confused. sex-repulsed? maybe not?

i've known for a long time that i'm sex-repulsed due to trauma...
but lately i'm feeling that maybe i'm not anymore, or perhaps i'm somewhere inbetween being sex-repulsed and not.

i masturbate frequently, but i feel like i still don't actually want to have sex.
i'm terrified of the idea of sex, honestly. masturbation itself is still painful, although pleasurable, so i can only imagine how bad sex would be.

i even have specific "kinks" that i find pleasure in, but still, i don't think i actually want to have sex. is that weird?

so i guess i would refer to myself as asexual since i don't have much desire for sex... but something about me still wonders and thinks i might like to at least try it... but i'm still terrified of the notion and i doubt i'll ever actually have the courage to try it after all that's happened to me.

the trauma makes me feel guilty for having any sexual thoughts or desires at all... it'll probably be years before i actually find myself attempting anything, if i ever do at all.

i'm just really confused and unsure of how i should deal with such a situation. it's like. i want to do things, but at the same time i don't. i'm scared.

Well... at the risk of suggesting the obvious... perhaps this is something you might delve into with a skilled mental health therapist. (Perhaps you're already seeing someone?) Of course, there's certainly nothing wrong with being asexual if that's the way you feel & you're comfortable with it. It's the uncertainty you seen to have, plus the apparent link to the trauma you experienced that may be of concern.

I do recall reading a reply to another post related to the topic of asexuality, written by a PC member who is knowledgeable on the subject. The replier wrote that it is common for asexual individuals to wonder about sex. Apparently it's not unusual for asexual persons to watch porn in an effort to gain some insight into the whole realm of sexuality. So perhaps what you're doing might, from that vantage point, be seen simply as your way of approaching or developing an understanding of sexuality? Clearly I don't know. I'm just guessing here.

Anyway... here's a link to an article from PsychCentral's archives on the subject of asexuality. Perhaps it may be of interest:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/singl...dea-about-sex/

i am seeing a therapist right now, actually. i haven't gathered the courage to mention this to her yet, but i plan to... eventually.
things are going really slow with her, but we're making some decent progress lately. (tho i don't get to see her as often as i'd like...)

i'm very off and on on actually considering myself an asexual? like. i guess i don't really have a desire for sex at all, so that fits the bill.
i guess the trauma factor makes me feel like maybe it's just a trauma thing and after i heal a bit from it, maybe i'd actually be interested.
but, idk, the more i think abt it, the more i just... don't like the idea of having sex.
i know part of it is the trauma, but i wonder how much of it is really that.

and that article really is kind of helpful actually, seeing that i'm not the only sex-repulsed person that actually looks into sexual things from time to time.

By the way... I don't know, of course, if the trauma you refer to was related to childhood abuse. But I thought I would just mention a therapist who uploads videos onto YouTube on the subject. Her name is Peggy Oliviera, MSW. Here's a link to her YouTube channel:

https://www.youtube.com/user/PeggyOliveiraLCSW