Sex Q's

I feel like I've had a very abnormal sex life so I have questions...

For what it's worth, I'm female-sexed (although I have some gender dysphoria and identify more as genderfluid) and bisexual with a male partner.

Is it unreasonable to hope that intercourse would last 3-5 minutes or so at least most of the time?

How do you build emotional intimacy in sex, especially if you never have intercourse? But in general, how do you make foreplay satisfying without intercourse or orgasm?

Is it more difficult for someone bisexual (especially one who's only had partners of one sex) to have an orgasm with a partner? Is it more difficult for someone with gender dysphoria to have an orgasm with a partner who is attracted to their sex more than their gender?

Is it more difficult to figure out how to have an orgasm if both partners are relatively experienced/don't have many positive experiences?

Are there any other women/female-sexed individuals who have never had an orgasm from oral sex, manual sex, or a partner using a toy, but almost never have an issue with masturbation and porn?

Has anyone with severe sexual dysfunction (and/or having a partner with it) ever have it improve and have a satisfying sex life?

I realize no one's going to know the answer to all of the questions, but just an answer to one or two would be useful.

Well, it is reasonable to expect intercourse to last longer than three to five minutes. And, yes, bisexuals can have orgasms with a partner, and I don't think it should be more difficult. I tried on two questions, anyway!

I have been working with a certified sex therapist and a surrogate partner because of intimacy and issues touching women. Many sessions at the beginning involved touching and feeling, but not of the others bodies. Then touching of bodies was slowly introduced and progressed in following sesons. Now we have introduced intercourse. I may not orgasm during intercourse yet, but I can in other ways. And I have learned to give my partner orgasms every session, and this was very important to me. My therapist calls it "She always cums first."

The process we used was called "Sensate Focus." The slow buildup of the process is to foster a sexual energy but denied initially. This helped me to overcome arousal and desire difficulties.

I think this process might benefit you. Google "Sensate Focus" and look it over. It can be dofficult to find a good discussion on how to do it. If you can't find it let me know and I will track down the instructions.

Longer than three to five minutes? I've seen conflicting reports of 7 minutes being average and less than that (I think 5 minutes?) also as average. I would make myself be happy with even 1 minute. 30 seconds is hard to be satisfied by and less than that just makes it difficult to act like everything is okay. And ejaculation before penetration? I guess one could laugh it off, but it gets hard if that's more of the norm. But 3-5? That may technically still be below average but I'm pretty sure I could be satisfied with that. It's too bad it's an impossibly long amount of time. It feels incredibly unreasonable to expect that.

And the bisexual thing...I had heard it but wasn't sure how true it was. It makes sense to me because if you're bisexual you're automatically set up to always be unsatisfied (sex is ALWAYS missing something). But maybe there's just something wrong with me.

Your post is very difficult to read. The more I think about it, the more emotional pain I feel. I really personally despise the "she cums first" philosophy because it puts unnecessary pressure and shame on the woman. What's wrong with whoever cums first, cums first? It's not my fault I have genitals that have an inferior sexual response. I don't have a penis and I can never have a penis (a real functioning one anyway) so let's stop rubbing it in. Let's stop making me (and all other women) feel bad that I can't get off in 5 minutes or less. Let's stop making me feel bad that I can't get off from literally anything he does like he can from me. If I have to cum first, then I feel so much pressure to do so. I don't want to ruin his sex life with my sexual response (or lack thereof).

So, let me get this straight, you're able to give a surrogate partner an orgasm every time? I have a hard time believing you as I don't see how that would be possible. And if it is...you know, I didn't think I could feel any worse about myself and the sex I was forced to be. Now I do. This shows that I'd be better off just having sex with random people as apparently, it's only possible to have an orgasm with someone who doesn't love you. My partner was able to give everyone else an orgasm and he didn't love any of them.

And he wonders why I separate sex and love. Obviously, they can't coexist. So I guess I'll have to choose. Or just come to terms with having inferior sex organs (from a response time/effort standpoint) and just give up on sex ever being anything I want or hope it would be.

And I'm attracted to men, but before I even had sex with one, I had issues with the idea of the one sex act that actually is supposed to give me an orgasm. I have always believed that oral sex should be between two women and a man going down on a woman was just, I don't know, didn't seem right? I let him do it, but I can't for the life of me figure out how anyone would ever orgasm from it. And since that's the only thing statistically that a woman can orgasm from consistently (other than masturbation), I guess I don't get orgasms outside of masturbation. Yay, me!

And on to address Sensate Focus...are the parts with touch without genital touch supposed to be pleasurable? There's not a lot of ways I like being touched. I was allergic to touch as a child and it's not normalized for me. As in, I didn't grow up with touch being attached to love because I was rarely if ever touched. They couldn't as it would cause me to get welts. I associate touch with fear, pain, and sensory overload. I didn't really allow touch until I was in this relationship and the only touches that consistently feel good are not sexual. It took years just to find those and it doesn't even include holding hands. But I hold his hand whenever he wants whether I feel okay doing it or not. I can't imagine anyone can understand.

Maybe if we could see each other daily and could start really simple it would become comfortable, but seeing as I can rarely be with him in person, it's just starting over every time.

Hello, fellow genderfluid FAAB! I have had orgasms with both genders, in spite of my medication, and in spite of my true sexual preference, but that's a topic for another thread.

You said you feel bad about the sex you were "forced to be." Do you wish you could be the gender of your choice at any given time, or is it more that having female genitals isn't always conducive to sexual pleasure? Do you want to have love and sex coexist, or do you feel pressured to make them fit together?

I couldn't agree with you more about the "she cums first" mindset. We can't cum at all if every couple of seconds he's whining: "Did you cum yet? Why didn't you cum yet?" To be fair, some of that may be a poorly executed attempt at being generous in bed, but it can easily cross over into "my ego is hurt if you don't" territory. Takes all the fun out of things.

And receiving oral sex. It does nothing for me, especially when performed by a man.

I felt chronically sexually unsatisfied until this past year when I stopped worrying (at least within myself) about how I was "supposed" to engage in relationships and sex. Like most things in my life, to feel normal, I don't always act normal.

I feel worse about my sexuality because I haven't had sex with both sexes. And there's not really any way to now unless I want to give up and cheat on him. A three way or something hasn't been completely ruled out but it wouldn't happen any time soon.

He doesn't ask if I've cum yet or not nor is it about his ego. He doesn't have an ego or any sexual confidence to speak of due to previous women who left him because of his sexual (in)ability. I just feel bad that he has to wait and just not orgasm like he's being punished. I mean, he's been punished and shamed enough sexually by previous partners (and not in a BDSM sort of way).

By saying that I feel bad about being the sex that I was forced to be, I was saying it's not conducive to sexual pleasure. And I've been treated like a non-person when I was a kid and as an adult for being female. Men treat me like my partner's accessory. I'm not spoken to when they have a conversation. They even turn away from me. They don't let me participate in groups like they do my partner. My father liked to call my mother and I animal names. He believed in the 1950s family and the gender roles that went with it. They wanted a son, but he didn't survive past birth and I was the only child to make it full term and survive. I tried to be his son...but my lack of a penis is unforgivable.

Female genitals aren't conducive to sexual pleasure. I'm not sure female genitals are conducive with being considered a human. That's not been my life's experience.

But how do you have an orgasm from someone else? I spent a couple decades just masturbating and that feeling can't be replicated or explained to another person so they just have to guess until they find something else that will work. Or it continues to be like it's been...a hand job until one of us gives up and I just finish myself off with no intercourse because penetration can't happen without him getting off if it can even happen at all anymore. Maybe instead of just hoping for 3-5 minutes someday, I should just hope for full penetration even if it's just one thrust. It's better than nothing.

Do I want sex and love to coexist? Yes, I do. I would love to be satisfied enough that I don't have to resist the urge to cheat on him. Not like there would be any men interested (he's the only one that really is attracted to me like that). I'd have to go beg them like I did with my first sexual experience...the problem with being THAT ugly to men. There could be women interested (as they actually find me attractive for some reason), but again, I can't hurt him in that way. I also promised him that I wouldn't leave him SOLELY based on sex in order to instill a little confidence in him. I'm not sure how much it worked.

I have attached a description on Sensate Focus. It requires participation by both partners. It is supposed to build desire, partly through denial. For me it helped overcome much of my timidity regarding being with a woman. It wasn't a quick fix, though. After a series of SF sessions, brief intercourse was attempted. But my mini-me wasn't ready, even after the introduction of Cialis. If took more SF sessions to overcome this.

The phrase "she cums first" is directed at men. Men need to think of their partners pleasure. So many men probably get right into sex and when they orgasm they are done. Hence the phrase, "wham, bam, thank you ma'am." I have learned to try to get a woman fully aroused first. Hopefully she orgasms then I can think about myself.

Another thing I have learned is communicating during sex. My partner gives suggestions or asks for something, or I can read what is working and what is not.

And when I remark about giving orgasms I do not mean through intercourse. Nearly all have been a result of oral sex. When I started this therapy one of my main goals was to give my partner pleasure so I could feel I was successful and I focused intently on oral sex. And it is possible the surrogate has orgasms easier than other women (although at times my tongue would complain by going numb or cramping ). I haven't had much success with my girlfriend, but she doesn't like oral sex.

All isn't perfect...I myself still haven't orgasmed through intercourse. There is still something mental preventing that.

Clearly the orgasms aren’t from intercourse. I didn’t mean that either. And I would just prefer he get off first so the pressure is off of me and I can relax and take my time.

And I can’t ask for much because he’s uncomfortable with virtually everything so I let him do what he wants and hopefully I can take care of myself. Or I have to explain the same thing every time and I just give up. Can you believe that after more than three years I still have to explain the basics of giving me a hand job? So most of the time I don’t bother and just tell him to stop after what he’s doing gets irritating. I can’t even ask him to do what I want to help me when I’m masturbating. So everything is a compromise. I have to get used to new positions because my positions don’t work. Etc.