so confused, need help finding a label

so i'm an 18 year old female, whose been flip-flopping between identities for years, as a result, i've never had a relationship of any sort, i've never pursued anyone and i've never said yes to anyone because i just didn't know what i wanted. I feel like i'm getting closer, after trying out every sexual identity under the sun.

Girls make me happy, i see a future with a girl, i want to be in a relationship with a female however i'm not sexually attracted to females (as far as i know of, again, i have no experiences, we were only taught heterosexual sex ed at school (bordering on abstinence-only) and i've never been interested in watching porn, i've lived a very sheltered life so far and i don't think its helped). i am however (i think at least) sexually attracted to males, however, despite having many 'crushes' on males back when i was a hormone filled 13 year old, it only now applies to random strangers, celebrities or a theoretical male iv'e made up in my head, who's physically 'perfect' and never has a face or identity of any kind. It feels like its just some sort of reproductive instinct based around the idea of survival of the fittest to be honest, however i could just be guessing that.

As far as i'm aware, im not really romantically attracted to males, whenever i hug my male friends i feel nothing but platonic love for them and i cant imagine kissing or cuddling with a dude (although the idea of kissing and making out does frighten me a lot, but it seems like id prefer this idea with a female). As a very young child, before i knew about sex, i wanted to "be a boy so could marry a girl instead" and didn't understand why everyone was suddenly pairing up at the ages of 5-13.

When we did learn about sex it became more complex, we were taught that sex was meant for having children, i hated the idea, i swore that id never have kids, i didn't like the idea of anyone anywhere near my private parts at all. This carried on until i was 13, where i started getting 'crushes' on guys.

It was always either people my friends liked, or people i thought liked me and i cant remember what i thought when i was crushing on them, i thought about sex a lot but it was always in a "i don't want to be doing this but my mum wants grandkids so here goes" sort of way, and i remember that well, i only remember actually crushing on one of them for longer than a month and he was good looking, a bit of a jock, my friends liked him and mot importantly, into me, it was almost as if i had to like him. I remember a lot of my crushes in my younger years were me picking a random person id had an awkward interaction with and scrutinising whether or not i liked them until i had convinced myself that i did.

After developing a crush on a girl for the first time when i was 15, that lasted a whopping 3 years, up until recently. Over that time i considered i was bi, asexual, pan, aromantic (in denial at that point oops) and a lesbian. Now that crush is over, i'm still attracted to girls but i'm very confused. I know id be fine on the receiving end of sex with another girl but i don't know how id feel about giving it, its a very alien idea to me.

When it comes to guys, i'm much more familiar with the idea, it was talked about every year at school and i know all about it, so it seems more appealing to me, i just cant imagine myself even hooking up with a male, even if i may want to, and find them attractive, i cant see myself wanting to do it, i experience sexual and (very minimal) romantic attraction to males, i just have no interest whatsoever in acting on it. Females on the other hand, i would love a long term relationship with a girl, its just the idea of sex seems strange and foreign and i'm wondering if the crush i had on this girl was just a friendcrush (we were admittedly quite close anyway) and that now i'm just pretending to be a lesbian because its a label that i'm comfortable with.

I am crushing on another girl now, however i don't really know her and i don't fantasise about her or anything, i just really want to ask her out on a date and get to know her better, and i feel like i have to do this before any actual emotional or romantic interest is formed. I feel like maybe i have to be romantically involved with a girl before any kind of sexual attraction is formed too, but thats just a guess.

Is this normal? I don't feel valid as a lesbian because of my sexual attraction (not interest) in males and my lack of immediate attraction beyond a crush to females and am wondering if theres a label that will work for me, i know some people will want to say that i shouldn't label myself but i'm a big fan of order and labels, and like to have words to help e understand things so trying not to use a label really frustrates me. Sorry this is so long and badly formatted, i hope its still readable

I’m going to step on my soap box here bec I’m older, may have some wisdom...& see this question asked so much here.

My first question is where is this proverbial “box” & on what form you’re filling out that you need to put your sexual preferences as a label? I’m hoping it’s not for school or work. But this trend I’ve seen in younger generation is this burning desire for a “label.” Like there’s all these checkmarks that need to be made....am I missing an app here?????

There’s an urgency in the teens yrs to have a sexual label & completely have sex all figured out....first. Where is the fun in that??? Stop overthinking an innate desire that has populated this blue marble we live on. Sex has been around since the beginning of time & hasn’t changed in its core principles.

Please give yourself a break & dare yourself to go without a “label.” It keeps people guessing & curious!

What does this label get you if you’re not sure what you are, besides a place to fit in. And isn’t this ultimately what a label does? It draws lines & alienates others; it excludes instead of includes. Sexual desires, preferences, libidos all change as we grow & age so why would you wanto pigeon hole yourself into a label?
If not just for the sake of “fitting in.” And I see this in my own family, not just on here.

Then it’s stated you don’t have sexual experiences & im certainly NOT condoning anyone to go out & purposely have sex just for the sake of experience. But maybe just let yourself experience things based on what feels good in the present. Not “what if” statements or “I think maybe”, analyzing & over analyzing etc. I can see where this just leads to massive confusion for young adults when this part is supposed to be enjoyable!! FUN!

I don’t understand this.
Maybe a younger person could explain it to me.

Why can’t sexual preferences, labels etc be compared to water. Water will take the shape of whatever it’s given. It moves & always flows. It changes the landscape of our lives as it erodes us, but also feeds us. We can’t live without water.

Off soapbox.

@patagonia Because if your stressed and confused because you don't fit into the one big box we're all tought to be (cis, hetero) a label can calm you down and make you feel more normal and part of a community. I can see why not everybody likes it, but I can also see why some need it (be it forever or temporary). So everybody should do what feels good. Does that make any sense outside my head? XD

@Froglover22 If it eases you for the moment, you could stay at bi. This would include your attraction to multiple genders without having to specify whether this attraction is physical, or romantical, or sensual, or .. At least where I live, the bi community is very open about this kind of stuff (and would definitly see this as valid part of a bi identity). Btw I kind of like that you changed you lables. You are constantly learning about yourself (as annoying it sometimes is) ^^

When I was much younger (teens) I was “labeled” mentally ill. I guess this came as a comfort bec I didn’t fit anywhere.
In hindsight it’s the worst label I ever had & have carried it for over 40 yrs. along with many other labels from my youth when I I was still figuring things out.
Maybe I just hate the word “label.”

Is there a sexual label called, “Exploring?”.....Or TBA?” Can you find a welcoming community just based on other people’s friendship or personalities & not based on their sexual identity? I would hope a community would accept anyone, but maybe this is where my age comes into play & I don’t understand.

Maybe it reminds me of the stigma of going to college as “undeclared” when others knew their majors. Then not realizing that close to 80% of freshmen change their majors.

I just do not like labels bec they lead to stereotypes which are usually wrong about a person.

Not having sexual or romantic experiences or be somewhat confused at 18 is perfectly normal. What’s the rush?

I think there are a lot of communities where your sexual orientation doesn't matter. We have a small "queer" community here and I don't know if or what labels the others have (don't care either), they somehow feel that they belong and that's all that matters.

But sometimes you might want to reach out to others with similar experiences specific in this context. I mean, this whole forums existance is because of this.
And if you want a label to look into specific topics or have good access to ressources, I don't see the harm. This doesn't mean you need a label, but if it helps - why not?

I'm all against stereotyping, but I have a problem if I'm not allowed to self identify myself because others can't deal with it.

I'm sorry to hear about the stigma you faced! Don't know if it's an age thing or a local thing. At least when I was in school, most didn't knew what to do after graduation.
But I was a cast out because I didn't fit with neither the girls, nor the boys and labeling myself genderqueer gave me access for understanding myself and reaching out to a loving community with a sense of belonging that I never felt before.