I need advice, please help

Alright, I guess I should start by saying I'm a 17-year-old junior in high school. I have friends that I like and a pretty good family. They all pretty much know I'm lesbian at this point, or at least that's what they've labeled me. And they don't have much of a problem with it. I don't know if any of that is actually relevant so sorry for wasting your time if it isn't. I don't know if what I feel is gender dysphoria. It's so hard to describe but I'll try. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable as a girl. And in these times I imagine how amazing it would feel to be a guy, just the thought of it comforts me so much. I don't hate being a girl though. I don't really get the fashion and I don't wear makeup but it's what I'm used to. It's what everyone else is used to too. Sometimes I get dreams of where I'm a guy, and, sorry if TMI, but when these dreams are involuntary I usually wake up feeling sexually excited. I don't know if that means maybe I've got a drag fetish or what. If I could change how I was born, I would, without a doubt, rather be reborn a boy. I get so jealous of the way boys act around each other, their friendships, their fashion, their bodies, their facial hair, and yes their dicks. I don't consider myself insanely ugly or anything but I 100% don't think I could ever have the confidence I could in a guy body. And confidence or lack thereof, is my main fault in life, no matter what I do, it's always a problem. But I can't help to think things could be different if I were a guy. And I've considered transitioning. I run into a big problem though, one that I'm sure all people who transition run into. I don't know if I can bear the thought of my family and friends looking at me differently. Even if they all accepted it completely (which isn't very likely) it would still be different. I almost wish I could just block everyone I know out of my life and just start over. I wish I could kill off the version of me everyone knows. But I also don't because I have so many god damn memories. Good and bad but all the same, I don't know how I could just forget about them. That's really my situation. That and I have no idea if this is what I really want. I hate dressing up in guy clothes as a girl because I don't find it attractive and I don't have short hair for the same reason. But if I could really look and sound like a guy. Everything would be different. It's just so much to think about and I want to know if anyone has ever felt this same way and if they think I can overcome either constantly wishing I was a guy or overcome rewriting my entire past image and starting over. Thanks for your time, it means a lot. I haven't told this to anyone and it's been a lot to keep in.

Well... I'm a guy (sort-of) To be more exact... I'm an old man. But I've waged a life-long struggle with gender identity dysphoria. I never did anything about it. For most of my life, I didn't really imagine there was anything I could do about it. And, along with my GID issues, I've also struggled with depression & an ocean-liner's-worth of anxiety. So, although my gender identity issues were in the opposite direction from yours (MtF rather than FtM) I still know a lot, I believe, about what you are experiencing.

In my case, one the conundrums I've struggled with was what came first. Was I born with gender identity issues (as current thinking on the subject suggests) & my inability to do anything about it caused me to develop clinical depression & overwhelming anxiety? Or were my GID issues simply one aspect of a more overarching mental illness that also included depression & anxiety? My inclination, at this late stage of my life, is to say it was the latter. But I really don't know. And, at this point, I never will. All I can say is that my struggles with all three started very early in my life... back before I even have any reliable memory.

The other thing I can say, with regard to all of this is that my battles with GID, depression & anxiety went a long way toward helping me to make a real mess of my life. I did try seeing a few different therapists during my later decades. But it was all just too little too late. But the thing is, in your case, it's not at all too late. You have plenty of time to figure this all out! But, at least from my perspective, what is really going to be important for you is for you to find an experienced gender therapist you can work with. Gender identity issues are really confusing. (At least they have been for me. There have been more contradictions in my life than I can count.) Working with an experienced gender therapist can help you to sort through everything you are experiencing & figure out what you want to do... what you need to do about it.

By the way, there is a gender therapist named Dara Hoffman-Fox who uploads videos onto YouTube. You might find watching some of Dara's videos to be most helpful. Here's a link to Dara's YouTube channel:

https://www.youtube.com/user/darahoffmanfox

Also... note the link, at the top of the "Related Channels" list on Dara's YouTube channel, to another gender therapist's channel: "The Transition Channel". This may also be something it will be worth taking a look at.

My best wishes to you...

Welcome to PC!

I agree with Skeezyks re: finding a therapist.
Skeezyks wrote a very resourceful post.

I hope you find the information and the support you need.


WC

I agree with sneezyks. It’s very important get to the bottom of your feelings. You mentioned feeling ugly and that you do things “wrong” And that things would be better if you were a man. I’m not sure if transitioning to man would solve those problems. But that’s just me. I’ve never suffered from gender disphoria. I’m more on the order of species disphoria. Am I human?