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Handymanrock
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Frown Mar 15, 2018 at 12:04 PM
  #1
My wife and I have been married for 8+ years. 3 kids and a I thought a very happy marriage. Out of the blue I get "Your asn amazing husband and father but suck in bed" speech from her. She has been completely faking sexual interest for our whole marriage. Didn't tell me in the beginning she was into "kinky" stuff. I'm not into it and don't enjoy it but apparently she needs it bad and has been hiding it from me for years.... I'm lost and my pride is more than smashed. We have talked, and she can walk around all day and act like nothing is wrong. But I can't even touch her anymore...she thinks it's headed to us going separate ways and I don't want that. I think she doesn't either but feels trapped now. How can I get a spark again?? All other aspects of our lives are in order and going good.
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Default Mar 17, 2018 at 11:23 AM
  #2
I see this is your first post. Welcome to PC.
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Heart Mar 18, 2018 at 05:10 PM
  #3
Welcome to PC

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
This is a large site. Please take a look around at all of the places you might participate. Please make yourself at home here. Jump in wherever you feel led to do so.

I am sorry there are incompatibilities between you and your wife. We can feel very deceived when those we are closest to are not honest with us in the beginning. You sound a bit shocked; I would be, too, if my partner had kept such information from me.

I strongly suggest couples counseling. I think it's possible to work things out between the two of you. Coupling involves compromise at times, and I think you both can find a common ground, with some help/support from a couples counseling professional.

I wish you healing-- for you and for your marriage.


WC

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May we each fully claim the courage to live from our hearts, to allow Love, Faith and Hope to enLighten our paths.
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Default Mar 18, 2018 at 08:35 PM
  #4
Maybe you've found yourself at a crossroad. I know after a nine year relationship I had to do some soul searching because after all those years of being with someone i had neglected myself, and there wasn't much to love about me. I parted ways with the love of my life and I started to work out, became a vegetarian, went to college and got a degree, started reading voraciously. I was reborn, stronger than ever. I'm not saying you need a split, but maybe it's time to do a shakeup, and learn more about your deep passions, work out more, read a few books a month, search for more music you haven't listened to before.

You have to be happy with you, too. And if you're not flourishing then I think that's reason to be concerned. Push your emotions, push your mind, push your body, but leave some down time too. If she doesn't admire that kind of motivation then so be it.

I'm sorry this is happening man.
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Default Mar 22, 2018 at 02:29 AM
  #5
First, I’m sorry this is happening. I have 3 kids married for 21 years. The last nine have been miserable. My wife claims she is physically attracted to me yet she never initiates, flirts, or does anything I ask. I have been diagnosed with psychogenic anorgasmia meaning I can go for hours trying to have an orgasm with her, but can easily have one with manual
Stimulation. I have been to counselors and therapists for nine years and had very little improvement. I know I love her, but I desire physical demonstrates intimacy. (For those of you who may think I am not reciprocating “her” needs, she has said in and out of therapy that I fulfill her needs and if she develops a new one, I address it. She admits freely that I am an attentive loving husband who sexually fulfills her. Meanwhile, her contribution is to agree to sex whenever I ask. It’s like having a willing sex slave who could not care less about what is happening. This has made me feel completely worthless as a man and has destroyed my masculinity.

Here are some common themes that I find in all of these forums-
1. She is exhausted due to (insert issue, like kids or job etc) however, when it is something important to her, she has energy, excitement, and enthusiasm to spare. My advice for any woman claiming exhaustion is this- any physical effect such as fatigue that is chronic is a medical issue that should be addressed. I spent thousands of dollars on childcare to ensure we went on a romantic date once per week to avoid burn out for both of us. I also took on most of the household chores and night duty with the infants even though I had a full time job.

2. Claims that she isn’t attractive- this too is common and again, my experience has simply meant she has had umpteen diet fads, gym memberships, and wardrobes of clothes, many of which I picked for her as gifts. We are in granny panties now that are old and frankly, disgusting. But if I pick out underwear that might be like a conservative brief, because I see her as sexy, it gets thrown out.

3. Different sex needs- in your case she seems like she wants different. You seem uncomfortable. Here is an area I would ask you this- do you have direct experience that you cannot stand what she desires? If you don’t, she interprets that as shame, and rejection. There is a sex compatibility quiz. You both take it separately and it only shows the results where you both agree. In my case, I want my wife to be more assertive. She will not even try.

4. Kids...this is my biggest regret. Here is why. I love my family- kids wife dog the whole thing. But for nine years I have been miserable. This has taken a toll. Only now do I see it clearly. I am sarcastic, quiet, and everyone thinks I am angry when I just listen as I don’t think people are much interested in me. My regret is that I spent tens of thousands of dollars on therapy, from personal when she was convinced I was the problem, to couples, to her individual, to sex therapy that she compromised by not following agreed to work. The time spent working on these problems caused issues at work, and stole time from my kids. It also robbed me of having an intimate relationship with someone who was willing to fulfill my need of physical attraction/intimacy. My regret is that I didn’t leave her 10 years ago avoiding all of this mess. I would have at least avoided the emotional distress caused by this and perhaps have a more meaningful and deep relationship with others and my kids. They walk around on eggshells because they know we are not well, and that makes me sad. So if you are staying for the kids, think really hard about that. Mine are getting ready to leave for their lives, and it hurts me to realize all that I missed because of the hours in therapy, the money I could have spent on experiences, and perhaps even finding the right person for me.

5. Think hard about what is the break even situation that you would feel fulfilled and safe to have with her. Then make absolutely sure that is possible. If there is anything that causes pause, listen to that. I have been on so many of these boards relative to these issues and frankly, none end well. Honestly, I am an anomaly. I am 48 years old, I have an irreversible vasectomy, and there is little to no chance that I will ever be able to have a life fulfilled now. I wish you well, and hope things work for you, but also think this is an opportunity to find someone who is at least a partner in physical intimacy. I have not had that, and it doesn’t look like I will. That is the most lonely thing in the world- I leave you with this- lonely is t the lack of friends or relationships. Lonely is not being understood by those who supposedly love you.
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