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Old 01-26-2018, 11:13 AM #1
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Default Convos about fetish constantly.

Hey there. I feel really bad for posting this but I would like some feedback, please.So I was wondering if anyone here knew someone who spoke about their fetish a LOT? I'm having an issue with a good friend who is constantly talking about their fetish. I listen to them because it really bothers them that they can't live out his fetish 24/7 (it's literally impossible) and I understand how it feels to have body issues (I have really bad gender dysphoria; I"m trans). And I also talk to them about my gender identity issues, so that makes me feel horrible when it comes to the idea of confronting them.

I told them before that talking about my own kinks makes me feel uncomfortable because of my childhood sexual abuse and they understand that, but the fetish conversations are becoming too much.

It got to the point where they spoke about it a lot when we went out for my birthday and they got turned on because I was doing something for my physical health as I take my medication around with me. I always have to calm them down when they talk about it because it gives them severe anxiety and I actually had to do that on my birthday. That was the last straw for me. They are seeing a therapist and so am I, but it iss getting really hard to deal with.

He doesn' talk about it with his other friends, just me and his girlfriend, and hisgirlfriend is getting tired of it, so he just has me.

I feel like a bad friend for wanting to confront him because he listens to me, but my birthday was the last straw. I won't talk about my gender identity issues to him after I confront him because I don't want the relationship to be unbalanced.

I feel quite bad for posting this but I honestly didn't know where else to turn to, as I wanted to know other people's personal experiences.

Has anyone ever had a friend who spoke about their fetish constantly? If so, what did you do? How'd you handle the situation?

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Old 01-27-2018, 06:57 PM #2
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Smile Re: Convos about fetish constantly.

I read your post yesterday but didn't reply because I doubted I had anything to offer of any consequence. However, at this point, since no one has replied to your post I thought I would. In my case, I don't have any friends. So... no... I've never had any friends who talk about their fetish constantly... or anything else for that matter.

I noticed, however, that you mentioned you have really bad gender dysphoria. And this is something I'm all too familiar with. I'm an older person now. But gender identity has been a lifelong struggle for me. And even now, at this late stage in my life, I still feel an almost overwhelming need to talk about it.

A few years ago, I got to know several YouTubers who were transitioning (MtF). And being involved with them gave me an outlet. However the little MtF trans community that existed on YouTube at the time has pretty-much gone by the wayside now. So I no longer have anyone to talk to & I just keep it all to myself.

From my perspective, I think the situation you describe is a matter of boundaries. You simply have to decide (as it sounds like you have) what you can & can't tolerate, communicate those limits, & enforce them. (There are lots of internet articles on the subject of boundaries, as well as videos on YouTube. Family therapist Kati Morton has one.) And, of course, in turn, as you already realize, you must reciprocate by not discussing your own issues.

The problem with this, of course, is that it closes off one opportunity you have to talk about your gender identity issues. Hopefully you have others. (Perhaps you're transitioning or at least receiving some gender-identity-related therapy?) But, if not, I hope you will try to figure out some other way of talking about your trans issues. Because I know, from personal experience, how difficult it is to just keep it all bottled up. I wish you well...
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Old 01-27-2018, 07:29 PM #3
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Default Re: Convos about fetish constantly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
I read your post yesterday but didn't reply because I doubted I had anything to offer of any consequence. However, at this point, since no one has replied to your post I thought I would. In my case, I don't have any friends. So... no... I've never had any friends who talk about their fetish constantly... or anything else for that matter.

I'm sorry you don't have any friends that you can talk to...It can be difficult when you don't have people to talk to, about specific things or in general.

I noticed, however, that you mentioned you have really bad gender dysphoria. And this is something I'm all too familiar with. I'm an older person now. But gender identity has been a lifelong struggle for me. And even now, at this late stage in my life, I still feel an almost overwhelming need to talk about it.

A few years ago, I got to know several YouTubers who were transitioning (MtF). And being involved with them gave me an outlet. However the little MtF trans community that existed on YouTube at the time has pretty-much gone by the wayside now. So I no longer have anyone to talk to & I just keep it all to myself.

Gender dysphoria is awful and I wish you didn't experience it either...There is actually a decent about of MTF trans guys on youtube but the problem is that they're a younger generation. I mean, I'm young myself (26) but they're teenagers or late teenagers, you know? I know of people who are QTPOC, like myself, but I'm not friends with them. My bad social anxiety doesn't help either. =/ I want to try to go to some meet up groups but I tried before and I need someone to come with me or else I'll be a mess.

From my perspective, I think the situation you describe is a matter of boundaries. You simply have to decide (as it sounds like you have) what you can & can't tolerate, communicate those limits, & enforce them. (There are lots of internet articles on the subject of boundaries, as well as videos on YouTube. Family therapist Kati Morton has one.) And, of course, in turn, as you already realize, you must reciprocate by not discussing your own issues.

You're right. I think boundaries are very important. I know Kati Morton. I'm suscribed to her channel. I like her a lot. I'll look up some stuff on boundaries because I need to know that for all areas of my life. And I'm already prepared for not discussing my gender identity with him. It's something that I have dealt with alone for my whole life. No one understands what I go through and, while I can talk about it with a few people, they really don't know what else to say besides, "I'm sorry you're dealing with that". I had ONE person who actually asked me questions and had convos with me about it, but she and I cut ties a while ago for many reasons.

The problem with this, of course, is that it closes off one opportunity you have to talk about your gender identity issues. Hopefully you have others. (Perhaps you're transitioning or at least receiving some gender-identity-related therapy?) But, if not, I hope you will try to figure out some other way of talking about your trans issues. Because I know, from personal experience, how difficult it is to just keep it all bottled up. I wish you well...

I'm beginning to transition a little bit (currently trying to get top surgery but navigating the system here is a bit tricky, especially since I'm nonbinary and I don't want to go on testosterone). And I'm in the process of finding another therapist since my old therapist left the center I go to. It is very difficult to keep it bottled up inside. I do that a lot and it is very lonely. Intersectionality is a big deal, too, because being black and queer and trans is so very difficult.
Thank you so very much for responding in a kind way. I appreciate it, and I wish you all the best as well. I know how difficult it can be when you have gender dysphoria.
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Old 01-27-2018, 11:02 PM #4
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Default Re: Convos about fetish constantly.

Hmm. My trunk is loaded with fetishes but I donít speak of one or the other 24/7 but still... I donít think that I can comment without knowing the fetish that this young man has?

Is there a reason that you canít disclose the fetish? Is it worse than, fer instance,
Possible trigger:


I really enjoy cauliflower and Cheez-Whiz but I donít speak of it 24/7. I also enjoy some sexual practices that others might feel immoral (or gross...). If you could just name the fetish, it would help.
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Last edited by CANDC; 02-09-2018 at 11:01 PM.
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