have certain patterns, such as caring about the drug more than anything, becoming suspicious, etc. He was very stingy but because I no longer put up with that much "stingyness" he has to cough up a few dollars for food etc.

He has kind qualities. I don't know why I don't mention them. I guess because one negative could outweigh all the positives? No, loving someone is not enough to stay with them. There are good reasons for me to leave. I am stubborn, have had enough relationships in life, and would like to see this one work. I can date the other guy, there's no reason not to. If I lose my guy over just seeing a man and not having sex with another man, than I guess he loses me and I him.

Ex. of kind qualities,
: he is thoughtful and emotional about his daughter and grandkids, he never forgets to visit them at least once a month. He loves spoiling them all at Christmas

:he brought me a guitar only a month or so into the relationship

:he thinks of homeless people and donates to them

:he loves to cook, and cooks awesome meals when I'm at his place

:he kisses me often during the day and reminds me that he loves me

:I've seen the softer side of him (this really isn't to do with kindess, but) he can be sensitive and caring

:He took 2 days off last year and offered to take one more, one to help my older son, one for my mothers funeral, and offered to be there for me for the burial.

:He visits his dad and mother at least once a year even though he went through some horrible abuse.

that's enough

I do see how my posts contradict other ones. Maybe I'm not thinking clearly sometimes.

It's very very hard to get to know someone. It took me way too many years to see my ex husband for who he really was, and by then I had no money or way out, and hated myself so much I had no desire to leave.

At least this man doesn't make me hate myself.. He isn't abusive except the push and wanting me to leave... and truthfully he has every right, not to push me to the floor, but to ask me to leave his apartment, not touch his guitars.

RElationships are so complicated I don't know if I want one anymore. I am heading to that soup kitchen in the morning, to get orientated. This is what I want, to feel useful again. Thanks for hoping good things happen for me, I hope this for you as well.
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Old 01-20-2018, 12:50 PM #26
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I know personally that dealing with someone with a drug addiction is difficult. I also know personally of a few women that stay with their drug addicted partner. Im still trying to understand this myself. This reasoning. This rationale. Everyone thinks differently & follows their own philosophies in life. And those can change too.
Everything can change. Hopefully you will find the answers youre looking for. Inside yourself.
Best of luck & no matter what you decide, stay or go, Ill listen & try not to judge.
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