The Story of My Sexuality

I am writing mainly because I've never spoken of this to anyone and I thought it might be nice to take advantage of the online anonymity. This is the story of my sexuality and may be quite long.

I would classify myself as an asexual if asked and have done so for four years, as that is when I learned of the title. I do not desire an intimate-sexually or romantically-relationship with any person whatever. I've never looked at a person and thought "I would love for this person to constantly invade my personal space and get their bodily fluids all over the furniture." Kissing scenes in film disgust me and sex scenes seem completely dull.

However, there was a time in which I would refer to myself as "bisexual". I had a bisexual acquaintance in middle-school and when she offered a definition, it seemed to fit well. I like boys and girls; therefore I am bisexual. I, at the time, was thinking of who I would most like as a friend and because that really depended upon the individual, I could not use sex as a factor. She, however, was speaking of sexual attraction. I was not. I've never been sexually attracted to men. The thought of interacting with a penis seems bizarre and unpleasant.

I reiterate: I've never had a sexual attraction towards men. There was, however, a time in which I felt those universal "funny feelings" towards women. I first experienced these feelings as a child, somewhere between third and fourth grade (between the ages of 8 and 9), however, they became stronger during adolescence. I remember feeling very ashamed and trying-very successfully, mind-never to tell anyone about these awful, awful thoughts. This feeling of shame seems unfounded. My parents certainly never spoke about how horrendous homosexual people were. Perhaps I underestimate the influence of seemingly-harmless media stereotypes and statements made by relatives and peers. I recall the girls in my fifth-grade gym class becoming very irrationally worried over two alleged lesbians in the locker room. They would talk about them as though they might jump out from behind the lockers and finger them mercilessly. I didn't make a connection between these girls-who happened to be my friends-and myself. I thought "Why on earth does it matter if they're lesbians?" I didn't think "Oh my, I have lesbian tendencies. I now feel ashamed because my peers are excluding and ridiculing these two girls because they may be lesbians." I didn't have lesbian tendencies like these girls might have-I had awfully shameful thoughts. I never even thought to play with the title "lesbian". There was nothing wrong with lesbians and their feelings, however there was clearly something wrong with my attraction towards women because I was not a lesbian.

Even when I had bisexual friends with whom I could talk about an attraction to girls freely, I still refused to let myself acknowledge said attraction. I was "pretending" when I spoke of this topic and for that I felt very guilty. I did feel truly guilty because I worried I didn't actually find women attractive. This, of course, was silly, as I did and had for years by that point. Perhaps this fear was an odd form of denial. Perhaps convincing myself that I was misleading them was easier than accepting that these thoughts occurred. Perhaps referring to myself as "bisexual" seemed more acceptable to me because I was at least half straight. But I've never liked men.

I've had "crushes" on boys in grade-school, but I did so because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Girls had crushes on boys. I would like a boy, but I didn't want to kiss or hold-hands, and I certainly didn't want to be their girlfriend. These crushes occurred prior to the arrival of my aforementioned "awful, awful thoughts".

What I said of my current non-existent sexual preferences remain true and it is this fact which confuses me. I have no desire to have an intimate relationship with any person, but I cannot deny that my "naughty thoughts" as a young person only ever involved females. I, as well, can't deny the length for which I had these thoughts. I've begun to wonder if I've perhaps suppressed my sexuality from shame.

The fact that I feel ashamed is odd as well. I've spent a significant portion of my life arguing with my benevolently homophobic family members. "Benevolently homophobic" refers to those who claim to "love the sinner and hate the sin". They say they've no issue with their "life-style choice" but are vehement that they shouldn't be allowed to marry and that businesses have a right to discriminate against them. I've argued against every stupid, hateful, stereotype-driven statement I've come across. Why, then, do I feel so ashamed of my past (and possibly present) lesbian tendencies? I don't think lesbians are immoral.

. I was able to "come out" as bisexual and as asexual which, I feel best describes me at the moment. Asexuality offers no problems past the usual annoying questions and adamant claims that I "will find someone" and "change my mind". Coming out as bisexual was quite nerve-wracking and I only did so to my brothers, but, still, I could tell someone. I've only just allowed myself to acknowledge that I experienced these thoughts. It's still very difficult for me to accept that I sometimes still have them and that when I masturbate I sometimes think of women. Sex scenes between a man and woman seem dull, but I find the image of two women intertwined erotic. I've never even allowed myself to think the previous two statements. I've certainly never told anyone and the thought of anyone knowing truly frightens me.

There was no point to this long story. I am perfectly content being single, as it is quite comfortable. I suppose it is just nice to share something I've been hiding for 15 years.

Thanks for sharing this. I'm an old man now. But I've had a life-long struggle with gender identity disorder. It began so early in my life, before I even have any useful memories, that I have no idea where it came from or why. But, anyway, in my own way, I found a number of things you mentioned in your post to be familiar. It would require a long reply for me to go into detail. So I'll spare you that. But I just wanted to let you know I read your post & appreciated what you shared.

Thank you very much for being very kind.
As silly as I know it to be, even admitting these things to myself was terrifying. It was, and still is, a lot easier to be a straight or an asexual person who just so happens to sometimes have perverted thoughts than to admit I may have lesbian tendencies. I struggle to write "be a lesbian" even now.
I would love to read the similarities you found in your own story, so if you would like please don't hesitate to share.