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DapperChapper
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Confused Feb 25, 2018 at 05:34 PM
  #1
I’ve never had a high sex drive, but over the last couple of years I’ve noticed it decrease pretty steadily, so that now it’s almost non-existent. Indeed, the idea of sexual intimacy with someone makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable at the moment. I’ve wondered whether there has been a change to my sexuality over this time, but what I find hard to determine is whether my sexuality has been influenced/determined by other factors, e.g. I’ve struggled with stress and negativity over the last couple of years and I wonder whether this has had an adverse effect on how my sexuality has changed. Alternatively, has my changing sexuality caused a negative impact on my mood? (I don’t know)

I’ve been trying to pin down what my sexuality is for quite a while and I have a few guesses as to what it might be. These are the 3 best guesses I have, although, of course, it may be something else I haven’t thought of:
- Heterosexual with a (very) low sex drive
- Asexual
- Heterosexual with a fear of (sexual) intimacy

I’m wondering what (if any) of these (most) accurately describe me and my sexuality. Assuming I’m able to get a description/definition I believe accurately describes me, what do I do from there? What CAN I do from there? Even if I get a better understanding of myself, will I just feel uncomfortable about sex for the rest of my life? I really don’t know what to do.

Any advice/comments appreciated. As usual I've probably rambled the unimportant stuff and missed something vital, so, if anyone has any questions etc. feel free to ask.
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Smile Feb 26, 2018 at 04:08 PM
  #2
I recall replying to a couple of your previous posts on this subject. So, if I simply repeat the same advice, please forgive me. The first thing I would suggest is to get yourself checked out medically... including a possible appointment with an endocrinologist, to make sure there's not something going on with you hormonally that is causing your low sex drive.

Beyond that, I think what's called for here is some time spent with a therapist who is experienced in working with clients who have sexuality-related concerns. My personal opinion is there is no way any of us, here on PC, can tell you what it is that may be going on with you. This is something you will have to discover for yourself by working, at length & in depth, with a skilled therapist. Believe me, I know how complicated this sort of thing can be as I've had a life-long struggle with gender identity dysphoria.

One thing I know is that the sorts of problems you describe tend to feed on themselves. You begin to experience some problems & that causes you to become concerned. And then the concern you have causes even more problems. It can become a downward spiral. Perhaps this is the sort of thing you're experiencing. But the only way to know for certain, I suspect, is going to be to do the work you need to do in therapy. I wish you well...

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Default Mar 09, 2018 at 06:15 AM
  #3
Thank you for your response.

Unsurprisingly, I didn’t expect to find a solution to one of my biggest problems in my first few posts on an internet forum. However, I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable discussing this problem with, so, when I take the time to put my thoughts down into words, I feel better posting it online (rather than not at all), as I feel that I’ve at least discussed it with someone, rather than keeping it to myself. There’s always the off-chance that someone will respond with something useful. I don’t expect a quick fix to my problems. Obviously I don’t want to bother people with my issues, but I do find it difficult knowing what to do sometimes. Hence why I’m treating this a little like a support group (or similar), where I just have a chance to vent/get things off my chest.

Update: I had intended to post the above much sooner, but life got in the way and I kept getting distracted etc. Today, however, I went to see my doctor. I have been recommended to have some blood tests and, depending on the results of them, I may be referred to another clinic. I’ll have to wait and see for that.
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Default Mar 09, 2018 at 04:33 PM
  #4
Do you have someone you can be intimate with? If you do, and they are willing to help, I would suggest checking out Sensate Focus online. But do not attempt to have an orgasm. After doing this several times hopefully you become aroused. I was wondering the same about myself recently. I was just about to purchase a black (or Ace) ring. This ring is a symbol of asexuality.

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"I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days, I always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, feeling too much."

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ReptileInYourHead
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Default Mar 09, 2018 at 05:25 PM
  #5
Have you experimented with what turns you on?
Do short films with sexual interaction do anything for you? Usually call it porn, but it sounds nicer the way I said it.
What turned you on in the past?
Obviously, no need to answer if it’s too personal.
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Default Mar 24, 2018 at 07:05 AM
  #6
Another delay of a couple of weeks, but I'm back again!

There is no one else in my life (in that romantic/sexual/intimate sense). I mean, it's been over a year and a half since I've even been on a date. On one level I’m not really happy being single, but, at the same time, I think it’s for the best right now. I honestly don’t know how I’d feel if there was someone else in my life; I may even feel more distraught at the idea that I couldn’t be who they wanted me to be. It’s such a common (natural?) thing to have/want sex, so it’s likely that almost anyone I meet would have a sex drive higher than mine. The idea of not being able to give them what they want just makes me feel miserable. So, yeah, I’d rather not remain single until … an unknown date in the future when this problem has been resolved (or I feel I’ve made progress with it), but I don’t see any other solution here.

Naturally I'm aware of porn, but I've honestly never seen the appeal of it. Why exactly would I want to watch two (or more) other people have sex? What do people get out of this? As for what gets me going, I honestly don’t know now (it’s been so long after all). I used to think it was an existing emotional connection that would help me feel an attraction to someone (I still consider an emotional connection to someone a prerequisite), but I have no idea what it would take now. I can look at people (whether they be male or female) and think that they’re objectively attractive, but I never imagine myself doing anything sexual to them. Genuinely, how can I experiment with what (if anything) turns me on? Porn just isn’t my thing. What else is there?
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